No Team Is An Island: Week 8 in BowlPortland (part I)

Dirty Half Dozen 9 Binga’s Ringas 6
Very interesting.  Last year, as Off Constantly steamrolled its way to the finals, DHD was consistently in second.  Yet entering the playoffs, everyone was looking at Derelicte or Binga’s as sexy upset picks.  It’s not as if the Dirty Half Dozen aren’t sexy – you should see their all-nude promotional photo! – but somehow you just look past them.  Well, that all changed Tuesday night, as DHD sent shockwaves through the league by being the first team to beat Binga’s, with an impressive 9-6 final score.
Dirty Half Dozen decided to boycott the press after this one, but I was able to catch up with them as they celebrated at City Sports Grill.  They were stoked with the team effort – Riggs paced them in game one with a 203, Pirate led them in games 2 and 3, Toonces picked up some points and Harlyn P was back strong.  They kept shouting “I’m going back to Missouri more often” which turns out to be code for “Get me another Bud.”  Secret codes aside, they are now poised to make a run at the top seed with a favorable schedule.

Binga’s spent pregame with some chronic, some hash and a dash of music.  Maybe they need to rethink the recipe.  Danny Diesel tried to lead by example in this one and returned to the land of 200’s, but his team didn’t seem to want to follow.  Jamaican Jerk seems to be content with his posse and sexy groupies, and is letting things slide a bit.  Wing Alex, who only appears occasionally as he is paid by the pin and Danny is short on cash, opened with a 131 before rebounding for a 197 in his second try.  The team remained remarkably upbeat, however, and still leads by one point in the division.  “These people drink, AND bowl…what more could you want?”  Good question.

Young and the Bowled 13 Maine Yacht 2

BowlPortland is pretty progressive place.  Every team has either won or tied at least once, and every team has lost at least once.  Young and the Bowled have taken awhile to get their act together, but it’s probably because they are pulled in so many directions.  “Tuesday night is BP, obv, then Wednesday is knitting circle, Thursday is quilting bee, Friday is revolution planning committee, Saturday is the secret society meeting I would have to kill you if I told you about, and Sunday is grocery shopping and a trip to Target” said Special K.  Well, apparently they used the open Monday for practice because they rolled rocks this night.  The Distinguished Senator from ITZ and Queequeg had identical high scores in games 2 and 3, and the unknown Poodle led the way in game 1.  Newcomer Freshy Fresh (bringing the total number of players who have suited up for the YBs to a league record 14) helped set the new tone when he interrupted the pregame yoga circle and barked “We just need to stop f%$#ing around!”  They did.

Maine Yacht’s season seems to have crashed on the rocky shores of Riverside street.  They just can’t catch a break.  Their scores were pretty solid this night, but they just caught the Y&Bs on the wrong day.  Sextant recovered from last week’s awesome lane wipeout to post a 144.  Boomkin lashed herself to the ball return to resist the siren song of the bar.  Your time will come, Yachters.

Hyper-Bowl-E 10 Roll Another 5

With her team trailing 5-0 after game one, Miss Moxie displayed some captaining magic.  “Guys, if we pull this off, I promise you three things: high fives, long trail pitchers, and some sweet slow jam sex!”  That was all the motivation these guys needed as they roared back for the final 10 points in a big upset.  You would think that kind of rousing victory would have had them dancing in the streets, but they headed home.  “Sleep!” cried Yo Pleau “When I get out of here I’m so tired!”  Maybe it’s the slow jam sex.  Michael Bowlton noted he was particularly pleased that the DJ spun some Michael McDonald.

Roll Another is having an identity crisis.  As they have been climbing up the standings this year, people have noticed, and stopped them on the streets to ask about their success.  Bones has aggressively grabbed people by the collar and shaken them saying “if you tell anyone I’m in a bowling league I’ll kill you!”  Well, this kind of performance may help push them back to the obscurity of the middle of the back, where they are happiest.  “More shots of Red Breast, please” was the only comment Chupacabra would give.  Silly goatsucker.

Alley Gash Rollers 12  I.C.B.I.N.G. 3
The ICBINGers had a nice little birthday plan for opposing team captain The Alley.  “Some mayhem, some hedonism, and a dash of parsley” suggested Gutterface.  That, and playing the Washington Generals to her Globetrotters.  Furious over the insanely long shirt delay, ICBING took out their anger at Hungus the best way they knew how – giving up 12 points to his division rival, allowing the Rollers to take over first place in the Power Family Division.  When asked if they tanked intentionally, Peanut Gutter just smiled, nodded and said “Namaste”.

AG Rollers don’t care where the points come from.  They don’t care about much after Coco won the 50/50 money and spent it all on shots for the team.  They’re gonna party like it’s their birthday, drink Bacardi like it’s their birthday.  For it was, in fact, their birthday.  As if you didn’t know – this was the most hyped birthday since President’s Day.  CoCo and Natro led the way with the bowling and the cuddling.  The AG Rollers – your new division leaders!

