Oolie, Fuckin Chuckits:
Whoever tapped me to write opening night lines should be amicably let go. I totally get that I am a B-grade living legend of BoPo, but can I deliver on some BS worthy of our hallowed tenth anniversary? Don’t get your hopes up. Everything that follows is arbitrary, fictitious and/or insulting. Partly because my Smack Board roots are deeeep. Partly because I haven’t been following any new-team/new-teammate offseason action whatsoever. Partly because my sieve-like brain is still operating circa BoPo V, when the Mount Gay and tonics hadn’t done their worst yet. Let’s face it – this is Thursday B. We’re a barrel of monkeys (and grreat in the sack), but nobody cares how we bowl.
Bowlderdash -5 v Party Mix – Bowlton and his backup band were always good for a handful of points and some awkward moments. To be perfectly honest, they’ve grown on me. Ever since they ditched that one humorless lady bowler who always glared way too long at anyone having fun, they got fun. Their big boys can make some noise, too.
Party Mix (I don’t know either) is mostly a collection of miscreants who got kicked off other teams for serial sexual harassment. They wound up coalescing into a support group of sorts in the only place that would have them – #ThurzB. Tip the embattled waitstaff another 5%, please, because these creeps.
Happy Hands Productions -1 v Cunning Linguists – The Linguists continue their downward slide into obscurity. They once had dreams in their heads and stars in their eyes. But now the free, orgiastic love of yesteryear has given way to myriad health complications from the venereal diseases carving labyrinths through their organs. Cheer ‘em on heartily, though! We’re all 250-or so partners away from that very same fate.
If anything can help make them feel relevant again, it is the original squad of skanks, Happy Hands Productions. HHP are BoPo OG’s – the only inaugural team in #ThurzB (hell no, DHD don’t count!). So, give Sasha & Co. your respeck! Their buttoned-up appearances come undone when the bright lights are shining and the cameras are rolling. Good thing Portland PD has no vice squad.
Lesbowlians -3 v Pinny Candy – No. It’s not French for “the bowlers”. They’re into women, AND they’ve been a big part of defining this league since BoPo II. They keep getting better every year, too. Used to be you really only had to fight Tilt-a for top point, but now this team can beat absolutely anybody… in #ThurzB. They’re my all-time sentimental favorites, as well as my dark horse choice to win it at the wire.
Pinny Candy are just sweethearts. Their little smiles on their smug little faces… they kinda think they’re hot shit, actually. But mostly, they’re just shitty. If it weren’t for Pay Day, they might not be the most disliked team in all of Bowl Portland. Naww, I kid, I kid… they probably would still be. BOO-yah, Pay Day!!
Dirty Half Dozen -5 v Fuckin’ Chuckits – After blowing it big time with the whole of last season on the line, DHD is posturing up as the future conquerors of the 4th best division in this 4 division league. Knock yourselves out, kids. I will say it again: they have little to zero claim on the Dirty Half Dozen franchise name. Frauds. Quacks. Poseurs.
No one has done less to improve its league standing in the last several years than FC Portland. Formerly known as Irritable Bowl Syndrome/No Pins Intended/Die Gassenjungen, this team’s commitment begins and ends at changing their name. Collectively, the number of games FC have rolled between April and today can be tabulated on one hand. That being said, LouDawg, is an inspirational dynamo and he assumes the captaincy for a side that inexplicably still contends for the divisional trophy.
Bad News Spares -1 v Granola Rollers – This is the most intriguing match of the night. No, these are not the juggernauts of the division. Nonetheless, they embody the #ThurzB mojo! This game’s also crucial in deciding who won’t be at the bottom of the table come playoffs. My guess is that neither team much cares about their standing. They show up every week and have a blast, regardless.
There are more questions than answers about Granola’s identity this year. La Striking Señorita instituted a rigorous regimen of watching “game” film (mostly YouTube videos of cats, small dogs, bunnies, etc). The results of this unorthodox training will be showcased tonight.
Roll Another -1.5 v I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter – ICBING has finally come to its senses: Tuesday is for lame-ass lame-o’s. Thursday didn’t need any help with its prodigious partying, and with the addition of ICBING it has to be put in a class all its own. Suck it, Tuesday. You can’t drink scorecards. Ironically, though, for a team that is a perennial also-ran, they are about to be alongside the frontrunners in this #ThurzB race.
Titleholders Roll Another will have something to say about an upstart threat. Or, rather, they’ll find a way to communicate it nonverbally. Often quiet, they can be infected by a boisterous side. They ain’t shrinking from the drinking tonight. What the rest of us need is someone to deliver an early-season dressing down to undermine their confidence. Who wants it??
Honorable mention goes to Pud’s Taxi, who are on a bye.