Week 3: Separation Anxiety – DHD pulling away from the pack after third straight blowout; Off Constantly back

Saucy Posse  10.5  Binga’s  4.5

“Bowling brings family together” noted R Sauce of the Saucy Posse after his team’s win over Binga’s. The boys and girls of SauPo opened a commanding 10-0 lead before a Bingas late charge. “The third string is our nemesis” they acknowledged. Then they jammed out to some Mmmm-bop, because like them, Hanson does it as a family.

Binga’s looked on the verge of imploding early. The Fightin’ Ligers couldn’t catch a break early, and were strongly considering just scrapping bowling, so they could use the time to “drink some beers”. Then Wing Alec wisely pointed out “we can drink beer here, AND bowl”. As his teammates scratched their heads, and a hush descended on the lanes, Whip It started playing, building to a crescendo as Wing Aaron sauntered up to the table to don his jersey for the first time. Undaunted by the score, he picked up a ball, blocked out the crowd noise, and convinced the ball that its inner self wanted to knock down pins. It did. Over and over again. Aaron’s 174 paced the Winga’s to 4.5 points in the last game to salvage the night. Asked about it after, Aaron quoted his team’s other favorite song in noting “I get paid to do the wild thing”. He quickly clarified that the wild thing meant bowling.

3 Livers  11   Pinups  4

Pinups score with Chunk: 11 to 4

Pinups without Mr. Chunk: 7 to 23

Is it any wonder these guys are Hot for Teacher. Yeah, they got it bad.  Chunk is out indefinitely with a torn rotator cuff injured while parasailing in the Bahamas. The team said they would pray for his return, but what god listens to the pleas of a team that wants to spend its spare time ‘doing your mom’ and kills for pleasure, like a wolverine?

While Chunk’s absence may have hurt, the way 3 Livers is rolling these days they could take out anyone. Bernie crushed the league record by bowling a 233, and was a shoo-in for bowler of the week, until he said he didn’t ever read the webpage, and didn’t even know we had one. Well then you won’t notice being snubbed. In addition to skill, this team had some luck, as Maude took home the 50/50 prize. (This is good to hear because that old gypsy woman stole my idea, and we thought she had punked us and run off with all the money.) And did I mention how good the teal looks?  They’re bringing sexy back. Yeah.

Dirty Half Dozen 14 Happy Hand 1

What a strange thing ‘team’ does. Take a quiet banjo player, a mild mannered film maker, an art sponsor, a polite finance assistant, a princess and a pirate, mix it all together and what do you get?  An un-neutered pit bull with a mouth full of razorblades. That about sums up the style of the Dirty Half Dozen, a team tearing through the league with 3 straight 14-1 victories. They can’t even conceive of what they would be doing if not crushing foes on the lanes. They look absolutely unbeatable early in the season. The question is are they the 2004 Colts or the 2007 Patriots. All they have left to do is match Walter Ray Williams, Jr’s 4-7-6-10 split pickup. They are full steam ahead toward their week 6 matchup with league pin leader Off Constantly. Jeltz came back to Earth, but still bowled well, and Riggs reasserted his alpha position with a 165 average and food hoarding.

Happy Hands Productions welcomed Poppy Wildwood and Snowie Tiffany, but he extra porn-ness wasn’t enough as they ran into a buzzsaw. They felt like they were candlepin bowling – their balls seemed too small to do anything. 9 after 9 after 9 just won’t cut it against the league’s top squad. Oops, they did it again. Happy Hands has had a brutal schedule thus far facing all top teams. It’s early yet, but HHP could use a big win going into the halfway mark. One note, non-roster invitee TJ Hooker bowled for the third time, qualifying for the playoff roster.

Spare Us 12  BEER 3

When the season is winding down, both teams may look back at this game as a turning point. First, let’s look at Spare Us. That team chemistry I’ve been asking about all year finally started to surface, and the result was a fired up group of bowlers ready to make a loud statement. They say their team animal is the Chupacabra – that’s the sign of a team that has really bought into what their captain, Chupacabra – is preaching. Go, go, go goat suckers!  These guys were clutch, twice making big moves in the 10th frame to turn close games into 4-1 wins. This team that had a 390 average finished with 443-415-447. Suddenly, they look legit, and as we’ve seen a 14-1 loss to Dirty Half Dozen doesn’t look so bad anymore.

They attribute the success to the buy-in of team members and a steady regimen of eating, drinking, and yoga.

BEER on the other hand, started to unravel, and nothing Hungus tried stopped the bleeding. “The Filthy didn’t come here to be stressed out” noted Filthy as Hungus spat obscenities into his face. Then the flailing captain tried the opposite direction and bought a round of shots. Still no results. Then he tried to lead by example, and once again choked away a point on the final frame. “Normally we are a tufted titmouse, but tonight we were a gazelle in a lion’s grasp” noted Roy G poetically, unintentionally evoking the fact that this team is lacking an identity. Even the return of Tom Richards and his pants of many colors did nothing. After the game he and Roy quickly composed a pop song sure to fly up the charts titled “Tonight We Bowled (Like Shit)”. Its a real heartbreaker, but the dance remix will have you shaking your booty.

Off Constantly 14 Purple Haze 1

“Look, we’re all getting a little older. We just can’t beat Off Constantly anymore” noted a rattled Haze captain on his way out of the arena. They were never in this one, and the team admitted they would rather be sleeping.  BowlPortland is long, hard slog, and it takes it’s toll. After the game, Lefty filed an official complaint about Oz’ trick ball. No word yet from the league office on whether or not it will be investigating.

The toll on Off Constantly came in the form of injury: co-captain Dick Liquor broke his leg in practice and unless he makes a miraculous recovery is out for the season. Off Constantly reacted well to the news, rallying for their best performance of the year. Oz again paced them, but Tron and Steve McQueen looked good too (at least until Tron vanished in the arcade). “We knew we had to step it up with the injury, so we jammed out to Beat It, slapped on our Sex Panther and taught some orphans to read to get ourselves going”. It worked for almost all of them, though anonymously one team member suggested “Number One bowled like number two”.  This big win vaulted OC back near the top of the standings, where everyone expected them to be. They also maintained the league pin lead.

Derelicte My Balls 8 $3 Gutterballs  7

Two Hole Joel has been an absentee captain.  Something about being trapped by an avalanche I think.  The absence has not gone unnoticed by his squad.  They have had to play with no captains, then one captain, now two captains, and frankly were a little rattled.  They quickly fell behind 4-1.  But there’s only so far you can fall when your non-bowling activity is dreaming of bowling.  Joel benched himself for game 2, and his team pounced for 5 points.  But Joel put himself back in for game three, and they lost 4-1 again.  This team has some issues to work out.  They have lots of energy, describing themselves as like “any animal unleashed”, but they need to harness it.  They do have the best team shoes, and feel they are too sexy for their shirts.  In fact, they think they are so sexy, it hurts.  Sexy, but still in last.

The Balls were swinging again Tuesday, holding on to stay undefeated and pick up 8 points.  Thankfully this team has bowling, because otherwise they’d likely be having walk-offs while drunk on hard lemonade.  Noone really brought their A game, but they scratched one out, like their mascot, rodents of unusual size.  DMB is still in heady territory, only a half-poiny out of second, but their pin total suggests they may be a paper tiger.  Of course Eazy E says that’s ridiculous, and he looks forward to making everyone ‘his bitch’.  For one glorious night, he did.  Bitch.

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