DHD – Thursday B: Captain – Fern
As an original Bowl Portland squad, the Dirty Half-Dozen has been through many iterations and almost as many team names as BoPo seasons. (Remember the White Whale & the Clockwork Oranges?) Now sticking with the historical team name (long live Captain Riggs!), it’s a similar story this season. With the departure of Hard Knox and Dodgeball, the team has been reduced to a Filthy Five and a sweet sub rotation, but the core is strong and their game is long. Hark Attack looks to be the standout player, with some impressive pre-season practice games and a machine-like, yet balletic, consistency at the line. Bowl Portland stalwart Fern brings a calming presence and promises to continue her steady-eddie ways. As captain her leadership instincts are without equal; she knows when it’s time for a pep talk, time to keep quiet, and time for a round of brown liquor. Size and strength define Buloff–with a median ball speed of 47 MPH last season, he brings a testes-shriveling intimidation factor. SpareMaster has rebranded himself Stephen Kingpin, and hopes to shake off a hand injury suffered last season in a fit of competitive fervor against the Lesbowlians. Bizzy Cookies, easily the best pure athlete on the team, is the one to watch–look for her break out and ruin a lot of people’s Thursdays this year.
Spare of the Dog – Thursday A: Captain – Mona Laudley
Spare of the dog consists of a bunch of unruly pooches, that more or less should be sent to the pound, rather than be allowed to roam the lanes of Bayside freely. On the exterior, they may seem like they’ve been trained well, but get to too close, and you’re bound to get bitten, licked, or pissed on. Yao Romo- a Great Dane- is what you’d expect of the gentle giant he is- huge, defends his pack, and all too lovable. Perhaps too lovable as he needs constant physical attention, but who can blame him for that? Everyone loves hugs, amiright?
Next up, we have Jewdy. A Rabbi once told me that Jewish people aren’t dog people, so I imagine that’s why when Jewdy was given to a little boy as his eighth Chanukah gift from his Christian godmother, he called the dog a shmuck and passed him over to the authorities, where the guards dubbed him “Jewdy”. Luckily he escaped through a secret underground passage that led to the promise land we now call Bayside Bowl.
Next in the pack, we have Probie. People from Yarmouth and Falmouth Foreside where Probie yields from, LOVE golden retrievers. This purebred golden retriever is loyal and true- pretty much everything you’d want in a dog, but just like his rich, cardigan loving, boat shoe wearing, yuppie owners, he’s severely inbred. One sunny day he kind of missed the whole “retriever” thing, and wandered off into the unknown looking for his stupid tennis ball. His owners were devastated at first, but they soon replaced him with two more dogs that look exactly like probie, and cost even more. Side note: They’re said to be smart animals, but I once saw a pair of them eating shit out of each other’s Assholes, so…
Our last male canine on the list is Bombpop. Also severely inbred, this chihuahua has a lot going on. He’s adorable with those blue eyes, but has acute anxiety, and humps just about everything he sees. Also he has rabies, mange, and probably some other things you don’t want to know about.
Now onto the female pups- Hootie and Mona Laudley. Hootie is a beautiful, statuesque pit bull. Given first impressions, you may think she will rip your fucking face off, but deep down, her bark is definitely bigger than her bite- unless you REALLY piss her off. She needs to be pet constantly, and she only takes her doggie dish full of iced rosè, at exactly 36 degrees Fahrenheit. Last but not least, there’s me- Mona Laudley. I crawled out an old broken-down trailer in the middle of east bumfuck. I guess I’m a mutt- but I don’t know who mated with my Pomeranian bitch mother, so I guess I’ll never know my true heritage. I do know that I love my pack of misfit pups, and we are ready for y… SQUIRREL!