Week 3: Just A Little Bit More Than The Law Would Allow

TDYOB 9 Three Livers 6

There’s been a lot of confusion surrounding Dr. Thunder.  I am hoping he is a psychiatrist, because there is a serious multiple personalities thing going on.  Anyway, the “Real Dr. Thunder”, I think, made his debut, and TDYOB held on to an early lead for a 9-6 win.  Roy Munson led the way, and the Borkmen did just enough to win.  They did have a very rough second game, but The Sherriff explained it to me.  “In case you haven’t noticed – which you haven’t, ’cause from what I can tell, you don’t notice anything ever – we are not very functional when we’re high.”

Three Livers had other things on their mind besides winning.  They had been struggling to regain the from that led them to back-to-back party titles.  In an effort to recapture the glory, Pearl ordered the team to burn their new jerseys and wear throwbacks.  Looks successful.  Bernie was back, replacing the more reserved Lukass, and in typical Bernie fashion, had a great time, and rolled a 205 followed by an 87.  Danimal finally realized “there is a lot of hot ass at the lanes”, and Flo added “Dr Thunder is definitely not the only doctor around here, because like Prince said, I got a PhD in advanced body moving!”  Lost in the merriment, Wilma rolled a 170/179 to start her annual climb up the leaderboard. The road back to the party crown starts with one small drink.  Good luck, Livers.

Wrecking Balls 8.5 Bowlderdash* 6.5

*now with 50% more beard

After a scorching start with predictions (22-4), I stumbled this week to a 7-6 record.  While a blow to my prestige, it is a good thing for the league that it is not becoming too predictable.  Despite the rough week, however, I did say this : Wrecking Balls (-2) –  I think it will be a see-saw match, but Swing wins it in game three.  Well, I got one.  Swing rolled a 172 in game three to pull out the only point for the Balls, giving them the two point win.  Lefty also had a nice game for the Balls, and Clark and Ramona showed drastic improvement, but The Dude has yet to get it going. “Hey man, keep your eyes on the prize” was his thought on it, selflessly putting team achievements above his own game.

After Michael Bowlton’s big week 2, his reputation preceded him to the game.  After the Balls won game one, they noted “well, Michael Bowlton hasn’t shown up yet, and we hear he’s GOOD!”  He does have a beard.  BowlPortland neo-celebrity Carrie Okay picked up the team’s lone point in game 2, but was disappointed that her teammate Dombomb “high fives like a teacher”.  Well, I do have to say in his defense there are some really horribly awkward high fives going on league wide, including my own.  I think you just have to commit to the fist or chest bump and stick with it.  Taking home 6.5 points is still something as Bowlderdash keeps showing improvement.  They credit it to watching a lot of bowling on BET, being friends with Olympians, and the awesome inspiration of imagination.

Off Constantly 15 Madbotts 0

One of the more fun storylines of 2010 is the affect Madbotts have on their opponents.  This one I could see coming a mile away.  Like a strutting peacock, Off Constantly was motivated to play their best in an attempt to show their brilliance.  As Quints would say, Helllloooooo Ladies!  Oz’ 214 wasn’t unusual, but Tron’s throwing up a 244 was somewhat transparent.  He even tried to look magnanimous and praised his brother, saying “oh my god, Number One found his sweet stroke!”  Solidifying my case, the newly engaged Dick Liquor and the two women on the team did not have good nights by their standards.  Fascinating.

The Madbotts are not accumulating points nearly as fast as they are accumulating admirers, but they are actually getting higher scores every game.  “Bowling strikes in tights, baby!” shouted an exuberant CC Boom Boom after the game, entirely unfazed by the score.  “We’re about good times, good vibes, and most importantly, good looks” added the rapidly improving Trinity.  They also noted that while they don’t want to make any trades, they have made Flo from Three Livers an honorary “Fl0-Bott”.

Gutterballs 15 Great Lost Spares 0

Two shutouts in one week?  Crazy.  The Spares season without 2009 Captain of the Year continues to be a struggle.  On the bright side, the losses have yet to discourage them ,as they predict picking up “16/15 points next week”.  (I’m hoping they did not intend it as a fraction, because if so what I said about not being discouraged is obviously wrong.)  They left with a few fighting words seeping out from their smiling teeth: “Mess with the bear, get the the Great Lost Spares”.

