Welcome To The Rest Of Your Lives

BowlPortland 2009 – A Brief Overview

Several team name changes to report.  With only a few weeks left to make changes, BowlPortland tentatively welcomes:

Power Family Division

Derelicte My Balls, BEER, Purple Haze, Reservoir Balls, Die Gassenjungen, Alley-Gash Rollers

Soulja Boy Division

Off Constantly (2008 Champs), Dirty Half Dozen, Binga’s Ringas, I Can’t believe It’s Not Gutter, Maine Yacht Center, Happy Hands Productions, 3 Finger Willies

Joy Division

Great Lost Spares, Awful Annie’s, Lesbowlians, The Young and The Bowled, Gutterballs (not to be confused with 2008’s $3 Gutterballs), Roll Another, Sweet Rolls

Western Division

Saucy Posse, Hyper-Bowl-E, 3 Livers, Pinups, Happy Hands #2, Urban Achievers


All eyes will of course be on the Soulja Boy division, with last year’s champions, O.C., trying to throw their weight around, and last year’s runners-up, the Dirty Half Dozen, ready to lipo that weight off and stake their own claim.  Word on the street is DHD has already run afoul of league protocol with an illicit shirt buy – but many skeptics see this as merely an attempt by Captain Riggs to toughen up his team’s image a bit, burnish their street cred with a some minor rule breaking.  2008 semi-finalist Happy Hands Productions is also in this ‘Group of Death’, along with 2009’s sexy pick, Binga’s Ringas.  The 3 Finger Willies are this year’s melting pot team, but they traded for veteran (and 2008 Week 1 bowler of the week) The Pin Whisperer for some stability.  Maine Yacht Center and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter are being thrown straight into the BowlPortland deep end, but this trial by fire may have them toughened up for playoff runs.

The Power Family division is a good old fashioned living room brawl.  Siblings Karl Hungus, Bubbles and The Dude will captain their respective squads through the hair pulling and food throwing paces.  Bubbles’ Derelicte My Balls is the early favorite, adding Muskrat to an already powerful lineup that reached the 2008 semis.  Dios mio, man.  Haze will look to yet-to-be named Newberg to pick up where J-Dawg left off, and build on their surprise playoff run.  BEER had a tumultuous offseason, trading the Pin Whisperer for five cigarettes and a bottle of Pimms in a drunken move criticized by many GM’s around the league.  They did sign last year’s 10-day contract wonder, Tim, and he looks to solidify the top of their rotation.  Joining the family in this division are newcomers Die Gassenjungen, the Alley Gash Rollers and the Reservoir Balls, all hoping to be rude dinner guests.  The Reservoir Balls feature siblings as well, so they hope to trade on that knowledge to rise to the top. The AG Rollers sound like a roller derby team, and they plan to play like one – unafraid to hipcheck your ass into the next lane.  They are aggressive and armed for bear.  Die Gassenjungen bring a Europen flavor to BowlPortland.  If you see them out behind the alley postgame listening to techno, run.

The Joy Division is wide open.  Three veteran captains come back, though all struggled in 2008 and have had big facelifts.  The Great Lost Spares feature a few members from the 2008 $3 Gutterballs, but don’t let that fool you, they’ve come to roll this year.  The Sweet Rolls are Shenner Lee’s team, who broke off from Spare Us with fellow vet Frenchie.  They are a classic mix of veterans and youth.  The jilted boys of Roll Another (formerly Spare Us) have been getting themselves in top shape to try to make their ex-pats regret leaving.  Also in this division, the Lesbowlians, a new team that has been practicing; The Young and The Bowled, a team coming in with a ton of bowling knowledge and probably awesome shoes; The Gutterballs, who were at league offices on day one to join as a new team and appear as enthused as any squad going into the season; and Awful Annie’s, who frankly remain a total mystery.  All of their practices have been closed to the media.

Finally, out West, we have a couple of teams that look to avenge disappointing playoff finishes in 2008.  The Saucy Posse have made only small changes, while 3 Livers has had a major facelift, bringing in Fred to replace league legend HANK!.  Big shoes to fill, Fred.  The Pinups were an afterthought in 2008, but Big Ern didn’t sit around and pout – he remade the squad in his image;  loud, brash, and no bullshit.  Last year’s team never recovered from the week 3 parasailing injury of Chunk, but Chunk is back after off season Tommy John surgery.  If his arm can hold up, these guys could be players.  The Urban Achievers give off a quiet confidence that should concern other teams.  Hyper-Bowl-E aims to create ‘art’ on the lanes.  They will be arriving each night by team magic bus.  Finally, Happy Hands Productions #2 are a bunch of former stars in Happy Hands Productions’ ‘films’.  They really need a name change, as no one wants to be called #2.

We’ll be going into much more detail before the first ball rolls, but here is your 10,000 foot view of Bowlportland 2009.  You will get to know them all like family – The heroes, the villains, the rivalries, the drinking.  Prepare for the most intense bowling experience of your lives! 

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