Like Sands Through The Hourglass: Week 3 in BowlPortland

Lot’s of drama this week, but we start with a kind of gross but necessary public service announcement from Bernie:

Better urinal accuracy is important for maintaining the integrity of our bowling shoes.  Do your part. 

The more you know….


Also, one little note about rules, since I’m actually getting some questions.  Yes, anyone can play for your team, they just need to pay $10 if they’re not on your roster (unless you already paid for seven people in the beginning of the season, then they can just roll for free.).  You can roll four guys, four girls, whatever.  However, in the playoffs, you have to have at least one guy or one girl in all three of your games, and to play for your team in the playoffs, someone has to have played with your team at least five times during the regular season.  Any questions can be directed to Chief Rules Officer Roy G. Biv on the Council of Keglers.



Binga’s Ringas 12 Pud’s Taxi 3 

“Hold up guys, I just need to scrape the kitten off the bottom of my boots” urged Jamaican Jerk as his team entered the lanes for their game against Pud’s.  As Danny Diesel turned to tell him to hurry up, he bumped into Julie the waitress.  “Hey,” he snapped,  “Why don’t you watch where you’re going!”  That’s when I saw Hot Mango Mike quickly reach down and pick up what had been jostled from Danny’s pocket.  It was hard to make out what it was it all happened so fast, but there was definitely a syringe, and I could make out the word DIESEL on the bottle that also dropped.  Papers have been submitted to begin an official inquiry.


Pud’s got out of their cab just behind Binga’s, and were just walking in when the whole syringe dropping incident was going down.  It may have gotten in Honey’s head a little bit.  His head does have significantly less protection now as the sides are wide open with his stunning new mullet.  He had hoped such a magnificent ‘do would rattle the Ringa’s, but while they did look at it enviously, they quickly turned back in as a team and chanted in unison “We are the evil bowlbots!  Your time is now!” 

The Jerk led the way again, shattering the BowlPortland record in game 1 (while winning a six pack in the process), then shattering his own record in game 2 with a 266.  A well timed “You Suck!” by Bunny two lanes over broke his seven strike streak, and he fell to a mere mortal 166 in game 3.  Other than that, the Ringa’s were off their game, all bowling below their averages.

Pud’s missed Slappy, but still felt good about knocking Binga’s out of first place with their three point showing.  “Tonight we were two pumps and a squirt.  Next week, two squirts and no pump, except for Cuppy” offered up a thoughtful Dink. 

The biggest story of the night for Binga’s, however, was the return to the lanes of last year’s late season wonder Wing Alex.  2008’s number 2 bowler, Wing Alex held out over a contract dispute at the beginning of the season, but was quickly losing his leverage as Binga’s was rolling without him.  In a bit of a mindgame, Danny brought him to week 3 and then let him know he wasn’t needed, so Alex tried his act with a shorthanded Derelicte My Balls.  DMB immediately released him from his contract, and he appears poised to return to Binga’s next week.  On paper, this makes a top team nearly unbeatable, but bowling isn’t done on paper.  There is a little thing called team chemistry, and it is dangerous to tinker with a successful formula.   This promises to be a fascinating story to follow.

Urban Achievers 15 Hyper-Bowl-E 0 

What?  The expansion Urban Achievers have been getting some looks this year with a strong start, but just launched themselves into the stratosphere with a 15-0 win.  Of course if they read this blog they realize the league immediately turns 15-0 winners into villains.  How to do that with the Achievers?  I mean, they are by the book, straight laced pin killers.  They don’t trash talk, they don’t dance, they just roll, and I guess in that way they make themselves creepy.  If Hyper-Bowl-E is Apple, these guys are definitely Microsoft.  Of course, while people like to take shots at Microsoft, they do dominate the market, and The Achievers dominated on Tuesday.

Ironically, the Achievers were derided as being an ‘all-male revue” after week one, but for the second week in a row were led by their woman, Pinky.  She led all bowlers in game one with a 140, and followed up with a 158.  Bam!  When asked for comment, she would have been forgiven for being excited or cocky.  Instead, in a near monotone, she said “The beer specials really aren’t that good.”  Well, I guess that’s true. 

Hyper-Bowl-E had an off week after last week’s big win.  From their postgame comments, it’s pretty clear they weren’t really in the game mentally.  Like many teams, they have stayed focused on Die Gassenjunbgen even as that game is behind them.  Responding to Uli’s week 2 writeup, Miss Moxie firmly pointed out “We actually started that dance party last week.  But whatever, jerks.”  Oh, it’s on.  Which brings me to another issue.

Three weeks in, and more teams have talked trash about dancing than have discussed bowling.  I have no problem with that, but I want to create a venue for these teams to settle things.  To ‘bring it’.  I am working on details of a BowlPortland dance off at one of the postgames.  Stay tuned, and come prepared to back up your boogie boasts.