The Gutterballs are pretty turned on by all this winning.  They came up with suggestive descriptions of all the winter sports they could think of, and kept referencing the moneyshot.  They added “the fluffer wanted to steal the bear”.  Probably better to just drop that one.  The G-Balls got big games from Big Ed, Big Lolo, and Big Rusty Nail.  The only thing going wrong for them now is that they just can’t find music to satisfy them, or a sound level to their liking.  They may all roll next week with iPods.

Sweet Rolls 13.5 Three Fingered Willies 1.5

I knew I shouldn’t have done it.  All that positive press scared the Pin Whisperer back into his hole, and after picking up an exciting win last week, the Willies were back to getting kicked around.  Captain Dirk McLucky even made a few walks to the line with P-Dubs, saying “Don’t think, Meat.  Just throw!”  Apparently Sweets McCoy listened in from the back row, and rolled a nice game, but in the end they had no team answers for the suddenly hot Sweet Rolls.  They may be left with just their fond daydreams of past curling glory.

Are the Sweet Rolls for real?  Their game 1 611 would indicate they just may be. It took a year for them to pick up their first team turkey (Hot Tamale Week 1), but only one week for Honey to grab their second one.  They did show a weakness lots of newly successful teams have, letting up on the gas in game 2.  While they picked up 3 and half points, they were a total of six pins from getting swept.  Still, that’s a building block for Frenchie and Sugar.  Hot Tamale was seen after the game holding his head in his hands and staring morosely at the floor, but it had nothing to do with the game.  “I had $1000 on the Madbotts to cover”, he sheepishly admitted.

No Pins Intended 9 Pud’s Taxi 6

If you haven’t had a chance to watch an NPI game yet, I highly recommend it.  Captain What Wut’s constant dancing, moving, bouncing from player to player, is something to behold.  One can only imagine how crazy it would get should someone play his favorite song, “I Know You Want Me”.  He’s even calling himself Mr. 305 now.  Then there’s Oolie’s preparations.  You can almost hear the gears turning in his brain as he adjusts his shoulders, hips and attitude before each roll.  Add in the fabulous Ram brothers, and it’s a regular carnival.  The sideshow gang had a nice win, getting 2, then 3 and finally 4 points to grab the victory over their very friendly rivals.

Pud’s don’t care.  They’re more moshers than swayers.  Their unique physicality has them all starting to follow the lead of team muse Bullett by ending up sitting down after they release the ball.  Makes for a better vantage pint I suppose, and you can’t fault a team for embracing the beauty of bowling.  Cuppy, noticing the admiring stares from T-Wrex, barked “If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it!” before marching back to his table and breaking into tears.  Very confusing stuff.  Sort of like Dink’s yearbook quote: “Moozy dangle dong poo poo rock dick…”  There’s a little more but I’ll leave you guessing.

Strikes of Hazzard 9 Incredibowls 6

When asked if he ever bet on bowling before Tuesday’s game, Uncle Jesse responded, “When we was makin’ corn whiskey, we paid taxes on the corn. Gamblin’s a vice. How you gonna tax vice?”  Apparently he got a little nervous thinking I was a Revenuer.  He then offered me Roscoe P. Coltrane in a trade.  Once he got a little shine in him and got his head back in the game, he set out on a visionquest to what would be his most glorious achievement in a storied career.  In Game 3, Uncle Jesse, a lifetime 130’s bowler, opened with an 8.  Then, seven straight strikes, each more exciting than the last.  After a frame 9 spare threatened to stop the magic, he closed out with another turkey, at which point pistols were shootin’ in the air all over lanes 3 and 4.  A joy-drunk Uncle jesse turned to his joyous teammates and confessed “I really like you guys, but I like one of you more than the others.”  He then pounded shine till he passed out on the floor.

