It’s on the street. Inside your head on every beat, and the beat’s so loud, deep inside, the pressure’s on just to stay alive. Well, everyone remains ‘alive’ technically as everyone makes the playoffs, but that doesn’t take away from Glen Frey’s paean to end-of-season positioning in BowlPortland. There are six byes up for grabs in the last three weeks, and essentially 10 teams in the running. Let’s break it down.
Power Family Division:
BEER – 62 pts: Off Constantly, Three Livers, Three Fingered Willies
Alley-Gash Rollers – 57 pts: I.C.B.I.N.G., Three Fingered Willies, Young and the Bowled
Derelicte My Balls – 55 pts: Three Fingered Willies, Happy Hands, Urban Achievers
The Three Fingered Willies hold the outcome of this division in their hands, playing each of the three contenders in the final three weeks (that’s a lot of threes). Derelicte has been coming on strong, and may be in first at the end of week 9, but would have to pull off an unlikely win vs. the Urban Achievers to seal the deal. B.E.E.R. stumbled last week and left the door wide open. Now they face a resurgant Off Constantly in week 8. The AG Rollers have the easiest remaining schedule on paper, and tomorrow is their captain’s birthday.
Prediction: Alley Gash Rollers win division
Soulja Boy Division:
Binga’s Ringas – 90.5 pts: Dirty Half Dozen, Maine Yacht, Purple Haze
Off Constantly – 85.5 pts: BEER, Saucy Posse, Three Livers
Dirty Half Dozen – 77.5 pts: Binga’s, Lesbowlians, I.C.B.I.N.G.
The two runners-up in the division do have the inside track on the 2 wildcard spots, but noone is ready to concede the crown. Let’s start with the Dirty Half Dozen. They look to have Harlyn P back for tomorrow’s showdown against Binga’s. They want to reassert themselves as title contenders and there is no better stage to do it. If they are able to pick up the win Tuesday, they could go on a scoring rampage in weeks 9 and 10 to make a run at the top. Off Constantly is going to have to earn it, with games against the #6, #10 and a solid Three Livers squad…no gimmes. Binga’s just needs to survive week 8, then cruise home.
Prediction: Binga’s wins division, Off Constantly and Dirty Half Dozen win wildcards
Roll Another – 71 pts: Hyper-Bowl-E, Pinups, Die Gassenjungen
Pud’s Taxi – 63 pts: Sweet Rolls, Urban Achievers, Pinups
Roll Another keeps chugging along with victories, and have built a nice cushion in the division. They have a tough matchup left against the Pinups, but Pud’s has a tougher schedule. I don’t think Pud’s can make up the points, but they can help decide the Pacific Division with games against the Urban Achievers and the Pinups.
Prediction: Roll Another wins division
Urban Achievers – 77 pts: Happy Hands Productions, Pud’s Taxi, Derelicte My Balls
Pinups – 70 pts: Gutterballs, Roll Another, Pud’s Taxi
This looks like a great race. In week 8, the Pinups are on lane 1 and the Achievers on lane 26, so they will just have to play their own game with no scoreboard watching. I think they both win big. I think the Pinups maybe pickup a point or two going into the final week, and the teams will bowl right next to each other in week 10 with the title on the line. It’s just a shame these teams played each other in week one.
Prediction: Urban Achievers in a squeaker
Now, onto this week’s lines!
Pinups (-9) vs Gutterballs: The league is waiting for the Gutterballs to break out some secret Nomia-issued weapon…will it be this week in the wasteland of lane one? Big Ern sneers at the concepts of mercy and justice, and will not hesitate to sweep the leg.
Pud’s (-2) vs. Sweet Rolls: The fresh faces of Sweet Rolls (and accompanying smiles) have the potential to completely distract the Taxiers. They counter with the surprisingly less distracting “Honey’s mullet”.
Young and the Bowled (-3) vs. Maine Yacht: Both teams are hungry for a win. Special K has actually kept her whole team literally hungry so that noone can “pinch an inch on them, but you are all encouraged to try”. Sextant’s yachtsmen may pinch with the ferocity of angry crabs, but Senator ITZ will lay down the cloture.
