Cupid Goes Solo

Hi everyone! Oakie is super busy this week (with what I do not know), so it’s all me this week. If any of you out there ever want to take a crack at writing the lines, please let us know. We could use all the help we can get, and the occasional guest lines writer would be appreciated. As always, none of what you are about to read means anything, but I do hope you find it entertaining.Before we get to the early matches, I have a great idea for how the early teams should make their entrances…imagine a huge gang of bowlers. DJ Atomik lays down a crazy cool track. And then, we hit the lanes in style!! (Pretty sure that’s Magic and Mo$ leading the line, followed by Railroad and Caboose. Nice to see G-Force make an appearance at the 0:27 mark. I think the dude at the 1:42 mark is wearing bowling shoes!)

Wow, whats not to love about that intro! The music, the clothes, the silky smooth dance moves, the terrible editing…expect more of those in future weeks!

Never Flush (-3) v. Cakeballs – Never Flush have the super-spooky team average of 666 (point 6!) and apparently the deal they made with the devil will net them a win this week. Spidey is rocking a solid 196 average (talk about selling your soul….what the fuck?!), second on his team to some other dude. Shooter has had a poor start to the season by her standards, but this week will see big scores as she paces her team to victory.  

A quick You Tube search about Spidey’s team name yields this gem of a video:

Cakeballs win the award for “Shirt Most Likely to be Donated to Goodwill at the End of the Season”, sporting quite the NSFW (actually, not safe for almost anything but Thursday night bowling) design this season. While we can all expect to see Gutterboy hanging on to his, something tells me The Cleaner will be ditching his as soon as the season ends.

Cakeballs only has a team average of 620-something, but it’s early days still this season. No way Northpaw stays a 152 guy all year. Once this team starts practicing a little more, their scores will go way up. But not this week, and Cakeballs fall to 1-3.

Rad Team (-5) v. Happy Hour Heroes – Another week, another easy win for Southpaw’s team. Stephen Kingpin might be the MVP on this team thus far, with an impressive 176 average. Yao Romo’s numbers will only go up, but unfortunately The Dentists’s will only go down. End of the day these guys are too much for Xander’s team.

Must say, I like the team name change for the artists formerly known as XXX-Men. For starters, it’s a cool tune by a cool band:

Secondly, who doesn’t like a Happy Hour Hero? In my circles, the HHH is usually the guy who gets there first and makes sure everything is in place for the safety meeting before we head inside to drink beers and perform some revisionist history on the previous night’s bowling results (True story, Thunder once accidentally smacked a woman in the head demonstrating his backswing as he re-lived a 211…he apologized, but not before he finished his story of a Brooklyn strike that was key to the entire game). For Southpaw, a HHH is a guy who calls ahead to make sure the bar is stocked with Miller Lite. The Dentist just wants someone to invite him to Happy Hour, which would be truly heroic.  

Drunken Noodle (-1) v. Hello Friend – Last time I predicted a win for Drunken Noodle, they went out and lost 15-0….that’s pretty hard to do in this league. That won’t happen again. Gents, raise your hand if you have ever had a “Drunken Noodle”….it’s okay, we’ve all been there. Good news is that it’s usually temporary. My worst related story in that regard would be the one time I had way too much too fast and literally passed out during sex. Now that’s next level Drunken Noodle. The lesson, as always: I’m an idiot.

For whatever reason, I am not buying a ticket on the Hello Friend bandwagon. The clammy-hand high fives when you hop aboard are one thing. As a team they are solid, but not spectacular, from top to bottom. And trust me, I know all too well how that leads to losses this season.  

Bumbowlbee Tuna v. Rufio & The Sauced Boyz (-3) – The team average for Rufio’s team is crazy good. A 735 average, higher than any other team in the division by 50, looks mighty impressive on the standings page. Then I dug a little deeper and saw they have 2 bowlers averaging 140 – 143. And yet they’ve only lost 4 points all year?! Something’s got to give…

Nut Sauce will get at least 4 points against Rufio, but they won’t be the top points when Rev Lord is rolling. My word, that’s a high average….and Polly Ringwald even told me the dude had a beer at one of their matches! And then rolled his only non 200 of the season. Should we all learn a lesson here and not drink while we are bowling?

