Happy Hands Productions (Virgo)
Toucha toucha touch me, I want to feel dirrrrrty. Break out the sexy undies and Maxwell records when you see this squad on your schedule. The sexy six will use the power of seduction to throw you off your game, and while you’re watching them gently carress the bowling ball, they’ll be sexily trying to put you away on the scoreboard.
Happy Hands of course want to beat Off Constantly (like so many other teams) but know that ultimately just beating Off Constantly alone won’t be satisfying. So they have their sights set on loftier goals – they feel they can bring home the Gold Ball.
They don’t say much, but they express themselves in plenty of non-verbal ways. They don’t like clowns, fearing they can ruin the mood. But that’s about all they fear. They think they’ll look “mean” in black, and are psyched that it’s slimming.
It will be interesting to see what teams can resist the siren song of Happy Hands, they will….hey, who’s reaching in my pants?
Off Constantly (Gemini)
“The red stands for the blood we are willing to spill to acheive victory. The white stands for the clean conscience we will have while spilling this blood”. Dick Liquor’s eyes stared me down as he calmly delivered such chilling lines. The words didn’t carry the 16 year old braggadocio feel you might think, but rather the quiet focus of the criminally insane. Perhaps this is the kind of hard shell one has to build when nearly every other team in the league chooses you as the team they most want to beat.
This testosterone heavy squad is doing all the little things that makes a champion, and are considered the favorite heading into the season. They have been seen regularly at the lanes, they have been doing countless sets of 12 oz curls, and polishing up their dance moves in the mirror.
These guys live and breathe bowling. Off’s favorite athletic memory is about prior bowling conquests, specifically beating the Bourgette Bros. in junior high. Their greatest fear is the 7-10 split. It is not surprising that they live by Ricky Bobby’s mantra “you’re either first or you’re last”.
This team has experience and talent. They could beat you in a boat race, bowling match or dance off. They even focus like the region’s ruthless Patriots: “We most want to beat Happy Hands, because that’s who’s first on our schedule”. Eerie. The league best hope the target that will surely be on their backs proves too much to bear.
Body English, Endorsed by Rivalries (B.E.E.R.) (Cancer)
Team BEER was gearing up for the season, finalizing a practice schedule and shoe purchase, generally feeling good, when a grenade went off. Toughcat forced a trade to the Dirty Half Dozen and changed his name to Harlyn P. BEER was stunned, and were forced to look for a replacement after everyone had already been scooped up. Enter Filthy McNasty. This last minute roster addition gives BEER a needed roller and a serious attitude adjustment. This guy will laugh and tell dirty punchlines to jokes the voices in his head are telling him as he rolls ball after ball into your already crumpled, injured body.
This is not what was expected of BEER. Hungus generally sets a laidback tone, The Pin Whisperer abhors violence (but loves him some pistols), Roy G Biv sees a peaceful kaleidoscope vision of colors, and Tom Richards and the Bishop just want to get it on and chase sunsets in their sailboat. But adding Mr. McNasty to the mix has taken this team from Peaches and Herb to GWAR. Gor-Gor! Gor-Gor!
BEER has still retained some of its mellow core. They’re not really focused on beating anyone, and fear only a buzzkill. But don’t for an instant think that makes them an easy mark. Afterall, the commissioner rolls with them.
These guys wanted creamsicle orange, but part of the image makeover involved getting black and gold jerseys. The biggest question surrounding this team is whether it is comfortable in its new, bad-ass skin, or whether it battles a split personality all year.
3 Livers (Pisces)
Three Livers is a happy team, full of life. It’s hard to get fired up against them, because they seem so friendly. But the O’Jays once said “they smile in your face, all the time they want to take your place…backstabbers.” I guess what I’m saying is don’t fall for the Opie, aw shucks routine. 3 Livers will happily take advantage of your mistake.
This team has it in for the Pinups (seemingly everyone does), calling them “juvenile justice freaks”. Oh snap! They have real priorities, and like to think of themselves as more than just awesome bowlers. They fear life without love. Or so they say, could be another ruse to make you think of their smiling, innocent souls while they bury your title hopes. Mess with them, and Maude will dump your ass like a bunch of high school boys from a whitewater raft.
After much controversy 3 Livers will end up in Teal. It was hard fought, and they had to let it go before they were able to truly have it. This team has all the attributes of a sleeper, and could be a threat in March.
Spare Us (Aquarius)
Every morning, Spare Us captain Chupacabra sits at his desk, looks over his left shoulder, and catches just a glimpse of the top of Purple Haze captain The Dude’s fro. Then he takes some antacids as the rage simmers – pure bowling rage. He plays it off like it’s no big deal, but you just know he’s viewing their showdown as a chance to stick it to the man.
Chupacabra is every bit real, and he is captaining the melting pot of BowlPortland. A big melting pot, as his is the only seven person squad. They have a reputation having been banned from adult dodgeball for their vicious dominance, and refusal to give in to other teams’ attempts at capitulation. They will take the sword you surrender to them and shove it straight though your bowling bag.
Fear? Hardly. Well, maybe rabid opposums. And lameasses. And mercy rules.
It may take a few weeks for this team to get to know each other, but they have all the passion and dedication of a contender. The league knows this, and picked them to finish high in the standings.
The Pinups (Sagittarius)
Finally, Big Ern’s Pinups. These guys demand attention when they walk into the alley. Not just their hot pink jerseys, but their white hot confidence draws all eyes to them. They revel in the role of ‘bad boys” of BowlPortland.
They think they will ‘get the most ass’ in the league, with Big Ern’s only fear is “that I won’t have enough room in my car for all of my lady fans when I take home the title”. A lot of teams in BowlPortland are confident in their chances, but only the Pinups have a favorite athletic memory in the future. “My memory isn’t so much a memory, as it is a clairvoyant vision. It’s of me, holding the BowlPortland trophy above my head,” crowed Big Ern.
They love the way they look in pink – “Any time you can combine the color of my karate belt with something as sassy and cutting edge as hot pink, you know you have a winning combination. Its like a perfumed velvet dropkick to the face.”
These guys have no respect for their opponents. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know that other teams were playing. Jeez, from the looks of it, I thought that this was a charity tournament to raise money for the soup kitchen.” They want you to hate them. I say, go for it.