Hyper-Bowl-E did manage to sneak in one prank on the serious Achievers.  A panicked Knuckles almost fell for it.  “Hey, what the hell is on here?  Oh, wait, its Milky Way candy bar.”  The HBE crew snickered after revealing that the Achievers did have emotions.

Three Livers 10 Incredibowls 5 

Almost lost in the dance party, Three Livers rolled their way to a big win in a record setting game.  With a finish time of 10:47 HST, this game shattered the record for latest game ever, even though in 2008 games started thirty minutes later.  What happened?  Well, for starters, the lanes were broken.  The teams were having to go to the desks to report scores on a regular basis.  “I HATE LANES 3 AND 4.  THEY SUCK!” yelled Bernie.  The Incredibowls were even more direct, actually crossing the line and suggesting I did inappropriate things with children with the following quote. “Put us on lane 3 again and you’ll never be able to bare children.”  I do not bare children, and am offended.  Wait, on second reading, it suggests that if I put them there again, I can’t do it in the future.  Now I’m insulted AND confused.

Wilma continued her scorching hot season as a brunette with a 174-151 night.  By 10:15 her rollers were foot faulting mid dance move, and falling over in neighboring lanes.  “Our new moves hurt…for them!” said Flo.  They may have, but they were certainly something to watch.  The Christmas Tree combo of red and green dancers, moving non-stop all over the alley with no one else left in the building, was an amazing sight to behold.

As for the Incredibowls:  “We blame our loss on that STUPID song.  You know what we’re talking about.”  They were also stinging from an incorrect accusation in the first draft of the lines.  The lines were corrected to note that indeed the Incredibowls had been strong postgamers, though on this night they could be excused for not making it since they finished around last call.  Props to Boston for making it anyway.  They did give 3L some grudging respect at the end of the game.  “They are almost as good bowlers as we are dancers.”

Look for both of these teams to be strong contenders in the upcoming dance-off.

B.E.E.R. 8 Alley-Gash Rollers 7 

What a game!  In perhaps the most exciting game since 3 Livers upset playoff loss by one pin in 2008, B.E.E.R. edged the Rollers, but failed to close much ground on the division leaders.  There are plenty of 8-7 games, but this one was 3-2 every time, and came down to the final rollers twice. 

These teams took a little while to warm up to each other.  Bunny and Tom Richards pranced and postured around each other like rutting bucks, and friendly entreaties were kindly rebuffed by the rest of the squads.  There was no animosity, just a healthy skepticism.  Several pitchers and shared high fives later, these teams were involved in a competitive love-in.  Cheddar and a rested Karl got off to strong starts for B.E.E.R., but Tekawitha led the Rollers to two points.  The real fireworks were in game 2.  Filthy rebounded from a tough game one with a 157, Karl rolled a 158, and the Bishop nailed a 125, but the Rollers brought their A-Game.  Tekawitha continued her sizzling night with a 150, CoCo rocked a 143 and Bunny won his showdown with Tom Richards with a 142, to edge BEER 552-543.

Game three saw Cheddar return to make the difference, but this game was a thriller down to the very end.  Filthy did not release the Filthy Hooker, but The Alley unleashed the F-Bombs as promised.  Her one quote for the press: “Rematch!”  Filthy McNasty left us with more of a headscratcher.  ‘Those Doritos aren’t gonna deliver themselves.”

Die Gassenjungen 11 Purple Haze 4 

The Boys (and girls) from Bavaria romped their way to a big division win on the same night they set a new gold standard for postgame promotion.  They also continued to screw up my record as a prognosticator, as I missed them badly for the second week in a row.  Focused on their feminine sides all night, Die Gass got at least one strong game from every member of their team to vault into contention in the Power Family Division.  “Whenever I want to get in touch with my feminine side, I…” Uli drifted off.  “We just want to say these shirts are horribly tailored for women”, added Tillie.  Well, I’m no tailor, but they may be right.  Anyway, on this night the women wore the loose fitting gear with pride after their big win. 

What most people will take away from this night was Die Gass innovative promotional work.  They circulated flyers complete with information, bowling jokes and slow directions.  Their efforts were rewarded with BowlPortland’s strongest postgame of 2009.  The bartender even smiled, and broke two glasses on the floor for fun!  Let’s keep this going…

As for the Haze, they look tired already.  Looking at the slumped shoulders and glazed eyes you would swear they had just passed around an opium pipe.  Well, that’s not all fair.  Lulu stepped her game up significantly, and Tootsie and Arnie gave it a shot, particularly after Tootsie yelled “Save the Haze, Arnie!”, but seems the Dude may have gotten too wrapped up in recalling his best German insults and forgot to focus on his rolling.  All that said, I still think this is a very strong team, just underachieving for the moment.  Could be a trap. 

