Bowl Portland

just thought it needed mentioning…

Three monetary prizes will be awarded based on greatest percentage of bodyfat lost, most pounds lost, and greatest overall transformation.   Monthly meetings are held at no charge for participants.  Topics include nutrition, exercise and other issues that will fuel success.

Off Constantly vs. Three Fingered Willies: The champs begin their title defense against this year’s melting pot team.  The Willies’ are hoping their veteran acquisition Pin Whisperer returns to glory as they face a rude welcome to the league.Urban Achievers vs. The Pinups: Big Ern’s Pinups try to shake off last year’s disappointing finish as they welcome back oft-injured Chunk.  The Urban Achievers are brand new, and proud we are of all of them.Three Livers vs. Hyper-Bowl-E: Another new team faces a stern test against a veteran squad.  3 Livers welcomes Fred to replace Hank, and the captaincy is in the able hands of Pearl.  Hyper-Bowl-E will wear you down. They bring an unheard of 9 players into their opening season.  Don’t ask Michael Bowl-ton to sing, please.Gutterballs vs. Young and the Bowled: Two new teams square off, with the Gutterballs backed by the odd combination of carpentry and sex toys.  I still think the Young and the Bowled should have been the Bowled and the Beautiful.Lesbowlians vs. Sweet Rolls: Sugar (formerly Shenner Lee)and Frenchie venture out to captain their own team, and they sound delicious.  The Lesbowlians feature BowlPortland web-designer turned captain Trixie, so regardless of the outcome expect to see them at the top of the standings online.  They can haz strikz.Purple Haze vs B.E.E.R.: This one’s going to be a bloodbath, as brothers K. Hungus and the Dude duke it out in a crucial Power Family Division early-season matchup.  B.E.E.R. welcomes new roller Cheddar, while Purple Haze brings in three new rollers: Hendrix, Arnie and Tootsie.  I will make no Tootsie/roll jokes all year.Roll Another vs. Pud’s Taxi: A division game.  Chupacapra has changed his team’s name, colors and roster, wanting no reminders of last year’s disastrous campaign.  As of press time, Pud’s doesn’t even have a roster, so hard to call this one.Great Lost Spares vs. Saucy Posse:  Lots of veterans in this one.  The Saucy Posse is one of this year’s sexy picks to challenge for the title.  The Spares are just plain sexy.Binga’s vs. Happy Hands Productions: Binga’s took a hit when Wing Alex walked out in a contract dispute, but Danny Diesel has assembled a never-say-die squad.  Happy Hands maintains their edge, and know they need this crucial division game. They could be distracted as Sasha Northfield is supposedly working on a new “film”.Maine Yacht Center vs. Dirty Half Dozen: In my book the most interesting game of the week.  DHD is hungry and focused after their finals loss, and battle hardened.  MYC looks full of potential, and a bit rowdy when they get ashore.  Very intriguing matchup.Strikes of Hazzard vs. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter (ICBING): Peanut Gutter and crew have a lot of gutter references in their names, which could just be to throw you off.  The Strikes face a difficult test in bringing Boss Hogg and Roscoe P. Coltrane together with Uncle Jesse and Cooter to form a team.  Hillarity ensues.Die Gassenjungen vs Alley Gash Rollers: More new teams.  Damn there are a lot of games.  Die Gass, as they they are affectionately known from Dusseldorf to Munchen, are getting the lederhosen ready.  Ausgezeichnet!  The AG Rollers look to hipcheck their way to victory.Derelicte My Balls vs. Incredibowls: On paper this is no contest.  The Balls look like one of the league elites, now that they have brought in Muskrat and dealt with the multiple Betty situation.  Incredibowls hasn’t even contacted the league, preferring to hide under Sasha Northfields skirt.  Wait a minute, now it all makes sense.MOST IMPORTANT PIECE OF INFORMATION EVER:Week One postgame is at……………………….RIVALRIES, sponsor of Team BEER.  It is not only awesome to attend postgame, but important to the league.  We moved the start times up a half hour to accomodate better postgame attendance.  Free bowling ball to anyone with perfect attendance on the year!** must have at least one drink per postgame

Some sports sites (looking in your direction, espn.com) put together season preview pieces saving the top teams for last.  We don’t.  We’ll jump right in with the defending champs.  They are the heavy favorite to win again, returning all their starters, including 2008 MVB Oz.  Here is an analysis of the team.

Dick Liquor is a troubled teenage youth from the wrong side of the tracks in Portland who finds himself on his own after he is thrown out of his own house. He finds a place to stay in the posh home of Oz and on the top team of Off Constantly, the O.C.  Dick Liquor is accepted by the stern but compassionate Oz, a bowler who beat Dick in the past.  But Oz’s girl, Honey Bunny, aware of Dick’s criminal history, is wary of this new house guest. Oz’s son Tron bonds with Dick Liquor quickly and shows him the ropes of the community and vice versa for Dick giving advice to Tron about life and love. Dick develops a crush on Knuffi a neighbor girl who lives down the street and has problems with her not-so-sheltered existence in dealing with her distant father Number One.  Also, Knuffi’s best friend is oblivious to the crush that Tron has on her, while taking a liking to Dick Liquor. And so begins a new season for Dick, Oz and Honey Bunny, Number One, and basically everyone else in the wealthy, picturesque, secretive, turbulent community of BowlPortland.

