Week 11: The Dust Has Settled

Off Constantly 15 Spare Us 0

BowlPortland had made it through 10 weeks without a shutout. Then, on the last week, it happened. And it happened after OC had already locked up first place. Their karmic reward for leaving the starters in – a potential quarterfinal match with the extremely dangerous Binga’s Ringas, the same team that just took them down a week ago. Uh-oh, spaghettio. Maybe they were upset about being left out of the newspaper article (“we weren’t specifically showcased”). Maybe they were mad another team had claimed “Beat It” as their Team song. They say they are going to tone it down for the playoffs, aiming only to “make friendships that last a lifetime”. We shall see. They already had an x on their backs, they just repainted it in neon green.

Spare Us fell all the way to 11th with the loss, but seemed absolutely unfazed. They were partly just basking in the afterglow of the positive news coverage. “We still had to go to work” noted Chupacabra “but we did feel more popular. For years we have dreamed of being cool, and then there we were, on the front of the newspaper!  Fame is sweet”. True, but also fleeting. Only six people came to postgame, it’s like noone had ever heard of BowlPortland.

For the playoffs, Spare Us is making a roster tweak, moving Shenner Lee to pom pom waving cheerleader. Word on the street is she has a very inspirational interpretation of Eye of the Tiger she will break out to push her team to victory.

Derelicte My Balls 8 Dirty Half Dozen 7

The battle for second went right down to the wire. Balls entered the night trailing by a half point, but pulled out the narrowest of victories to capture 2nd by a half point. Things looked bleak early for the Balls, as DHD took 4 of the first 5 points with very strong scores. To top it off, one time Bowler of the Week Easy E had just received stitches in his bowling hand hours earlier (tragic accident when he misinterpreted Frances’ suggestion that they ‘crush’ some 40s before gametime). But in the words of Herbie “Do not underestimate My Balls”. They mounted a furious comeback for the win. They also have a playoff plan in the hopper: sweat bands, good music, Herbie coughing on opponents and Team Owner Dr. Lou watching from the back, cigar and martini in hand.

For the Dirty Half Dozen, the loss was tough to swallow, but ultimately won’t hurt them much. “It was more about pride” confessed Dutch. Well, they should be quite proud of a regular season in which they dominated the league for six weeks, and also rebounded from what looked like a nose dive late in the season.  They have been through the wars necessary to toughen them up for the playoffs. One tip for the league, cast a wary eye on any foodstuffs DHD offers you before a playoff game. Just saying. Trust in God, but tie up your camel.

If the playoffs go true to form these two should meet again in the semifinals – it would be a match for the ages.

Happy Hands 9 Purple Haze 6

Happy Hands had one thing on their minds last night: 4th place. Oh, and probably sex. So two things. Still, they were pretty focused. They got the best possible result next to them as 3 Livers and BEER tied, but fell just shy as Purple Haze rallied for three points in the last game. An angry Jasper L Pond blamed it on the questionaire. “F@#* you guys we don’t have the best f#*$ing team spirit. Stupid *#,holes.”.

They quickly took to fifth place though when they realized they may get a date with Off Constantly. Their entire playoff strategy is predicated on beating them. They already started the mind games by stealing their team song. There are some teams in the way however, and it can be hard to both down BEER and beat Off Constantly.

On the Purple Haze side, JDawg was acting a little odd as the night began. Every time he was being talked to he would turn his head back to the person.  Then people would say “wait, I recognize the back of that head – you were in the PressHerald!” Smile on his face, he would then say “oh that, yeah, that was nothing, just a little picture” and straighten his hair.

All the primping wasn’t quite enough Tuesday. The upside for Haze is they fell out the 9 spot and won’t have to play Bingas in round one. And their playoff strategy is as ingenious as it is simple: don’t lose.