Sweet Rolls 10 Roll Another 5 

Maybe it was the smiles and eyelash batting from Sugar.  Maybe it was the glare and putting out of a cigarette in her palm from Frenchy.  Whatever it was, Chupacabra felt the pressure of facing his two former players, and suffered the ignominy of losing to them badly.  Actually, all their former teammates felt it.  Bones and Uncle Buck stumbled to their worst games of the season too.  The Package, who never played with the two ladies, rolled hard but kept looking over his shoulders, first left then right, and thinking “where is everybody?”  A bitter Chupacabra turned to the oldest excuse in the book.  “Wouldn’t it be nice if we were on lanes that were oiled properly?”  As I’ve learned, sometimes these complaints are valid, I can’t really tell as a straight roller, but Chup rolls straight too, so what I think he was really saying is “I miss you guys.”

As for Sugar, if I didn’t know better I’d swear I saw a mischievous twinkle in her eyes as she handed me the scorecard saying she’d won.  They loved sticking it to Hungus the prognosticator.  Honey was a pleasant surprise for the Sweet Rolls, who picked up big points in the division.  “My feet hurt” she said at one point, seeming as if she might wear down.  “That’s because you’ve been kicking so much ass!” encouraged Sugar Daddy.  He must have been learning at the School of Frenchy.  Candyman led the way for the Rolls putting up a 142 average for the night.

Watch out for these hot treats.  They’ll mess with your mind and roll you away. 

Saucy Posse 10.5 Pinups 4.5 

Don’t sleep on the Posse.  Literally or figuratively.  When the moody Walter finds his groove and the rest of the family follows along, they can be a dangerous group.  Plus they’re out to prove something after last year’s devastating first round playoff upset.  Kathy Nash also commented on the team’s lifted mood after being moved out of the corner to a respectable lane assignment.  “The Saucy Posse is the change you can believe in!”.  One change they don’t support: the DJ-ing.  I’m getting a mixed bag of reviews on this one and want to let it play out for a while.  As for the game, well SauPo started average and slowly asserted their dominance, getting 3, then 3.5, then 4 points to pick up the big division win.

As for the Pinups, seriously?  Eight players?!?  Whatever works Ern.  I think he’s still not confident The Oft-Injured Chunk’s body will hold up and he’s hedging his bets.  Maybe there will be a heartless roster cut-down on the eve of the playoffs.  That would definitely be Big Ern style.  The Big One made a couple questionable coaching moves, but that’s bound to happen with 8 folks.  After leading the team in Game 1, Rickety Cricket never saw the lanes again.  A morose Cricket chirped “Once you are born, you are dying.”  Yes, he chirped morosely, it can happen. 

After the game, Ern went on a rant.  “We deserve more respect.  Even if we are mediocre, we deserve more respect.  When I was a kid I got no respect.  The time I was kidnapped, the kidnappers sent a note to my parents “We want $5000 or you’ll see your kid again”.  This morning when I put on my underwear, I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.  I tell ya, no respect.”

Great Lost Spares 13 The Young and the Bowled 2 

Again, what?  13-2?  The Spares took it to the musically disappointed YBs in this fun matchup.  Pinstigator showed her leadership skills by leading her team in game one with a 141 and then bettering that with a game 2 150.  By the third game she was smiling on the bench, looking ahead.  “Bring it on Strikes of Hazzard.”  I fear for the Duke boys.  Captain Meatstick was not as happy with his scores, and said that he would have to go have a talk with his ball.  He did get some props from the DJ, in a weird sort of tribute.  Pin Fall wizard led all scorers with a pretty 169.

As for the Young ones, they may insult me, but I can’t help but like them.  Maybe it’s because they bring sweet pens and their handwriting is so whimsical.  They had a lot of things to talk about despite the score.  First they insulted my old legislative district.  “Senator ITZ arrived from Disgusta on time!  Wow.”  C’mon guys, you’re just jealous you don’t have your very own Western Avenue in all its glory.  But then they complimented me, calling me the Supreme Commander.  They love me, they hate me, they love me.  I know they’re just no good for me, but…

A few more quotes of note:

“You’re like a rock gym yourself.  I’ve seduced two women this way.” Queequeg

“Budget-schmudget, it’s bowling night!” Large Marge

“He’s supposed to be politically incorrect.  It’s bowling.” RR

Lastly, much like the Lesbowlians, the YBs were disappointed by the tunes.  Well, actually, they clarified that they were only upset “pre-Minogue”. 

