Okay now that we are all over Hungus telling us how smart he is in the Tuesday lines by findings some pictures plagiarizing the narrative associated with said picture to fit his narrative let’s get back to reality and start handicapping some early lines.
Leisure Rolls -12 (1-2) versus Spare of the Dog (0-2): This matchup reminds me of something out of a James Joyce novel. Finnegans Wake opens with the words “riverrun, past Eve and Adam’s, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs.”. “Vico propounded a cyclical view of history, in which civilisation rose from chaos, passed through theocratic, aristocratic, and democratic phases, and then lapsed back into chaos.” When it comes to the Spare of the Dogs it is just chaos without the cycling through different phases of civilization. Speaking of cycles, the high-flying D$ seems to have found a down one and somehow the Rolls sit at 1-2. Make that 2-2 the Dogs don’t appear to be putting any time on the lanes save for Thursday when the clear majority of them don’t remember being there due to over-consumption which is also something straight out of a James Joyce novel. Here is a microcosm of the Dog’s upcoming season:
DHD -12 (2-0) versus B&B (0-2): This match should harken the return of G Force. It will be nice to see old man river back on the lanes. Beaujolais, Strike T, Saw and crew are set up to be like T.S. Eliot’s The Waste Land in this one. They are set up to mirror the first section The Burial of the Dead. “Here is the man with three staves, and here the Wheel, And here is the one-eyed merchant, and this card, Which is blank, is something he carries on his back, Which I am forbidden to see. I do not find The Hanged Man. Fear death by water. I see crowds of people, walking round in a ring. Thank you. If you see dear Mrs. Equitone, Tell her I bring the horoscope myself: One must be so careful these days.” Yes, do be careful B&B because you are about to be killed:
GOB -12 (2-1) vs T&T (0-2): Wow not a lot of parity early on for Thursday Night. Rubbys reminds me of Japhy Ryder a main character in Jack Kerouac’s The Dharma Bums who is a fellow bhikkhu, poet, yab-yum expert, ex- logger, mountain climber, college graduate, Oriental scholar–and very careful user of incorrect grammar. Rubbys would love to see “thousands, or even millions of young Americans wandering around refusing to subscribe to the general demand that they consume production and therefore have to work for the privilege of consuming all that crap they didn’t really want anyway, such as refrigerators, TV sets, cars, at least fancy new cars, certain hair oils and deodorants, etc.” Well if anyone can get behind not using deodorant it is the mechanic heavy squad of GOB. These grease bums meet up with the Dharma Bums of T&T to have a sort of open mic of revelry of their own. The crew at GOB was not happy to be getting 10 points against the L. Trolls and went out and laid waste. Here is the gang gathered for a reading in the East side lounge after the match:
Roll Another -7 (2-0) versus ICBING (0-3): For TDYOB’s sister squad ICBING the losing will continue until morale improves. If you watch an ICBING match where they have all members of their team you will distinctly see all 9 rings of hell as described in Dante’s Inferno. In the first ring Limbo we find Rocky Bowlboa hanging with the unbaptized and virtuous pagans here, having not chosen Chris,t Rocky waits desperately for some other team to pick him up so his 160 average can be of use to someone. In the second ring Lust you will find 2 Dogs Fucking a carnal malefactor lusting after his significant other’s 153 average. “as the lovers drifted into self-indulgence and were carried sway by their passions, so now they drift for ever. The bright, voluptuous sin is now seen as it is – a howling darkness of helpless discomfort.” In the third ring Gluttony we find ex Binger Peanut Gutter literally eating himself to death. In the fourth ring Greed here we find Fabio hoarding as many splits a man can hoard. In the fifth ring Wrath we find Two Dogs again who “can find no joy in God or man or the universe” berating Gryendrok for having the 5th worst average on all of Thursday at 95.5. Aim down the middle Gryendork and throw it as hard as you can. Sixth Ring Heresy we find Ripcord 2.0 with what must be an very unorthodox approach to produce such un-Ripcordian results. Seventh ring (Violence) we again find Two Dogs after a pitcher of Kamikaze giving Fabio the viper “as they wallowed in blood during their lives, so they are immersed in the boiling blood forever, each according to the degree of his guilt”. Eighth Circle Fraud we once again find Ripcord for having the name “Ripcord” in her bowling moniker. In the final ninth circle Treachery we find the entire team stabbing each other in the back after a season full of large hangovers and no wins. Bones and crew cruise to victory as ICBING wallows in internal damnation. “In the middle of the journey of our life I found myself within a dark woods where the straight way was lost.”
