Purple Haze 13 Binga’s Wingas 2
Only one team got zero votes in the preseason poll: MitchellGeo. Turns out these guys may have been sandbagging. With a last minute name change to Purple Haze, the mask came off and The Dude’s squad “got their bowl on”. The Haze descended quickly on the Wingas, opening up a 10-0 lead before a closer final game. The final game was punctuated by Wing Katy proudly turning to her teammates and shouting “I’m a perfect 10!” as she finished with, well, a 10.
J-Dawg picked up team MVP honors as he led the Haze with a 122 average, though it was hard to figure out because both of these teams were unable to correctly operate the scoring computer. Haze acknowledged the problem, naming ‘scoring’ as the area they most need to work on. The team was able to overcome Lula’s broken nail to lock up a big win.
Wing Mike led all bowlers in the game with a 135 average, but the Binga’s MVP went to Tender Edna (that sounds odd), who showed remarkable consistency with a 91-91-90 string. Binga’s says they practice a form of ‘sustainable harvest’ bowling, preferring not to knock them all down and leave nothing behind for future bowlers. When asked to elaborate, Wing Al said angrily “keep yo greasy hands off my balls!” Done and done.
The Dude couldn’t help but gloat a bit about the preseason slight. “Zero votes to place? Mmm hmm.” His ego was quickly knocked down a peg when it was pointed out that his mama bought his shoes. Way to be, Dexter.
Derelicte My Balls 12 The Pinups 3
Noone came into the league with more panache than Big Ern and his pink-and-black Pinups. So perhaps noone has more egg on their face this Wednesday. The Pinups were smacked around by Bubbles’ Derelicte My Balls on opening night. True to form as the bad boys of BowlPortland, the Pinups took off without answering nay questions or naming an MVP.
DMB had no such hesitation, and were jubilant about their victory and overall strong play. “Mama said Derelicte My Balls” they shouted. Herbie was named team MVP with a strong 418 series for a 139+ average. In fact they looked so confident on the lanes they were asked by a bystander “do you have to be good to join this league?”
DMB also represented at the postgame, providing 5 of the 9 attendees.
Off Constantly 8 Happy Hands Productions 7
All the preseason chatter was about Off Constantly. “Did you hear they’re practicing? I think they have ringers. Those boys can dance!” They were the only team coming into the season with any pressure, and on opening night it showed. However, they did come up with the win in the evening’s closest match.
Like the Pinups, Off Constantly didn’t answer any questions after the game, preferring to let their rolling speak for them. Just as well, as the White Russians had slurred their speech. They were paced by Oz, who averaged 151.5 and had the night’s third highest single game score of 186.
Happy Hands were not so happy after stand in captain Jasper Pond had a rough start to his night, renaming Tortilla Flats as “BowelPortland”. That place hurts the tummy. They were missing three regulars, and were paced by super-sub ‘TJ’, who earned MVP honors with a strong 453 string. Mary, another sub, matched that with an astounding string of 9 straight gutterballs, then turned it on to finish strong. Asked if they had practiced, Jasper responded “Is a frog’s ass watertight? No, I’m being serious, is it? I really want to know”. Practice or no, Happy Hands has to be happy taking Off Constantly to the wire while missing half their team.
Saucy Posse 13 Three Livers 2
If you read the season preview, you know the Saucy Posse doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘mercy’. Actually, their vocabulary is limited to ‘strike’, ‘yes’ and ‘beer’. The family came out strong in week one, paced by MVP R Sauce, he of the night’s second highest single game score (188). They had little to say after the game “strike, yes, beer”, but through an interpreter suggested the only area they need to work on is beer consumption, for some members.
Three Livers knows turbulence, so this early season outcome is unlikely to rattle them. They left without comment but it seemed to be with an air of quiet confidence, knowing it’s a long season. Plus, they looked awesome in teal.
B.E.E.R. 13 $3 Gutterballs 2
“That’s my friend Sherry. She just stopped by to use the shower”.
Hungus fixed the cable, and his BEER squad completed the Mitchell Power Family Sweep, coasting to a 13-2 win over the captainless $3 Gutterballs. The Pin Whisperer took MVP honors for the victors for his amazing finish (four straight strikes and a 9 to cap a league high 192). He then was able to convince the alley to give him old pins for his shooting range, where he will continue to bring the pain.
The Gutterballs had no subs (but several fans) and looked rudderless without their leaders in game 1, giving up 5 points, but once they realized they would have to do it themselves, they showed remarkable resilience. A fired up speech of “Niclovin isn’t walking through that door!” led to a big turnaround. Lt. Striker went from 45 to 90 to 130. The Pinstigator was their high scorer and MVP. She did it between her legs and standing backwards. “WTF” added Lt. Striker.
Dirty Half Dozen 14 Spare Us 1
Ladies and gentleman, BowlPortland has a new frontrunner. No team entered the league with more determination, and after a dominating week one they sit alone in first. Most remarkable about their achievement is that noone rolled under 100 in any game all night. That’s team depth. MVP accolades were given to Princess, but these guys were rock solid 1 through 6, prompting hushed murmurs of “they’re winning”. The only thing that presented any concern was “bad musical karma”. Apparently these guys can be rattled by AC/DC and/or Michael Jackson. File that away. Oh, and quit talkin’ ‘bout their mamas.
Spare Us is the league melting pot, and as such they lacked a little coordination, with team Captain Chupacabra noting “we need to work on our high fives”. Nothing is quite as humiliating as an awkwardly executed high five. Spare Us needs some time to gel, and they were thrown off by the 8:30 announcement “this is your last pitcher”.