Week 1 Lines

Lanes 1&2 : Pud’s Taxi (-3) vs. Roll Another
Dink Mastercard and his gang made an impressive debut in 2009.  The whole league waits to see if Honey maintained the mullet in the offseason.  Roll Another is an original BP team, but have yet to make their mark.  I’ll take Pud’s brashness and sweet hair over Roll Another’s more reserved approach in this one.

Lanes 3&4 : Urban Achievers (-5) vs. The Drinking Year of Bork
For an expansion team, TDYOB is not shy.  They have entered the BowlPortland universe with a bang, actually trashtalking before they even entered the league (at last year’s playoffs).  Dr. Thunder’s antics might intimidate some teams, but he got the wrong opening week opponent in the Urban Achievers.  “Robots”, “merciless”, and “killers” were just a few words associated with these guys last year.  They made an impressive run to the semis in their first season, and are back with even higher hopes (and more women) in 2010.

Lanes 5&6: I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter (-9) vs. The Who?
The Who? are another expansion team, but they do have a few BP veterans.  Ichtanzegern?, aka Icky Poo, has left last year’s German squad to start her own brood, bringing Tillie? and Felty? along for the ride.  They happen to be running into one of this year’s most interesting teams in ICBING.  They have a short roster of dedicated players, all vets other than Fabio, and have been working all offseason with an eye on a playoff run.  It starts with a week one win in this division matchup.

Lanes 7&8: Three Livers (-2) vs. Madbotts
For as long as there has been a BowlPortland, Three Livers has been bringing the party.  They are back-to-back winners of the league’s most hallowed award, Most Fun Team.  While they go for the three-peat, The Madbotts enter looking to completely redefine the Two Hole Joel Looking Good Award.  They will be rolling in custom shoes, custom dresses, and anything else they might think of along the way.  This match could easily devolve into a dance off or drinking game, but certainly offers the casual viewer the most to watch for.

Lanes 9&10: Binga’s Ringas (-5) vs. Incredibowls
Sorry, Boston.  It has been pointed out that I have picked against the Incredibowls every game, even during an impressive playoff run.  I was definitely looking to show them some love, but they have the unenviable task of opening the season against the defending champs.  From what I understand, Binga’s brings back all the key pieces of last year’s juggernaut.  I also assume they’ll bring the same stuff they enjoy in the parking lot, and that means trouble for the rest of the league.  If you ask, I’m sure they’d love to show you the trophy.

Lanes 11&12: Huevos Rancheros (-2) vs. Strikes of Hazzard
This one looks like a real shitkickin’ good time!  Bubbles and her farmhands are always a strong opening team, and this year they look more cohesive than ever.  The Strikes of Hazzard shuffled the leadership (probably to keep the fuzz off their trail) but bring back mostly the same crew of crazy country misfits to ho-down throwdown with their rural brethren.  Big question – can they show up on time?

Lanes 13&14: Pinups (-1) vs. BEER
Well, I don’t normally pick against BEER, but all reports from Pinups camp are that Chunk is uninjured, and Bulge Temptingly is fired up (thus the Bulge).  BEER is a mystery right now, having not convened as a team since last season’s disappointing loss in the quarters.  Fern, now Charlie’s Angel, did roll a 192 last night, and Cheddar is Cheddar, but the rest of us?  Warning: I have no control over the Complete Annihilation Revival, none at all.  Complete Annihilation – did you hear that?

Lanes 15&16: Dirty Half Dozen (-5) vs. Bowlderdash
The SPACE battle.  Riggs leads his band of bridesmaids back into the ring for another run at 2nd place.  Michael Bowlton counters with the cleverest bunch of names in town.

Lanes 17&18: Lesbowlians (-3) vs. Splits Happen
With a full season under their belts, the Lesbowlians are looking to make some noise this year.  They return almost a full roster, bidding a sad adieu to Butch.  Splits Happen is this year’s giant roster team, fielding 11 or so players.  And they are all rookies.  Could be an adjustment period.

Lanes 19&20: Happy Hands Productions (-1) vs. Great Lost Spares
The Spares lost last year’s Captain of the Year, but her teammates have stepped up to keep the dream alive.  And they get to host pregame every week!  Happy Hands is bringing the heat, and the joy, and some toys and some other stuff.

Lanes 21&22: Cracked Bowl of Nutz (-6) vs. UREA!

Technically, these are both expansion teams.  The Nutz, however, are actually a bunch of grizzled veterans.  Their names have changed, but you’ll recognize their faces.  UREA! made some noise when one of their players claimed to be professional or something, but he may have been referring to being a “working man”.

Lanes 23&24: Living on a Spare (-9) vs. Three Fingered Willies
LOS, formerly the Alley-Gash Rollers, have pared their roster down to a lean 5, and they can all roll.  They look to dispatch The Family McLucky – last year’s surprise feel good story about a bunch of orphans who discovered the true meaning of the season.

Lanes 25&26: No Pins Intended (-4) vs. Gutterballs
Finally, out on the frontier, No Pins Intended takes on the Gutterballs.  Uli is now Oolie, and Die Gassenjungen has given way to NPI – captained by the irascible Josef.  Gutterballs bring their Nomia sponsorship back to the table, so keep on eye on what they leave on their table.

