No-Eye-Deer – Tuesday B: Team Captain – Disco Welder
Look here, assholes! There’s only one way to say this, N.E.D. is back, and we are coming for you! We had a few lineup changes over the summer, so let’s get down to it. Dirty Sylon most likely won’t be bowling this year, instead his spirit will floating around, guiding us like a handsome version of Obi-Wan Fucking Kenobi. As far as new additions go, we have Abbazon, one part jungle warrior woman, one part Swedish super group, and HoneyBear, a sweet but goddamn ferocious competitor. I am truly looking forward to watching these two destroy your Tuesday nights, and the occasional Thursday. Next we have Mos Stef, and I have two predictions for her this season: one, she will quietly out drink your whole team, and two, she will have her best season yet, and it will cost your team points. Consider yourself warned. Rounding out our returning ladies is Disco Welder, she has been voted Team Captain of the Year, by N.E.D. four years in row. She is basically the Don Shula of BoPo, so bow down when you see her coming. As for our returning men, we start with Donzerelli, our Newbegin Prince. Like the scotch he drinks, he gets better as time goes on. Last season he was the only member of N.E.D. who’s average went up. So as the clenched fist that is N.E.D. tightens, he is the middle finger that slowly rises to the heavens. Burt The Bandit is also back, and you’d better prepare yourselves, because he has new ball, and like blind man at an 80’s style key party, he found the thumb hole. He may be our team’s anchor, but he will be tied to your sinking ship of a team. And finally, Tush Christ, the perfect union of ass and blasphemy. He is Ernie McCracken in a tank-top, and he will Munson your sorry ass. Make no mistake, this is the BoPo Dream Team.
written by Tush Christ
Three Livers – Tuesday B: Team Captain – Pearl
Back for their 9 season, 3 Livers is geared up for another season of Bowl Portland joy. Pearl, 3 Livers Captain, is back after a brief maternity leave and armed with her Peanut M&Ms. Supporting her and returning along side her is the core of the team, Wilma, Flo, Bernie and Harry. New comers, Mildred, Stanley, Lois and Betty, round out the team. As always, 3 Livers will make up for their lack of skill bowling with their superior positive attitude, a lot of high fives, spontaneous dance parties and overall joy. For as long as bowl Portland has been rolling, 3 Livers has been representing Tuesday and this season is shaping up to be no different. Filled with strikes, spares, splits, gutter balls, beers, shots, candy and a lot of laughter, this team will not be a force to be reckoned with.