BILFs – Tuesday B: Captain – Major Danks
Ah yes…The BILFs. We are the Milwaukee Bucks of Bowl Portland. No real star power, confidence or fandom. Always looming right around .500, and getting annihilated in the playoffs…usually by a team captained by Cheddar. This has pretty much been the scouting report for the Bucks, I mean BILFs since the team’s inception in 2010.
However, could 2016 be different?
The BILFs enter this season with more promise than ever before. Major Danks is coming off a decent Business League campaign, which included a career high 256. He is also breaking in a new ball that has quite a lineage. Downpin Abby will be looking take it to the next level with a new, heavier ball. Watch out ladies, Dinah Moe Humm…the Silent Assassin…will be returning to break some pins and hearts. Old Thumper will be looking to avenge his 2015 season. Though he spent more time squaring off against Lance Berkman in Houston than he did bowling in the Business League this fall. There will also be the debut of Mow’m Down Mollie, who the BILFs acquired after years of negotiations.
And then there is Deloose Cannon…
The 2015 Celebration Champion. He bowls on his tip-toes. He has a man-bun. He enjoys a good pitcher. He puts Napoleon Dynamite to shame with the dance moves. The Cannon is back to defend his title, and has to be the odd’s-on favorite going in.
2016 does have promise, but will anything be different? Unclear at this time. Only one thing is for certain…Jamo shots will still be welcomed.
Team’s Biggest Strength: 1980’s Baseball Card Knowledge
Team’s Biggest Weakness: Bowling
Prediction: .500. Because we are always .500.
Wrecking Balls – Tuesday B: Captain – The Dude
The Wreck is back! This perennially average B team sports perhaps the eldest roster in BoPo with just 1 under 50, but with age comes experience and wisdom and disposable income – and this ageless, timeless BoPo original team is showing signs of drinking better beer and streamlining this year.
But first for some offseason drama. The Dude got some big time exposure rolling with captain Brandy on Swett Band in draft league, taking down the championship. The long awaited ‘call up’ to the bigs came…from brother Hungus and Team BEER. “Hey, like wow, man, yeah” he said. The Dude was going big time and the Bowlerati from the rooftop sessions loved it. But family strife ensued – sniping from Barry V and Bubbles (hey, The Dude, we asked you first) – and more importantly Lulu…not sniping but heart string tugging…after 8 seasons of sharing balls she felt abandoned and was having none of it. The Dude, having seen too many relationships start and end during BoPo, was not about to leave his beloved Lulu in distress and risk a marriage wrecking ball. Compromise was struck, with the BEER call up postponed to 2017 and sealed with a letter of intent. That brings us to the 9th, and quite possibly final, edition of the Wrecking Balls.
This team has a different look to it. Longtime Ball Clark, and 2015 newbies Pin Prick and Pin Cushion are all 3 out. That leaves only The Dude, Swing, Swanny, Lulu and Ramona. And rumor has it The Dude Jr could show up for some March games.
Ramona has found her moscow mule happy place and should be steady as always. Lulu is playing with passion and pride and something to prove. Swing quietly LOVES to bowl, and he brings a smooth, suave hard hitting straight ball, fashion sense and big smile that always wins opponents over. Swanny is looking to be a difference maker this season. He’s reportedly been at the gym 5x per week doing one legged squats with his push off leg and one armed lifting with his release arm. He brings a new curve ball for the first time too, and has shifted his inner target bar from 150 to 200. The Dude is just, like, happy to be here man.