(quick note, there will be a celebrity first ball at 5:45.Please get all lineups entered before practice ends so games start right after the first ball. tuesday early teams ran very late, mostly due to lack of strikes actually. we will probably be moving start time for early to 5:40 next week.)
Thursday A lines by Oakie the Celebrity Bowler
Well Tuesday I sure hope you enjoyed Lumberjacks Manager Tim Mack because here comes everyone’s favorite celebrity bowler to roll a 1 again! Now for some lines and some fun!
YB2 -12 vs 5 Finger Discount: YB2 had a strong season last year. Glossy and Crackerjack started a new podcast. They were able to get it down to a half hour rather than a bunch of drunk guys talking nonsense, although it was also eerily reminiscent of that scene in Airplane where Striker sits down and tells that elderly woman his life story and she turns into a skeleton from getting bored to death. Itz, Pistol and Powers haven’t been seen bowling at all. Mo$ has looked good with her new roll and should be a solid 148-149 on the regular this year. On the other side of the coin you have Lovernauts meets Maine Beer Company. Former PDA winners Natro and Coco bring Dutch from restaurant league to join holdovers Rinni, Rufio, Sundown and Logjammer. Sounds pretty crowded, but also pretty fun. All in all they seem a little overmatched in this one as they jump to A.
Lions Den -1 versus Tats and Tits: Lots of people cheating on each other and jumping around to different teams. Tats and Tits got cheated on and with. Tats made a large pickup with up and coming bowler and all around great dude Slugga. Dick Whitman left for another Thursday A team as Dave Chapelle would say while pretending to be Rick James, “COLDBLOODED!” Rubbys says he is going to be putting in the time this year, Train Conductor got his draft league ruined by Dr. Thunder, Red Empire is back and Greg the Mechanic (still checking to see if it is legal to have the guys that oil the lanes be in the league the question has been posed to the Keg of Keglers) is in. Ralphie and crew will have a great time and surprise folks this year. I expect this to be close. Lions Den makes the jump from Thursday B to A. Seeing as half the Thursday A teams lost to B teams in the Sunday Shootout or Tournament last year this isn’t a big deal. What is a big deal is one of the best party teams in the league comes to Thursday A and that is “Alright, Alright”. Rick Vaughn had a breakout draft league, Mokkiki likes to talk a ton of smack on the sly, Das Ducken has one of the most weird and awesomest rolls around! Jem is another solid lady roller. And they got a big pickup in Captain CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVEMAN!!!!! These crazy animals bang drums, get loud, and party down and Caveman is going to out drink them all. I see them pulling the upset on opening night.
LOS -3 vs TouchMyXcitemen: No one sleeps around like TMX. They claim to be the sluttiest team in the league and freaking proved it this offseason. Bowled and Beautiful knew Viking needed a home for his Queen as they didn’t have any openings LaGa jumped all over the two very key pickups landing Viking and Viqueen; both strong bowlers in their own right who add firepower to the former MVB. Gutterslut remains in the fold and can work slutty into any sentence there is. New mama Windiesel is back post maternity leave, and Uno rounds out the crew making this a very strong team. We all know about LOS. They are a perennial top 4 preseason favorite and they may have made it farther last year if Cheese didn’t get, then give, the puke virus to literally fucking everyone. They had to fumigate they joint after PBA weekend last year due to the Cheese Plague. The Plague of Cheese 2016 will be an f-ing chapter in Portland history books 100 years from now. Cheese and Precious are pattern averse. They will put in the time and figure it out. Stiffy is an ace and his lady Candi Dix is now in the fold. Nugget is one of the strongest ladies on the lanes and rolls with a chip on her shoulder. Alley and Hawk should be back albeit with spotty attendance. Oakie is hoping Hawk isn’t taking a year off from Smack again no one says “I banged your mom!” like Shithawk. LOS is too deep and too strong but I think it is closer than folks think, but I could be horribly wrong. Drink Milk. How about that first ball last year Thursday were ya feeling me??????
Leisure Rolls -3 vs TDYOB: No Thunder and no Spooky in this match for TDYOB according to my sources taking a lot of the fun out of this match as they are the two hardest partiers on perennial drinking team TDYOB. Munson had looked strong on the draft pattern, and Farmer coming off a stellar Draft season, but with an unknown sub hard to see them keeping pace with Magic, Knox, Shooter, Gatch and the like. Although there is a wild card, Gatch has been gone a long time and the LTs do love to get loose on their shot frames. So if TDYOB can make it to a game 3 they will have a chance against an extremely drunk group of folks rocking a strong pants game. Not to mention not having the loud Thunder might help as that guys’ Draft team was an absolute disaster. It will be interesting to see if Farmer has had his wife sew on his L.M.A. (Lowest Male Average) patch yet.
UREA -1 vs Bowled and the Beautiful: B&B brought in Strike Tyson to fill the very large shoes of the departed tall glass of milk (#productplacement #drinkOakhurst) Viking. The Departed is a great movie if you haven’t seen it. B&B is a team of great guys and gals. Mr. Mayor is a human rain delay. Saw and Billy James love to get loose and Beaujolais is one of the all around nicest people in the league. This team kills you with its “midlevel depth”. On the other side of the milk cartoon you got the eclectic group of UREA! I give the nod to them as T$ and Automatic as they can put up some large scores backed up by long time BoPoer J Bird and Sally Bowls and they might have a few more rollers up their sleeves. This should be a very close match right down to the last frame of game 3. That said what the fuck do I know, I am a jug of milk.
Last minute edit (new podcast guys take note fools a gallon of milk can get scoop and you guys can’t name more than 15 people in the league!). Line change B&B -5 over UREA. Automatic, the poor guy, tore his rotator cuff and is most likely out for the year. They brought in C-Murda from draft and another unnamed secret bowler to take his place. This late noise heavily swings the previous line.
Game of the Night
B.U.I. -3 vs Guacabowle: B.U.I. gets better every year. Animal and Hexy continue to improve. Duke Thunderwood is one of the most underrated bowlers in the house, G Unit is an ace, Snapshot puts up big scores and Happy Feet Pete is their spirit animal that brings a great vibe and is an accomplished bowler in his own right. These cats can roll and they talk (G Unit) a lot of shit to boot. Other side of the coin you have the party machine that is Guacabowle. There is the family piece with Ruby Canary versus Hexy and Duke although RC is a noted new pattern hater. Bonita can knock down pins and their boys Cilantro, Sparetime, Mitch and new comer Dick Whitman put in just as much time as anyone on the lanes and they all love to party. Maybe try a White Russian with Oakhurst milk. This will be a fun match to watch and should go down to the wire in game three. I just think B.U.I. has a little too much fire power for Guac but Guac has proven time and again to be giant killers.
Now everyone get ready for my ceremonial first ball, let’s see Tim Mack roll in a milk gallon costume!