BEER 7.5 3 Livers 7.5

All year long, Hungus and Wilma have been locked in a duel, generally for 14th place.  They have swapped the lead a few times, but never by more than a few tenths of a pin.  They entered the final week dead even.  Fitting then, that their yearlong intricate tango*  would end in a tie in the first game, and that their teams ended the night in a 7.5 all tie.  Wilma ended up winning the personal battle in the last game, but Hungus’ team held on to clinch 4th place and the last bye.  3 Livers takes the 6th spot, and is working on concocting a playoff strategy of ‘doing well without Wilma’. 

“We’re just happy to be here” said a beaming Maude, after her rousing, season ending 140, doubling her average.  “I want to thank Two Hole Joel for campaigning, and Rory for always smiling, and my mom and dad, and Wilma….” then the music kicked in and she was ushered off stage.  Bernie’s 233 held up for highest game of the season, and he was so happy he broke out a gorgeous lassoing dance to Apache.

BEER got big time performances from Fern and the Bishop, and the nattily clad Pin Whisperer gave reason to believe he’s getting his groove back.  Tom Richards provided the Cornish Hens.  BEER will be without Tom Richards for the opening round of the playoffs, as he suddenly has 1,800 credit card accounts and is planning a sweet vacation.  Hungus’ playoff strategy: “never betray the black widow again.”

[* editor’s note:  Happy Hands has informed me they produced a ‘film’ called Hungus and Wilma’s Intricate Tango, and I needed to credit them or face copyright infringement action.]

Binga’s Ringas 11 $3 Gutterballs 4

I think the moustaches have taken over the Gutterballs.  They are drawing happy penises on their scorecard, and talking only about their facial hair.  “Our moustaches have become cool and desirable.  They are in full-flower!”  They seemed not to realize or care they had secured last place.  “Do you want to touch it?” asked NicLovin.  “TOUCH IT!”

Enough about their moustaches.

Binga’s has become the talk of the league.  The midseason infusion of talent has taken them from also ran to title threat.  Wing Alec, owner/player, did not hesitate to pull the trigger on signing new bowlers when his team was tanking.  “I’m like the George Steinbrenner of BowlPortland”, he added, continuing to find the press.  Wing Dan’s mom also cut out the article quoting her son and put it on the fridge with a gold star.  These guys are armed for bear, or, more accurately, turkey, going into the postseason.  Wing Alex continues to lead the way, and finished as the league’s #2 bowler, throwing in one more 200+ score for good measure.  “Great Balls of Fire” sang Wing Mike.  I’ve stuck with this team through the dark days, and now this.  I’m so happy I could put on a pink shirt, linen jacket, sunglasses and grow some stubble!’  Careful of The Beard.  And narco-traffickers on speed boats.

Saucy Posse 8 Pinups 7

In this back and forth game, the Saucy Posse came back to win by one point.  That ultimately left them short by a half point, and the Pinups held on to seventh.  To hear Frank of SauPo talk, you would think SauPo is in big trouble.  “Can we just forfeit the points?  We don’t want the points.  I know we’ll donate the points.  PLEASE don’t give us 8th place!”  How drastic the difference of emotions facing the Ringas now as opposed to when they were just the lowly Wingas.  The rest of his team may be nervous but are less likely to wear their emotions on their sleeves.  P Sauce unveiled his teams strategy in the driest terms.  “Strikes.  Spares acceptable.”  The rest of the sauces were too busy signing autographs to offer comments.

As for the pinups, the loquacious Big Ern was ecstatic to hold on to 7th.  He liked his draw against Purple Haze and possibly the Balls, and said he would approach the postseason thusly: “Start off in the meaty section of the league, then slowly take down each team until the trophy is on our mantle.  Also, we’re wearing bikinis.”  An excited Beebop liked the idea, and proposed a Summer League, so he could wear his new suit more than once.  Media darling Robear has insisted on teammates now calling her Lady Victoria Sedgwick.  “I guess being front page news on the PressHerald changes people” lamented Pichette.

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