Amen to that, Bishop. Keep partying, BoPo. And leave the sober rolling to the newbies.

Got Wood? (-3) v. Management – Duke Thunderwood loves to see his name in lights. Not the bright lights at the top of the stats page, just the 40 watt bulbs that illuminate the middle of the pack. I know because we occupy the same neighborhood on the page, and he told me he was writing a song about it on the banjo. He’s thinking of calling it “Average Bowler Blues”, but it’s still a work in progress, so don’t hold him to that. Here he is practicing his chops:

The schedule is kind to the Got Wood team, getting a Management squad that is struggling to find wins almost as bad as Roadhouse is so far. Slow Roll, Tron, and Nuber are all rolling well, but they’ll need more from The Fuge and Taygod to pull out a victory. Unfortunately, I don’t see it happening tonight, and Hungus will be left wondering if maybe next year they just go back to having Slow Roll Captain the team…

Shot Clock Violation v. Shnitzengiggles (-1) – Both of these teams have 17.5 points. Both of them have 1 win. Their team averages are in the crapper, among the bottom 3 in the division. Which suggests that this might go to a baker bowl off (HUGE fan of the baker bowloff!), where one team beats the other 137-133. But alas, there is one team playing in this match that has Deputy. And as I learned last week, sometimes that’s enough. Especially when playing bad teams.

Sad Julian had a big game last week, so look for him to continue to build on that, especially seeing as Dick Du Juor’s broken finger ain’t getting better by sticking it into a bowling ball over and over again. (Try to get that visual out of your head….you can’t, right?) They’ll need Sad Julian to get by Samsquampch and Co. tonight. Captain Insanal been rolling well for Shot Clock, but must be looking around looking for a little help from his teammates. A little help is all he’s getting, and they fall to the orange shirted clan that is Shnitzengiggles.

Should be noted that Shnitengiggles does a chug off to determine who gets to roll anchor for their match. Love it. Look for last week’s winner Twinkle Toes to defend his title and roll anchor game 1. I filmed Twinkle Toe’s preparation (oh wait, is that an old Tennyson video?!), take a look:

On to the late matches….BUT FIRST! A quick PSA about the transition from early to late. Please everyone, give the early teams a few minutes to vacate the lane pair. I know you are anxious to roll, but heading down before the prior team leaves just creates a huge crush of people. The late team people don’t have the room to put their shoes on, and don’t have room to put bowling bags into the cubbies. The early people don’t have the space to pack up, pay their tabs, and clear out. The waitstaff can’t get through to clear out the early team’s empty glasses and take initial orders…in short, it’s a mess. So all you late teams….when the early match on your lane pair ends, take a breath and give the early folks a chance to clear out. Waiting an extra 2 minutes makes this a lot smoother.

Skol (-1) v. Winter is Here – Viking’s #1 pick Heartbreak Kid is killing it, sporting a 200+ average. Roo is also back in the upper echelons of the Stats Page, after a rare poor season. Nurple is doing great. If Captain Viking pulls his shit together, this is a dangerous team. But I’ve said that before about my team…

Skol is a Viking term for “Cheers”….I like it. And it makes sense for the Vikings to take on a team named after Winter. I expect a lot of synergy in this one, the teams yelling “Skol” over and over again, and Rick Vaughn to tank in game 3. Just before he safely pilots me home after I’ve had too much too fast.

This one will come down to the ladies, and it’s up to Bullett and BoPo’s favorite LARPer Viqueen to hold off High Spare-O (Too Koops) and Ice Ice Dragon (Mary) to get Skol the win. Koops, something tells me you don’t watch GOT, because High Spare-O was a wacky religious cult leader who carved the foreheads of his followers and thankfully was killed. The dude was an asshole, and you are definitely not that. Although he did give us the classic “Shame” scene. But I digress.

