I’m just gonna say it, fuck this shit. Christ. I’ve had some dark times in the past, but this has got to be the worst. Not the Coronavirus pandemic, but Bayside has been closed for just over a week. A fucking week. A week that has felt like a month. Last Sunday, I looked in the mirror, shaved a mustache, dawned my sweet new doubles bowling jersey and headed to Bayside to get loose. Real loose. I wasn’t alone. We all had an idea of what was coming, and we all seemed to cling to what we all knew was going to be the last time we saw each other for the foreseeable future. The usual suspects waded into Howie’s for 10 more American Coronas than they really needed. Then stumble home to pass out with all their clothes on (if you’re like me at least), and then wake up to a new world on Monday. This past week crawled by, with headlines that seemed to change by the hour. Scary shit. Shit that I unfortunately think we’ve yet to see the worst of. The shittiest part of all of it was not being able to see everyone at Bayside. To walk in and make eye contact with someone on the east end from across the front desk, immediately followed by a big smile and hand raise or head nod. We all feel it. It’s not just the feeling of a no doubt strike ball being released off your finger tips. Flexin’ and yelling “steeeerrrriiiiike” before the fucker passes the arrows. Bayside is more than strikes. It’s the community that we are all a part of. And I fucking miss it….Oh, shitty day? Fuck it, dude, let’s go bowling. Good day? Goddamn right I’m housing beers and rolling until the front desk cuts me off. After which I’ll just get back in fucking line and go suck down more beers until it’s my turn again. Patience and pot will be how we get through this. We’ll be back in no time, and with fresh perspective. And when we do, let’s pour some gas on the fire that is Bayside, that is BoPo, and remind each other of why we’re here. Until then, I figured it’d be fun to get Jenna Jameson loose and write some lines.
Side note – While we wait for the pandemic to pass, I have a proposal. Squatch and Glossy, you two nerds need to figure out how to set up a Wii Bowling league we can all participate in while practicing our social distance. Like, FaceTime merged with Wii Bowling. Speaking of social distance, someone needs to tell Sticky he shouldn’t be on all the dating sites known to man. He is gonna have more than Rona to worry about (yes, herpes). Despite all the shit news, I also have some good intel for all of youse that have bets with that shitsuck, Holden Green. Holden lives at 6969 Heisgonnabailonhisdebts Lane, Portland ME 04101…go break his legs. Fuck that guy.
Here’s your ‘real’ Tuesday A lines…
Saucy Posse (-7.5) vs. XXX Club (-7.5)
It’s spring, it’s snowing outside, we’re all gonna die. What could be worse? I know what, watching these two punching bags of teams miss spare after spare. Good thing we won’t be seeing this game. Whoops, my bad, positive thoughts. I’m sure, despite the underwhelming score, both of these teams would put up, team spirit would be high! High fives galore, LETS GO! – strike or not. Nothing to lose I suppose. Goodluck to you both, and see ya next year. This game goes to a tie. You guys are both Thursday caliber, and those fuckups don’t know what a bowloff is.
Congrats on your average, Bucky. You still crush… Sorry about your team.
Here’s Roadhouse giving zero fucks after the loss… https://vimeo.com/89814137
Shake & Bake (-1) vs. Off Constantly
I bowled against Glossy in doubles and I think I averaged better than he did. He was too busy eating all of Lobsterman’s pizza. Glossy, you used to be somebody. I thought you were good(ish). Also, please get on that Wii league. We need it… Natro, bet you a dollar you lose this one. Nuber, I’ll still be rooting for y’all though. Bake takes the most pins, OC takes the most shots. Fuck yeah, O.C.
O.C. I dig your warmup routine… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B97J3Zs_Ylw
Bingas (-3) vs. Sharks
Did you guys watch the All Star Game? I hadn’t heard of this cat, but Scorpion Bowl won the whole thing. Congrats on the 204.5 average this season, Scorpion Bowl. Way to crush pins. Weird I’ve never heard of you until Thunder started giving you praise, though. Speaking of Thu(Narc)nder, that guy basically wants to have your kids. So despite your weird bowling name, you have that going for you at least. I suppose that’s cool and all, but I have a bigger chubby for Spark’s record for most Truly buckets downed in a season. There’s no way this human pickle has COVID-19, his body is not considered a suitable host for the disease. You’re safe high-fiving this dude. Did you know pickles have a serious shelf life? Especially pickled livers. Sparks has figured out how to preserve the human body in a cocoon of alcohol. That being said, Bingas has G Boi. Best closet drunk of them all. G Boi watches Sparkles being assisted out of the building on a stretcher due to alcohol poisoning and just thinks, amateur.
Gutter Boi every day since Bayside closed https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUFKs9TA4BQ
Bowl Thugs vs. Oddballs (-6)
Bowl Thugs have had a fun first year. This team will be one to keep an eye on next year. That all hinges on Jail Bait’s ability to actually keep them together. We all know his penchant for fully thinking out his life decisions. Oddballs has Cerrano, who can only bowl straight after housing a case of Teas in the lot. Dude, have a kid or something. Slow down. High school was fun and all, but not that fun. Were this game to happen, Oddballs wouldn’t have had much trouble pummeling the Thugs. Would have been a fun one to watch given the average blood alcohol level of both teams is 1.28.
Jail Bait in the 5th frame of game 3… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20g3QIUnOgY
Sons of Danarchy vs. BEER (-8)
Like it wasn’t bad enough that good dudes like Rick Vaughn had to defend shitbags like me when they stink out the ICU when going to see their sister and newborn kid. Thanks, homie. What a relaxed kid my sister had though. As high as team chemistry is for SOD, I just don’t see it being enough to take on BEER. Even if this was a real game, BEER is too stacked. And given the tongue in cheek nod on this year’s uniforms, Hungus is hungry for another banner. Who could blame him? Better teams become obsolete in less time. BEER would have no problem showing Sons what a 735 season average feels like, dry.
Here’s BEER showing Sons a good time… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sT5WYSwET28&has_verified=1
Skol (-9) vs. Hooligans
If you only had enough time to watch the first half of the doubles matches, then you’d think I am crazy by saying the Hooligans stand no chance. If you watched the whole set of matches, you’d know Tampa Tom and Clam Hands crushed, and then they choked. Harder than Squatch and Garlic when they saw they were the bottom team to beat after the first set. No disrespect, every village has its idiot. All seriousness aside, as sneaky good as Hexy’s freshman year team is, there’s not a chance in hell they’d beat Skol. Even in the fantasy land where this game is actually played. Skol would need to place a shittier bet then Holden did vs. Thunder. 35 pins!? What a schmuck. Skol is in good contention for a banner. Even if this fictitious game made it to game 3, there’s no way in sweet baby Jesus’ name would it matter. Skol is going to win in 2. Thanks for coming, Hex.
Tommy Torpedo and Clam Hands at doubles… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18caPNisP2U