Week 7: Who Dat?

Thought you were done hearing that phrase?  Too bad, especially when we bowled on Mardi Gras.  That, and The Who? picked up their first victory of the season, 11-4 over UREA!.  They added two new players, both of whom broke with tradition and didn’t have question marks at the end of their names (perhaps they know themselves better).  Ichy Poo labeled the win as “the biggest surprise of the season.”  For J-Bird’s UREA!, a first attempt at roster variety failed to pay off.  The one-armed bandit T-$ missed his first game, and the unity built from consistency was broken.  However, and most importantly, this new team showed up big for postgame, earning league respect.  Welcome to the party.  After a statement win last week, the Gutterballs had their hands full with the Lesbowlians, pulling out a 9-6 win.  The Gutterballs continue to make a statement with their tri-breasted mascot (Three Boob Betty), but had hoped for a bigger result the week after upsetting DHD.  They didn’t go out to celebrate, but added, “why go out and drink, when we could go home and f%$#”?  The Lesbowlians did make the postgame, but not sure that’s where their night ended (last I saw they were getting another round of shots).  Trixy had begun earlier, and offered this gem of coaching advice: “1 shot helps you bowl better, 5 does not”.  Apparently Tilt-A-Whirl only had one, as she continues to tear it up.  There is also a rumor of a Butch return.  Stay tuned.  Young and The Bowled manhandled the Great Lost bear 15-0. The Spares have been battling computer troubles, having scoring difficulties six times.  Maybe they need a programmer mascot.  The Y&B’s love them some points, and took their turn here as bullies.  Pistol Pete returned and continues to flirt with 200 (a bit of a tease).  Killer B also seems to be a nice signing.  Their only disappointment for the night was the roughness of the toilet paper.  Gross.  ICBING beating the Pinups is not a giant upset, but beating them 14- 1 is the biggest surprise result all year. The Pinups claim they were busy trying to turn tricks in the bathroom, so maybe that’s why they didn’t show up at all for the game.  ICBING didn’t roll crazy, but took advantage of their opponent’s weaknesses.  “It was like trying to borrow a dollar and getting turned down, then asking for fifty grand instead” noted Peanut Gutter.  Then they got it.  Dirty Half Dozen returned to form with a 15-0 win over NPI, then immediately became cold and condescending.  “Some of us have lives outside the lanes” they said in a reference to not seeming focused early on.  Apparently they were referring to others, though, as they did indeed make a strong postgame showing.  Jeltz left us with this parable I am still trying to decipher: “One summer our Husky, Brutus, killed 3 groundhogs, a squirrel, and a bird.  He was the happiest dog ever.”  NPI lost interest in this one as soon as Party In The USA came on the jukebox.  The Ram Bros. and Wut What actually all over-performed, but Oolie and T-Wrex had dancing ants in their pants.  They call themselves “The Smack Talk Posse”.  The belly flop into the lanes move was impressive.  Pud’s Taxi beat back upstart TDYOB 8-7 in a slight surprise. “When the wind gets a whiff of it’s own behind, that is when we start to shine!” mused Bullett, amongst her many more profane musings and challenging questions.  Pud’s followed up the win with a very strong postgame.  TDYOB had no time for comment, as they follow up losses with stadium runs and crunches, between shots of rye.  The Urban Achievers stomped Bowlderdash 14-1, and left happy that “it’s week 7 and Moose Knuckles still hasn’t pissed anyone off”.  Or so he thinks.  Bowlderdash continues to set the standard for creative naming, and Turkey Sub is pretty much untouchable in the race for best name of a substitute player.  Carrie Okay, dripping in lane oil, added one poetic note after the match. “Slow motion strikes are like lovers coming together on the beach.”  Awww.  Roll Another beat the Madbotts 14-1, but were steamed about what they perceived to be the lack of respect on bowlportland.com. They were also steamed that Smutty is not showing enough cleavage.  Respect the Roll, and the cleavage.  Madgirl’s return was not enough to get the Madbotts in the win column, but they did seem to recapture their mojo.  They plan to step up their fishnetting.  They may be in for a treat next week.  Stay tuned.  Livin’ On A Spare rolled to a big 11-4 win over Huevos Rancheros. Precious had the night’s high score of 238, which he followed with a 92 (“not enough Hootie” he claimed in defense).  The 238 also overshadowed Shithawk’s emergence onto the scene with a 206 of his own.  Ca-caw!  The Huevos are cracking.  Barry collapsed over the foul line.  A-Frame left for the Bahamas.  Bubbes needs to pull off a magic trick to get them back on track.  Binga’$ Ringa$ overcame another off night to pull off a 13-2 win over the Wrecking Balls. The Balls were a spare way from a shocking 4-1 lead but let it slip away, and giving Binga’s a second chance rarely works out.  Binga’s does claim to be surprised they are still in first, maybe admitting that there are some chinks in the armor.  The Balls will have to take consolation in the Dude’s starting to regain his form, and picking up two points without their leading bowler.  On a high note, they did make it to postgame.  Happy Hands broke their slump with a 9-6 comeback win over Three Livers. The Livers had a 5-0 lead before melting down.  They claim that the many years of partying may be catching up with them.  And they blamed Lukass.  Happy Hands had more smiles than words after the game, but do plan to start having their men wear skirts to cut down on restroom time.  Ask Dandy Mountain, it was his brainstorm.  B.E.E.R. got back on track with a 10.5-4.5 win over Sweet Rolls. Cheddar continued his steady excellence, and Charlie’s Angel rolled a big 165, but the biggest news may be Filthy rediscovering the hooker.  Sweet Rolls captain Sugar welcomed back Sugar Daddy (no relation), and he did not disappoint, rolling three straight games of 153+.  Unfortunately they were missing their Hot Tamale.  If they can keep them all together, the Rolls could have a big postseason.  Finally, CB O’Nutz erased the Splits, 14-1. The game got testy when Bustah yelled at noone in particular to “get your patchouli stink out of my lane!”  The Splits, they of the astonishingly impressive handwriting, actually enjoyed Bustah’s “16 pounds of fury” technique.  They referred to their own technique, the Buxton Slinger, as “too hot for tv”.  Luckily, nothing is too hot for Bowlportland, so you can catch a Slinger in the upcoming weeks.  Also, hats off to Splits for their photo finish win at postgame over Pud’s, as they continue to dominate this arena.

Off Constantly didn’t play, but wanted to be quoted.  “Who doesn’t love a good beaver picture?”  Thanks, Tron, for your provocative questioning.