Lanes 1&2: Pud’s Taxi (-3) vs. Roll Another

Dink Mastercard and his gang made an impressive debut in 2009. The whole league waits to see if Honey maintained the gorgeous mullet in the offseason. Roll Another is an original BP team, but have yet to make their mark. I like Pud’s brashness and sweet hair over Roll Another’s more reserved approach in this one.

Lanes 3&4: Urban Achievers (-5) vs. The Drinking Year of Bork

For an expansion team, TDYOB is not shy. They have entered the BowlPortland universe with a bang, actually trashtalking before they even entered the league (at last year’s playoffs). Dr. Thunder’s antics might intimidate some teams, but he got the wrong opening week opponent in the Urban Achievers. “Robots”, “merciless”, and “killers” were just a few words associated with these guys last year. They made an impressive run to the semis in their first season, and are back with even higher hopes (and more women) in 2010.

Lanes 5&6: I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter (-9) vs. The Who?

The Who? are another expansion team, but they do have a few BP veterans. Ichtanzegern?, aka Icky Poo, has left last year’s German squad to start her own brood, bringing Tillie? and Felty? along for the ride. They happen to be running into one of this year’s most interesting teams in ICBING. They have a short roster of dedicated players, all vets other than Fabio, and have been working all offseason with an eye on a playoff run. It starts with a week one win in this division matchup.

Lanes 7&8: Three Livers (-2) vs. Madbotts

For as long as there has been a BowlPortland, Three Livers has been bringing the party. They are back-to-back winners of the league’s most hallowed award, Most Fun Team. While they go for the three-peat, The Madbotts enter looking to completely redefine the Two Hole Joel Looking Good Award. They will be rolling in custom shoes, custom dresses, and anything else they might think of along the way. This match could easily devolve into a dance off or drinking game, but certainly offers the casual viewer the most to watch for.

Lanes 9&10: Binga’s Ringas (-5) vs. Incredibowls

Sorry, Boston. It has been pointed out that I have picked against the Incredibowls every game, even during an impressive playoff run. I was definitely looking to show them some love, but they have the unenviable task of opening the season against the defending champs. From what I understand, Binga’s brings back all the key pieces of last year’s juggernaut. I also assume they’ll bring the same stuff they enjoy in the parking lot, and that means trouble for the rest of the league. If you ask, I’m sure they’d love to show you the trophy.

Lanes 11&12: Huevos Rancheros (-2) vs. Strikes of Hazzard

This one looks like a real shitkickin’ good time! Bubbles and her farmhands are always a strong opening team, and this year they look more cohesive than ever. The Strikes of Hazzard shuffled the leadership (probably to keep the fuzz off their trail) but bring back mostly the same crew of crazy country misfits to ho-down throwdown with their rural brethren. Big question – can they show up on time?

Lanes 13&14: Pinups (even) vs. BEER

Well, I don’t normally pick against BEER, but all reports from Pinups camp are that Chunk is uninjured, and Bulge Temptingly is fired up (thus the Bulge). BEER is a mystery right now, having not convened as a team since last season’s disappointing loss in the quarters. Fern, now Charlie’s Angel, did roll a 192 last night, and Cheddar is Cheddar, but the rest of us? Warning: I have no control over the Complete Annihilation Revival, none at all. Complete Annihilation – did you hear that?

Lanes 15&16: Dirty Half Dozen (-5) vs. Bowlderdash

The SPACE battle. Riggs leads his band of bridesmaids back into the ring for another run at 2nd place. Michael Bowlton counters with the cleverest bunch of names in town.

Lanes 17&18: Lesbowlians (-3) vs. Splits Happen

With a full season under their belts, the Lesbowlians are looking to make some noise this year. They return almost a full roster, bidding a sad adieu to Butch. Splits Happen is this year’s giant-roster team, fielding 11 or so players. And they are all rookies. There may be an adjustment period.

Lanes 19&20: Happy Hands Productions (-1) vs. Great Lost Spares

The Spares lost last year’s Captain of the Year Pinstigator, but her teammates have stepped up to keep the dream alive. And they get to host pregame every week! Happy Hands is bringing the heat, and the joy, and some toys and some other stuff.  They’re still real friendly.

Lanes 21&22: Cracked Bowl of Nutz (-6) vs. UREA!

Technically, these are both expansion teams. The Nutz, however, are actually a bunch of grizzled veterans. Their names have changed, but you’ll recognize their faces. UREA! made some noise when one of their players claimed to be professional or something, but he may have been referring to being a “working man”.

Lanes 23&24: Living on a Spare (-9) vs. Three Fingered Willies

LOS, formerly the Alley-Gash Rollers, have pared their roster down to a lean 5, and they can all roll. They look to dispatch The Family McLucky – last year’s surprise feel good story about a bunch of orphans who discovered the true meaning of the season.

Lanes 25&26: No Pins Intended (-4) vs. Gutterballs

Finally, out on the frontier lanes, No Pins Intended takes on the Gutterballs. Uli is now Oolie, and Die Gassenjungen has given way to NPI – captained by the irascible Josef. Gutterballs bring their Nomia sponsorship back to the table, so keep on eye on what they leave on their table.

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