Off Constantly 14 I.C.B.I.N.G. 1 

Off Constantly believes.  “You better believe it’s Gutterface!  He can bring it.”  Gutterface did bring it with a 198 in game 3 to avoid a shutout as ICBING continues their murderous stretch of schedule.  Off Constantly had a solid night, but played with an ease about them that one of their members secretly admitted was problematic.  “It’s the rest of the league.  I love them, they’re great and fun and awesome, but where’s the fire, where the blood lust?  It’s affecting us by osmosis.”  Maybe I’m paraphrasing.  He definitely said “Where are the hungry eyes?”  I think they’ll be there come playoff time.

Peanut Gutter’s crew continue to look like they know something the rest of us don’t  14-1 loss or big win, they walk out with a knowing grin on their face.  Maybe it’s their extra “experience”.  They have lamented the age gap in the league, but realized that it may help in keeping them young.  This team, when all the pieces are together, after being battle hardened by one of the league’s toughest schedules, and with no chance of being rattled by whippersnappers, are a team that I believe could make a bit of a darkhorse playoff run.  But that’s premature.  As Jim Mora would yell, “Playoffs?  You’re talking about Playoffs?

Dirty Half Dozen 9 Three Fingered Willies 6 

“It was a dark and stormy, wet and wily, filled with fear night as we ran down the lanes of fantasy.”  So began Pin Whisperer’s postgame interview, which only got more interesting from there.  “Finding ourselves stranded in the middle of the woods, without pants, asking ourselves is the first or last time we are runner-up in the pageant”.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, P-Dubs is back.  After losing the first game 4-1 to the mighty Half Dozen, The Pin Whisperer jumped in the lineup for game 2 and led his team back into a tie.  A curious Number One, watching nearby, whispered in excited disbelief “They’re giving them all three fingers!” 

Pirate of DHD had a different reaction.  “They don’t realize it’s an exhibition.  They think it’s a fight!”  Still rattled by the Cher, DHD fell completely off their stride in game 2, and found themselves in a tie they never expected.  “Sometimes you eat the bear, sometimes the bear eats you”, contributed a thoughtful Jeltz.  They even left the door wide open to the Willies in game three, rolling far below their averages, but other than Dirk McLucky, the Willies couldn’t sieze the opportunity.  They may have still been busy trying to figure out what Pin Whisperer was talking about.

Gutterballs 8 Lesbowlians 7 

The Gutterballs continued their string of wins by edging the Lesbowlians, even as they dealt with strong abandonment issues brought to the fore by their Captain not showing up.  “Ask Cliff about the ‘testicles wave’? yelled an exuberant LoLo after a great 152-148 night.  Thank you, but I don’t think I really want to.  “Whatevs.  WOOT!”  This team was hard to pindown during interview time without a captain to steer the ship.

The Lesbowlians managed to come back with 4 points in the final game to finish with a score they were pretty happy with.  And they should be.  Butch was strong again despite the Cher being cut-off, but on this night he had company.  Tiltawhirl came out on fire and finished with an even 300 in two games.  Olivasudden put up two solid scores, and Downtown made a 40 pin improvement from games 1 to 3.  As they begin to accumulate points, the Lesbowlians are starting to want to pick out their own opponents.  “We wonder why we never play the Three Fingered Willies (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, saynomore)”.  Their strong finish has them thinking big.  “Strike it rich, that’s how we roll!”

Happy Hands Productions 12 Maine Yacht and Friends 3 

It always seems Happy Hands runs into controversy, at no fault of their own.  Last night they had the misfortune to be playing “Maine Yacht”.  Normally, that would have been a fine matchup: nice enough team and all.  But Maine Yacht as we know them are gone.  Apparently Hawse Pipe didn’t get the memo (nor did Hungus).  In a shocking disappointment, Hawse Pipe was the only player to show up for these guys, who may have folded operations.  He did have some help from lane regular Moe, who rolled a 237-157-207, and Ben, who rolled a 224-120-104, but those points were all discounted.  It would be a shame to lose a team.  Let’s hope Hawse Pipe can round up the troops for one more go, or the team will go into receivership and the League (not you, Special K) will take them over.

Happy Hands was understandably confused by the night, and struggled out of the gates.  Jules led the way, but this felt decidedly like an exhibition match and the Hands’ scores were understandably lower than normal.  The League wishes to extend them an apology for this debacle, and will buy them a free pitcher next week.

Derelicte My Balls 8.5 Strikes of Hazzard 6.5 

This game was a meltdown.  DMB didn’t enter any scores for game three.  The Strikes of Hazzard didn’t submit a writeup, seemingly content with Roscoe P. Coltrane’s 6-pack winning turkey in Game 1.  Muskrat and Ez-E gave it their all for the Balls, but had no other Balls to hang with.  They may have scored a few more points in game three, but I’m not giving them any since they only had two players.  Let’s hope these teams get things straightened out next week.

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