By Jeltz, DHD:
Durrrty 1/2 Doz: a bunch BEER: less filling
In an empirical comparison of BEER with the New York Yankees, Hungus is clearly his team’s A-Rod. By which I mean he doesn’t get along with Derek Jeter, he spends a LOT of time at the gym, and he’s constantly going to other cities to bang Madonna. Without him, the team is missing a big part of its offensive punch. And against a lean, inauguration-weakened DHD, just a little bit more punch could have made all the difference.
Roy G. Biv, who made a half-hearted attempt to recruit Bubbles as a replacement before the week’s games, was philosophical. “F%$K”, Mr. Biv said.
DHD entered the week without their top bowler from week one, Harlyn P, who had jetted to DC to lobby the incoming president for access to the White House bowling alley. Toonces also spent the week in DC, attempting to get a ride in Dick Cheney’s wheelchair.
And in game one, without two of their mainstays, they faced an additional hurdle: Jeltz stunk. Stunk like French cheese. Stunk like hog breath. Stunk like a dead raccoon covered in mayonnaise on a shimmering lane of blacktop under a brutal August sky.
Luckily, Riggs was back. And despite the best efforts of Bishop, Cheddar and the unnervingly good-natured Tom Richards, Pirate, Little P and Riggs made a meal of BEER in the first game, 4.5 – .5.
In game two, Roy G. Biv captained BEER to a 3-2 victory, highlighted by Cheddar’s 167. DHD missed Harlyn P, but picked up the point for total pins and headed to the final game clinging to a 6.5-3.5 lead.
In game three, Filthy McNasty unearthed a bizarre, deadly but uncontrollable force known as the “Filthy Hooker.” Whether his regret afterward was of the Oppenheimer (“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds”) variety or just the more mundane Eli Manning (“I should not throw the ball in the wind. EVER.”) was not clear. But finishing out of the money with an 83, it was obvious that the hook needed practice.
Meanwhile, DHD was coasting. Riggs decided to take it home on cruise control with a 142. Pirate, steady as ever, tossed a 147. And Little P, who had apparently been using performance enhancing substances, rolled her first career hambone (HAMBONE!) and finished with a personal best of 161. DHD prevailed, 10.5 – 4.5
In a bright spot for BEER, Cheddar capped a brilliant night with a 191, and looks like a force to be reckoned with. With the return of Hungus and Roy G. Biv maintaining a solid 155 average, BEER remains a force to be reckoned with.
This paragraph should be funny. But I’m all out of whiskey and the dogs are barking.