We have cool sponsors.  Seriously - windows, beer, rafting, real estate, sex toys, boat fixers, chiropracters…  Please look at them, call them, use them, spread the word.�

We are all sorry about the fire at Binga’s.  Best of luck on a speedy recovery.  We will be doing some sort of fundraiser to help out the staff during the season…

BowlPortland 2009 – A Brief Overview

Several team name changes to report.  With only a few weeks left to make changes, BowlPortland tentatively welcomes:

Power Family Division

Derelicte My Balls, BEER, Purple Haze, Reservoir Balls, Die Gassenjungen, Alley-Gash Rollers

Soulja Boy Division

Off Constantly (2008 Champs), Dirty Half Dozen, Binga’s Ringas, I Can’t believe It’s Not Gutter, Maine Yacht Center, Happy Hands Productions, 3 Finger Willies

Joy Division

Great Lost Spares, Awful Annie’s, Lesbowlians, The Young and The Bowled, Gutterballs (not to be confused with 2008’s $3 Gutterballs), Roll Another, Sweet Rolls

Western Division

Saucy Posse, Hyper-Bowl-E, 3 Livers, Pinups, Happy Hands #2, Urban Achievers

All eyes will of course be on the Soulja Boy division, with last year’s champions, O.C., trying to throw their weight around, and last year’s runners-up, the Dirty Half Dozen, ready to lipo that weight off and stake their own claim.  Word on the street is DHD has already run afoul of league protocol with an illicit shirt buy – but many skeptics see this as merely an attempt by Captain Riggs to toughen up his team’s image a bit, burnish their street cred with a some minor rule breaking.  2008 semi-finalist Happy Hands Productions is also in this ‘Group of Death’, along with 2009’s sexy pick, Binga’s Ringas.  The 3 Finger Willies are this year’s melting pot team, but they traded for veteran (and 2008 Week 1 bowler of the week) The Pin Whisperer for some stability.  Maine Yacht Center and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter are being thrown straight into the BowlPortland deep end, but this trial by fire may have them toughened up for playoff runs.

The Power Family division is a good old fashioned living room brawl.  Siblings Karl Hungus, Bubbles and The Dude will captain their respective squads through the hair pulling and food throwing paces.  Bubbles’ Derelicte My Balls is the early favorite, adding Muskrat to an already powerful lineup that reached the 2008 semis.  Dios mio, man.  Haze will look to yet-to-be named Newberg to pick up where J-Dawg left off, and build on their surprise playoff run.  BEER had a tumultuous offseason, trading the Pin Whisperer for five cigarettes and a bottle of Pimms in a drunken move criticized by many GM’s around the league.  They did sign last year’s 10-day contract wonder, Tim, and he looks to solidify the top of their rotation.  Joining the family in this division are newcomers Die Gassenjungen, the Alley Gash Rollers and the Reservoir Balls, all hoping to be rude dinner guests.  The Reservoir Balls feature siblings as well, so they hope to trade on that knowledge to rise to the top. The AG Rollers sound like a roller derby team, and they plan to play like one – unafraid to hipcheck your ass into the next lane.  They are aggressive and armed for bear.  Die Gassenjungen bring a Europen flavor to BowlPortland.  If you see them out behind the alley postgame listening to techno, run.

The Joy Division is wide open.  Three veteran captains come back, though all struggled in 2008 and have had big facelifts.  The Great Lost Spares feature a few members from the 2008 $3 Gutterballs, but don’t let that fool you, they’ve come to roll this year.  The Sweet Rolls are Shenner Lee’s team, who broke off from Spare Us with fellow vet Frenchie.  They are a classic mix of veterans and youth.  The jilted boys of Roll Another (formerly Spare Us) have been getting themselves in top shape to try to make their ex-pats regret leaving.  Also in this division, the Lesbowlians, a new team that has been practicing; The Young and The Bowled, a team coming in with a ton of bowling knowledge and probably awesome shoes; The Gutterballs, who were at league offices on day one to join as a new team and appear as enthused as any squad going into the season; and Awful Annie’s, who frankly remain a total mystery.  All of their practices have been closed to the media.

Finally, out West, we have a couple of teams that look to avenge disappointing playoff finishes in 2008.  The Saucy Posse have made only small changes, while 3 Livers has had a major facelift, bringing in Fred to replace league legend HANK!.  Big shoes to fill, Fred.  The Pinups were an afterthought in 2008, but Big Ern didn’t sit around and pout – he remade the squad in his image;  loud, brash, and no bullshit.  Last year’s team never recovered from the week 3 parasailing injury of Chunk, but Chunk is back after off season Tommy John surgery.  If his arm can hold up, these guys could be players.  The Urban Achievers give off a quiet confidence that should concern other teams.  Hyper-Bowl-E aims to create ‘art’ on the lanes.  They will be arriving each night by team magic bus.  Finally, Happy Hands Productions #2 are a bunch of former stars in Happy Hands Productions’ ‘films’.  They really need a name change, as no one wants to be called #2.

We’ll be going into much more detail before the first ball rolls, but here is your 10,000 foot view of Bowlportland 2009.  You will get to know them all like family - The heroes, the villains, the rivalries, the drinking.  Prepare for the most intense bowling experience of your lives! 

A hearty BowlPortland welcome to Maine Yacht Center!�

BowlPortland chatter is going from sporadic to a steady murmur.  Already six new potential teams have approached the league, along with new potential sponsors in AAA and Nomia Erotic Boutique.  Hell yeah!  Anyway, for those of you too lazy to look at the league info tab on the left, the price is going to be $105/player (6 per team) witha $250 sponsorship.  That covers at least 14 weeks of bowling, shirts for everyone on the team (and an extra for the sponsor if they want one) and some number of bowling balls (2-4 per team, negotiations ongoing).  If you feel like paying before November 1st, league fees are $5 off!  That’s pretty sweet.

 Email questions to bowlportland@gmail.com  If you are ready with your team name and roster and/or sposnor, let me know and we’ll start filling in the teams.