UREA! (2-0) -15 versus Puds! (0-2): In the Shakespeare’s Henry V the king gives a rousing speech to get the boys ready to for battle. I can see Dink Mastercard now at Puds pregame trying to rouse the troops:
“If we are mark’d to die, we are enow
To do our country loss; and if to live,
The fewer men, the greater share of honour.
God’s will! I pray thee, wish not one man more.
By Jove, I am not covetous for gold,
Nor care I who doth feed upon my cost;
It yearns me not if men my garments wear;
Such outward things dwell not in my desires.
But if it be a sin to covet honour,
I am the most offending soul alive.”
Then they go out and get absolutely murdered 15-0 by C-Murda, J Bird, Casual T and crew. Here is Dink after the game, “Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.”
Happy Hands (1-1) -1 versus Lesbowlians (1-0): Finally a Thursday match that won’t be an absolute blood bath. Similar team averages but a clash of styles not quite unlike The Outsiders with HHP as the Socs and the Lesbowlians as the Greasers. After a back and forth match leading in a close defeat for the Lesbowlians Tilt stabs and kills Sasha Northfield leading to a Tuesday B turf war the likes Bowl Portland has never seen.
UREA! (2-0) -15 versus Bad News Spares (0-2): Nice little makeup game for Friday night lights. Bad News Spares will have a large crew there and they legitimately have some of the best bowling names in the league let me run them down for you in order of average highest to lowest: Kate Middlepin, Gutterpussy, Three Hole Punch, Motion to Strike, Smokeabowl, Buffalo Style, Rollapinna, Ballzee, and currently lowest Thursday average Strike a Pose, love the names. Jesus these ladies know how to party. Looks like two wins this week for a UREA! squad looking to get loose on back to back nights. Now that we all proved we went to college this week via the lines, here are UREA! after the match:
Wear your fucking life jackets guys!!!!
Here is a work of art for ya: Ode De Ripped Athlete Circa 1996:
In this picture we see a guy saying I am going to do whatever I want whenever I want and there is literally nothing you can do to stop me:
Don’t worry, I’ll keep these lines in the gutter, filled with sophomoric humor, where they belong. It is Thuuuuuuuursday after all! And you don’t have to be an art history major to understand these lines. (well done, Hungus!) Nor do you have to be an English major, either. (Loved those lines Waldorf)
We are now in the full swing of the season. People are getting used to the BoPo routine, the weekends at Bayside are filled with BoPo getting some practice in, we finally have a little bit of info to predict a few of these games.
For sure invest the time to listen to the latest podcast on the Rooftop Sessions page of this site. This week was a great one…
Lion’s Den v. YB2 (-9) – Lion’s Den will be the latest team to get crushed by YB2 this week. The new look YB2 squad has too much fire power for the Lion’s Den to stay close. Last week Pistol Pete had a huge game in an easy win without Glossy Mexican. Full squad should be there this week, so it’ll be another easy win, and Glossy will start to serenade his fans with his theme song:
Yes ladies, he’s single.