Das Missed Spare Machine v. Liquid Talent (-5) – Shout out to all around stud Das Ducken! Open up a can of 100% Whoop Ass tonight! Ca-caw!

Fuckdafino (-3) v. Bayside Hellraisers – G Force was ohsoclose to what would have been the best 300 in the history of BoPo. The roars as he closed in on the brick were excellent and some of the loudest I have heard outside of the PBA weekends. His 11th ball was just as pretty as the first 10, but didn’t get them all to fall. And then of course he picked up the spare. Me, I would have lost my mind, had a huge temper tantrum, and promptly missed that pin. A 289 is nothing to sneeze at….well done G Force!  

It’s a good thing the Hellraisers have this guy. It’s getting pretty bad for the Hellraisers, I mean Big Party even wrote a song about it:

In 35 years Double Cheese hopes to be as beloved and respected as G Force. But I think we all know that’s not going to happen. At least he will get his first win of the season, as the Hellraisers still have a team average below 600, even with one guy getting almost half that in a game last week.

Tea with Ms. McGill (-1) v. Too Much Three Losses – Turd Sandwich, meet Crap Quesadilla. Crap Quesadilla, this is Turd Sandwich.

Now that the 2 winless teams in the Nut Division have met, let’s get to work dissecting this matchup. Roadhouse’s team has had some very bad luck this year, running into teams that get hot the week they roll against them, winning precious few points, and zero matches in spite of the third best average in the division. Too Much Three Losses found a new way to lose 8-7 last week, this time with open tenth frames by Farmer and Bombpop in yet another loss by 1 point with multiple single pin points.

Roadhouse, who secretly has developed quite a green thumb, thanks for the samples by the way, actually has a good team; they won’t make the playoffs thanks to their start, but it’s a good team nonetheless. Farmer has exactly the team he asked for: a fun group of people not afraid to party a little too much too fast. The four guys on the team average between 168 and 178, which is just good enough to win, but also good enough to lose….every week. Expect another close one, and the re-branding of Farmer’s team to Too Much Four Losses.

Brandy’s Savages (-3) v. That’s My Son – Word on the street is that Jamaican Jerk will not be available for this match, which severely tips this matchup in favor of Brandy. My pre-season pick for champion is delivering on their potential, they have the top 3 bowlers in this match, and I expect them to pick up win #3 this evening.  

Thunder has been coming to the lanes on Tuesday nights for burn practice, which seems a tad excessive when you can simply come Friday afternoon instead. While bowling, he tends to send a few texts, this morning I awoke to over 40 from him. Natro tried to unsubscribe to these Thunder texts, as if that would stop them…does he not yet realize that sending an Unsubscribe text is basically poking the bear?? I know Thunder put up some impressive scores in this week’s practice, and he and Burt will need big numbers all three games to challenge the Savages.  

Border Crossers (-5) v. Hexy’s Hooligans – Crackerjack and Glossy get to roll together as opponents this week, and it won’t be close. Glossy has D$ and Mama D backing him up. Crackerjack has Mr. Mayor and 8-bit, as Precious will not be at a late match. Umm, advantage Glossy.

For those who don’t know new BoPo’er Mama D, she is the lady who sports a small fan to keep herself cool while she’s crushing it. Turns out she uses the fan because she wants to re-live her days as a dancer in music videos. There was a time when she was the go to for Hair Metal bands. I was able to find this classic from Canadian band Helix. This might be the worst video of all-time, but Mama D tells me she was paid big bucks to play the role Miss Rock Fantasy 1983…



3 thoughts on “Cupid Goes Solo

  1. Figure out your fucking link game St(c)upid or stop wasting our fucking time. You expect Oakie to copy and paste? JV ass rookie.

  2. Good lines, good info. I’m pretty sure i’m the only one who knew Skol wasn’t chanting the brand of their favorite chewing tabaccy.

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