Purple Haze (-1) vs. Incredibowls: Seriously? Predict this one? These two teams are capable of anything. Sometimes they look like touring pros, sometimes they need the ramp and the bumpers. I’ll be lazy and go with ‘experience’. Purple Haze will be asking the Incredibowls all night if they ever have been.
Alley-Gash Rollers (-9) vs I.C.B.I.N.G.: Rumors are flying that Peanut Gutter has his team playing in another league. They have certainly been sighted practicing intensely. They have two fingers. The Rollers are looking to “mindf*^%” a win for their birthday girl Captain. Also, I learned that Tekakwitha means “The One Who Walks Groping for Her Way.” Poetically, her name is sometimes translated as “The One Who Puts Everything in Order.” Will she put the division ‘in order’?
Great Lost Spares (-2) vs Die Gassenjungen: Even money is being offered on the proposition that Pinstigator has stayed at Yankee Lanes all week showing people the printout of her seven strike masterpiece. I hope it’s untrue because a week of Yankee Lanes food can not be good for the system. Die Gass is in freefall, and I blame the dress. They never have any good shoes to go with it. Yes, I watched Sex and the City the movie last night, I am secure in my manhood.
Three Livers (-1) vs Strikes of Hazzard: Was that lightning in a bottle the Hazzard boys caught last week, or are things turning around for corrupt Southern cops? Well, good luck Roscoe chasing down the Three Livers – they will take you on a wild goose chase through rural Maine and leave your car propped up on a stone fence in the middle of a swamp after you try to pull off the same jump as them. There will be dancing in the Forks after this one, possibly in snowmobile suits.
Roll Another (-7) vs. Hyper-Bowl-E: Roll Another generally wins 11-4 and leaves without comments, so I’ll just assume that’s their plan for week 8. Miss Moxie used some special effects so her teammates think Roll Another is the size of legos, and they not only think they can beat legos, it has brought back a lot of warm reassuring memories.
Saucy Posse (-3) vs Lesbowlians: Noone want to play against TiltAWhirl right now, but SauPo will have to. Walter and the various Sauces have been bowling very well lately but not picking up the wins – they are very excited to be out of the corner. The Lesbowlians now have a bonafide ace, but they will need to play as a team. That should be possible after they all moved in together.
Off Constantly (-5) vs. B.E.E.R: I’ve never picked against my own team, and I don’t like doing it. I don’t like turnips or ice storms either, but that’s not important. Or is it? Fern and Roy G Biv are back to give BEER a fighting chance. If BEER goes down, it will at least go down smooth. OC may be bringing back “The Tron”, last seen in the arcade. Hopefully he will show up on one of these. It’s possible OC is overpopulating its roster. What will happen to Shithawk and Steve McQueen? In fact, what the heck is Steve McQueen doing back at BowlPortland anyway?
Derelicte My Balls (-3) vs Three Fingered Willies: Well, the Willies got their win. They will never get the other two fingers back so I hope it is some consolation. Derelicte is so hot right now. Of course they always enter March like a lion, but need to hold off their inner lamb for five more weeks. Roar or baaaa, Bubbles?
Urban Achievers (-8) vs Happy Hands Productions: If any team can overcome the wierdness of lane 26 it is the emotionless Achievers. I swear they were sent from the future and they are seeking out a particular pin to destroy, and will destroy any pins they see until they have accomplished their goal. Happy Hands have been quiet, but swear the “film” they’ve been “working on” for the last few months will be a masterpiece. Plot, feelings. People forget the brain is the biggest erogenous zone.
Binga’s Ringas (-3) vs Dirty Half Dozen: I happen to know DHD plays better when they are the underdogs, so Jeltz, you’re welcome. If Harlyn is back from his vision quest this game gets a whole lot more interesting. Peyote is still not a banned substance in BowlPortland, so forget that challenge Danny Diesel. Oh god…Meatloaf just came on the radio while I’m writing. Aaaaaaccchhhhh! I have to finish now.
POSTGAME AT NOVARE RES