Off Constantly 10 B.E.E.R. 5

Well, this one ended exactly as predicted on the scoreboard, but the in game action had more drama than Uli’s dating life.  OC knows it’s going to need to finish strong to capture the number one seed.  That’s why they are sticking with what brought them this far, “vodka, kahlua and cream”.  That and some solid rolling.  Steve McQueen set the pace, and Dick Liquor and Oz rolled strong to give OC a quick 4-1 lead.  Only the return of Fern saved one point for the BEERs, as their team 520 never stood a chance.  Little changed in game 2, as the one seeming weak link for OC, Number One, recovered from a tough start with an incredibly strong finish, and his team pasted BEER for a 5-0 sweep.  Again, BEER’s 552 team score got them nothing.  After game 2, BEER ace Cheddar had to leave, and OC went in for the kill, rolling the sausage train out against the seemingly ripe for the kill BEERs.  Not so fast.  The BEER role players put together perhaps the most solid team game in league history, posting a 719 and grabbing four points to salvage a 10-5 loss.  Fern rolled an excellent 158, “Hacksaw” Tom Richards struck out for a pretty 182, but the story was Filthy McNasty.  Strike, spare, strike, strike, strike, strike, strike, strike…then a slight wall, but he shattered personal and team records with his 232.  Very McNasty. Both teams got what they needed out of this game.  OC picked up 10 points to move within one of the division lead, and BEER learned it can play with the big boys.

Urban Achievers 9  Happy Hands 6

This was another game where the losing team seemed a bit happier than the winning team.  They executed their strategery masterfully, and opened with a 5-0 shutout.  While they couldn’t hold on for a win, they still were ready to party.  “We’re going to Westbrook!” Jasper screamed as he headed for the door.  Sasha also had a big smirk on her face as she put her coat on…”I’m kind of a big deal.”
The Turd-less Achievers were shellshocked after game one, and to their credit recovered to pick up nine of the last 10 points.  Still, they hear the footsteps of Pinups and feel Big Ern’s breath on their neck.  They plan to get back on their regular schedule next week.  “Show up at 6:30, some practice rolls, some shots and some pitchers.”  They are setting up a fantastic finish.

Pinups 11 Gutterballs 4

Big Ern brought in a big squad Tuesday.  He fired up his team with his pregame speech.  “Guys, let’s show some ass, some class, and a little bit more ass!”  The baring of ass may have rattled the Gutterballs.  Big Ern added “Kiss my grits!”  His team responded and moved within 2 points of the division lead.  When asked how he handled questions about being in a bowling league, Hugh Manatee said he always responds “Yeah, and it’s awesome.   You know what?  You suck for questioning it.  You’re just jealous.”  Ern’s brashness has rubbed off.  Other good news for Pinup fans – an Oft-Injured Chunk sighting.  Happy with his return, Chunk said after the game he was going home to “some clean sheets and a drrrrrrty lady.”

The Gutterballs were in fine spirits regardless of the outcome.  They are sponsored by Nomia, remember, and had postgame plans to “adjourn home to a cozy hearth, a fine glass of wine and a warm bedmate.  And sex toys of course.”  Also, the Nihilist was trying to rebuild his tolerance as he prepares to relive his youth at the Phish show this weekend.  All in all, a nice night, they were still bowling after all.  “Better than watching Star Trek, nerds!”

Derelicte My Balls 10 Three Fingered Willies 5

Derelicte wants to make the Power Family Division a three team dance.  Welcome to the ball, balls.  With a 10-5 win, the Bubble-less Balls are within four of the division lead, 2 points out of second.  An excited Muskrat starting ripping his shirt off, Ez-E broke a smile and Herbie punched a hole in the wall to celebrate.  That’s the one downside of no Bubbles – the team may need help channeling all its emotions.

The Willies did the rest of the division a favor by picking up 4 points in the final game to slow the Balls’ momentum.  After the game, they offered up this touching story.  “She came from a small town, her mother having passed.  With ball in hand and tender feelings he helped her find meaning.  Theirs was truth.  She dared to spin and found improvement in her numbers.  He tried too hard and found himself anxious.  After the game, they went home and spent a night in simple rest.” Then The Munj tried to lick everybody.  The end.

Strikes of Hazzard 10 Three Livers 5

10-5 Good Buddy!  That’s the new mantra for the Hazzards after their second straight 10-5 win on the heels of six straight losses.  Crazy Cooter attributes the success to  “some piss, some vinegar and a dash of mad skillz.”  Boss Hogg is happy with the wins, but admits he’s really just bowling because it gets him laid.  Roscoe offered up some strange parting thoughts.  “Three Livers are great opponents.  It may sound strange saying, but their loins reek of success.”

Three Livers has put out the call for a nightly pre-game location.  They got started without us this week, coming to the lanes in mid-game form after a stopover at margaritas.  (Just ask Tom Richards about margaritas.)  With such a start, and some kinky postgame plans “Bernie, his wife, three girls, two dogs and a bottle of jager”, the game itself was really secondary.  Wilma’s scores returned with her health and maybe, just maybe, Bernie’s game is coming back to him.  We’ll see in next week’s classic Three Livers-BEER showdown.

Saucy Posse 13  Lesbowlians 2

SauPo is tired of the East Coast bias.  They are convinced that teams in the Pacific Division are being overlooked.  Walter is trying to get the league’s attention as he continues his resurgence.  Hot D Sauce said he’s digging the Pacific vibe…”lots of guac and grass!”  Otherwise, the posse continues their relative quiet – hard to shake their Yankee reticence even now that they are out west.
The Lesbowlians were doomed from the beginning.  First, there was the Bowler of the Week Curse, which reared its ugly head.  Then there was no Cher (though it must be noted Butch seemed to be enjoying the tunes and dance with abandon).  Trixy added “In the immortal words of Madonna…music, makes the people, come together.”  Then she debated whether she could call in “sick” on Wednesday morning.