Just a quick heads up, Lion’s Den. YB2 likes to start practice before you even get down to the lanes (or the other teams have even cleared out), so make sure you get down on the lanes early. Expect to see the Lion’s Den rocking out some great tunes themselves. Rick Vaughn is the fox, Mokiki is the Pig, Capt. Caveman is the cat, and Cuz Xander is the chicken:
No clue why I find these videos so compelling. Don’t worry, Das Ducken, I have a separate one for you some other week…
5 Finger Discount v. Touch My Xcite (-7) – Another lopsided match on paper, and I think the Touch crew will move to 3-0 tonight. Dutch had a big week last week, notching a couple 200s, but that’s not enough against Touch. In fact, once you get past Dutch, the next 5 highest averages in the match belong to Squatch, Uno, La Gatita, Lucky Charms, and 8-bit, all of them from Touch. They’ll get loads of points and they’ll get a comfortable win. And then Dutch will try to steal Sundown’s bike:
Guacabowle (-3) v. TDYOB – A late match with these 2 teams is bound to be the last match left on the lanes. These teams know how to take breaks, and they definitely know how to party. Both teams are in need of a win, though, so I expect an almost regularly paced, good close match (followed by a ton of partying).
Sisters Mo$ and Dump Truck will roll against each other, and word on the street is that their dad will be there to watch his kids roll, and then will start planning the intervention with mom and Aunt Stella to get his daughters back on the righteous path. Good luck with that. Dump Truck has her own ball now, so expect to see some growing pains as she adjusts to it.
No Munson this week for TDYOB, and that will be big as Bork tries to send Guac to 0-4. Sparetime, Mitch Cumstein, and Dick Whitman are all rolling well, so I like their chances. Side Salad said he will be having a breakout week tonight, fueled by the best movie scene of all time that has a pilot in it, he said he had been watching on repeat for motivation:
I love the fact that that song is his ringtone. Do you think the other pilots with nicknames like Iceman and Maverick would make fun of a dude with the name Side Salad? Of course they would.
Who am I kidding?…expect this one to be decided around 11:30 pm, with Bork getting the 8 points they need for the win. Oh yeah, and about those safety meetings:
Party Mix (-1) v. Pinups – GAME OF THE NIGHT! Two unbeatens try to get a huge head to head win and place themselves atop Thursday B standings.
Silky Pete, MacBalls, and Milo are leading the way for Pinups this year, and they do have a slight team average edge over Party Mix. But Party Mix is feeling it, and I think Kombucha-boy Left Beef and Beer-guy Hakeem Bowlajuan carry the squad to a win. Hey look, Bowl Murray (aka MC Flow) made a music video:
Is that Splitrey Spares with purple hair in that video? And when will we get these stores open in Maine?!
Bad News Spares v. FC Portland (-5) – FC Portland will cruise in this one, a matchup of some very old school BoPo squads. Bad News Spares has their usual large crew out the lanes having a blast, with 9 bowlers already on the stat sheet. Unfortunately, the highest average of the 9 is Kate Middlepin with a 136.5.
Oolie had a nice game in the 190s, so he is stalling his next game to keep looking good on the stat sheet. That’ll drop quite a bit if he rolls a couple tonight. FC Portland would love to find themselves in the top 4 at the end of the year to make the B bracket, but for tonight they will settle for a great party with a fun group of people…and a win.
Bowlderdash (-3) v. Granola Rollahs – Granola has this BoPo thing figured out. Assemble a fun group of friends who like party? Check. Get a lot of them to come out on Thursdays? Check. Bowl a bit, and maybe get a win? Check. Well, no win this week, but you get the idea. Kid Loose is coming to these matches from marathon work shifts, and says that knowing BoPo is waiting for him at the end of his shift get’s him though the work: Here is Kid Loose busting out of work and leaping into the arms of BoPo:
When I see groups of parents like Granola out at the lanes, I am amazed they can find babysitters every week. Granola has upped the ante a bit, with unique caregivers for their children:
Boys McKracken and the Bowlderdash crew take this one, and Granola will hurry back home to check on the kids.
Have fun tonight. For those who listen to the podcast, here is some more Optimus Rhyme for ya (Nerdcore Hip Hip at its best):