Comparing The Fields

There are thousands of analyses of the NCAA tournament “brackets”.  There are thousands of made up words regarding them, and thousands of weak jokes making fun of those words.  Even Frank DeFord gets to ramble on NPR with some cutting edge material from the 50’s.  I’m not sure you need my take on the nitty gritty report, but you do need my BowlPortland breakdown…it’s like crack.  Which reminds me of that night with Frank DeFord actually.  So how can I capitalize on the hysteria, but make it about someting significant: The BowlPortland Playoffs?  Watch this (or read it).

Welcome to the 2009 BowlPortland Playoff Primer! Printable brackets will be available soon for your office pools.  How do you get them to play, when they don’t know any of the teams, you’re probably wondering.  Well, usually pool winners pick teams based on colors and mascots.  So those people should be easy sells.  But for the water cooler jocks who need some sort of basketball reference, I have found an NCAA hoops team that best matches each BowlPortland team.

#1 Binga’s Ringas:Louisville – The overall top seed, and regular season champs.  Danny Diesel=Rick Pitino

#2 Urban Achievers:Oklahoma – High seed, but they limp into the tournament and people seem to have forgotten about them after a lot of mid-season publicity. M.Knuckles=Blake Griffin

#3  Roll Another:Minnesota – Surprisingly successful after disastrous 2008, but hard to believe in.  Chupacabra=Tubby Smith

#4 Derelicte My Balls:Syracuse – Great late season run skyrocketed them up the standings.  Muskrat=Otto the Orange

#5 Off Constantly:North Carolina – Preseason favorite and strong championship pedigree, noone would be surprised if they won it all. Obama picked them. Knuffi=Tyler Hansborough

#6 Dirty Half Dozen:Memphis – Last season’s runner up, noone giving them respect even though they just keep winning.  Harlyn P=Elvis

#7 Pinups:Villanova – Forgotten amongst the bigger names, they’re a very good team and everyone knows they’re dangerous and could make a run.  Big Ern=Rollie Massamino

#8 Alley Gash Rollers:Tennessee – Leading the division for a long time, this team felt like it deserved a higher seed.  Ally will wear bright orange blazer over her tanktop. Bunny=Volunteer

#9 Pud’s Taxi:BYU – A solid team that believes they found the word of God in a magic buried book they could only read with magic eyeglasses.  Insist that rumors of polygamy are unfounded.  Cuppy=Donny Osmond

#10 B.E.E.R.:Clemson – Can roll a 719 (or beat Duke by 27) or get run over by bottom dwellers. They have a favorable draw but noone really trusts them to come through.  Filthy McNasty=Refrigerator Perry

#11 Sweet Rolls:Wake Forest – Led their division early, faded, then rebounded to finish steady.  Sugar=Demon Deacon

#12 Gutterballs:California – No one really knows about them, but they are sponsored by Nomia. Hildo=The Guy Who Spiked the Band Member in the Endzone

#13 Great Lost Spares:West Virginia – Capable of pulling off a surprise or two, love moonshine.  Pinstigator=Pittsnoggle

#14 Young and Bowled:USC – Struggled early, but enter the tournament on a hot streak.  Special K=Pete Carroll

#15 Saucy Posse:Arizona – They have the talent, but haven’t produced.  Postseason is a new life. Walter=Mel from Alice

#16 Purple Haze:Missouri – Showed flashes of brilliance, and have the horsed to run with anyone, but noone really focused on them.  Arnie=Show Me State

#17 Three Livers:Florida St – Party school. Bernie=Lattimer

#18 Die Gassenjungen:Akron – Vaguely German sounding.  Uli=Michelin Man

#19 Incredibowls:Butler – Shake it.  Could win a game, everyone likes saying their name. Boston=Mr. Belvedere

#20 Hyper-Bowl-E:Cleveland St – Can’t help but cheer for them, and they have some surprise victories.  Old Man Winter=Drew Carey

#21 Happy Hands Productions:Stephen F Austin and Robert Morris, together, alone.  Jasper=Morgan St

#22 Strikes of Hazzard:Bongzaga – Best players for each suspended for possession of shrooms.  Roscoe=Josh Heytvelt

#23 I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter:Cal-State Northridge – Would rather be playing frisbee. Gutterface=Scoober

#24 Lesbowlians:Temple – Lesbowlians worship at Temple of Cher. Tilt-A-Whirl=Dionte Christmas

#25 3 Fingered Willies:Tennessee-Chatanooga – No explanation necessary.  Schizo=Charleston Chew

#26 Maine Yacht:Radford – Both teams led by 6’11” Belarussians.  Sextant+2=People who know where Radford is


Now, go out and bet the house on your picks!

9 thoughts on “Comparing The Fields

  1. Cal is sponsored by Nomia? Now it makes sense that the trainers use Astroglide for the team’s postgame rubdown.

  2. Before I begin my rant, I think Florida State is a good representation of our team, decent athletes, skilled, and enjoy the good life. With that said, I resent the implication that I resemble Lattimer. First of all the movie “The Program” in which Lattimer is a character is a steriod freak. I do not believe anything about me says steriods. Secondly, wouldn’t a player like Charlie Ward be a better decription. A two sport athlete (bowling and dancing) that leads his team into the playoffs every year only to not live up to his potential. See you in the playoffs and danceoff.

    1. Bernie, you’re the first person in the history of the internet to compare yourself to Charlie Ward. That’s a self-inflicted wound, man. Besides, the Lattimer skeleton makeup is AWESOME.

      1. Jeltz, while I agree the Charlie Ward reference is a bit odd, you must admit it more accurately depicts me as an athlete then Lattimer. Besides, the skeleton paint while awesome fades in its effect as the roid rage turns to tears in the movie. Also, it does not compare to the makeup of “The Ultimate Warrior” of WWF fame, who was also a graduate of FSU!

  3. Despite the fact that I had to look up who Pete Carroll is, I’m flattered! He had a bunch of winning streaks this year and is described as, “Energetic and charismatic…coach Pete Carroll has returned the Trojan football program to national prominence.”


    The real question is who is going to dust off their ridiculous-high-school-Trojan (huh huh, get it?!) hats to the playoffs next week to show their support. I’m looking at you, Uli.

    1. I don’t think I understand this. My high school mascot was a muthafuckin’ Ram! I’ll get ‘horny’ if you want support, K…

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