He didn’t realize how unfortunate that was for him, as an anonymous bowler on Incredibowls was so taken by the performance she said “I wanna do Uncle Jesse.”  Maybe next time.  The Incredibowls had one down game, and it cost them the match, but they were so caught up in the moment that they weren’t the least bit upset.  “Besides”, added Red Hot Hands, “It’s like the Strikes of Hazzard just said.  Bowling is like making love.  You always think you’ll do better the next time.”

B.E.E.R. 11 Living on a Spare 4

As Karl Hungus stood on the precipice of opening a new bowling alley, and watched the development of our little league, he couldn’t help but notice the game passing him by.  He bought his cartoon ball (Complete Annihilation Revival?  WTF?), but still couldn’t break through.  Then he moved two boards to the left, and his life will never be the same.  Karl’s first 200+ in league play helped pace the B.E.E.R. in game one to a 5-0 lead, and they overcame big game 2s from Coco and Shithawk to pull out the 11-4 win.  Filthy, also rolling the Annihilator, was looking good too until his tenth frame strike was in the wrong lane.  Upon shifting to the correct lane, he also shifted to the gutter.  Twice.

Coco was the high scorer for the self-anointed LOS-ers.  They were so shaken by the game one loss, the ladies shed their uniforms.  The lack of clothing definitely seemed to boost their scores (along with their teammate/partners’ spirits).  They attributed the loss partially to Hungus, and partially to getting rusty over the bye week.

Urban Achievers 10 Dirty Half Dozen 5

Uh oh.  The Achievers are playing the nobody believed in us card again.  They roared back fro a 4-1 deficit to knock off Dirty Half Dozen in a rematch of last year’s semi-final, which went the other way.  An 1808 team series spoke for itself, so J. hammer refused to fill out the questionnaire.

DHD may have been a little preoccupied with the rumors that team management was trying to acquire Bernie in a trade.  (The deadline passed without any movement.)  The team came flying out of the gate, but by game three when Pirate, still rolling strong, turned to his side to say “who’s with me”, he was utterly alone.  Jeltz turned it off after one so he could see if his bet had paid off in the yak luge [sport motto: if there’s anything better than risking your life on a sled while wearing a full body Trojan, it’s risking your life on a sled wearing a full body Trojan covered in MUSK!]  And that was that.

Young and the Bowled 14 Lesbowlians 1

“Boomshakalaka!” bellowed Lou Dawg after his latest pin conquest.  “It’s all about the shorts, baby!’  The shorts, and new Y&B sensation Pistol Pete, who continues to regain his Wisco form.  The short-staffed Yung’uns rolled fast, like they had somewhere to be.  “Apres-bowl hot tub relay” acknowledged Anya Caboose.  This team is too mercurial to pin down for any more comprehensive answers at this point.
The Lesbowlians took to the fake maple without captain Trixy around.  Given that, her teammates noted the result wasn’t really a shocker.  They started looking past this game almost from the beginning, working on new celebratory moves for future weeks when things go better.  “Fist pump bitches, it’s all about the fist pump!” noted the Knocker Rocker.

Saucy Posse 14 UREA! 1

UREA! is another team that doesn’t like to address the media.  They did leave this prepared statement after Tuesday’s game.

Urea was first discovered in urine in 1773 by the French chemist Hilaire Rouelle.

In 1828, the German chemist Friedrich Wöhler obtained urea by treating silver isocyanate with ammonium chloride in a failed attempt to prepare ammonium cyanate:^[2]

AgNCO + NH₄Cl → (NH₂)₂CO + AgCl

This was the first time an organic compound was artificially synthesized from inorganic starting materials, without the involvement of living organisms. The results of this experiment implicitly discredited vitalism: the theory that the chemicals of living organisms are fundamentally different from inanimate matter. This insight was important for the development of organic chemistry. His discovery prompted Wöhler to write triumphantly to Berzelius: “I must tell you that I can make urea without the use of kidneys, either man or dog. Ammonium cyanate is urea.” For this discovery, Wöhler is considered by many the father of organic chemistry.

Saucy Posse never did like Organic Chemistry.  They were more focused on Phys Ed, specifically on bowling day.  The early training continues to pay off, as SauPo keeps piling up the points.  Despite their success, they made a trade offer for Wilma (which interestingly makes three 3 Livers players other teams would trade for, and no one from any other team.)

C.B. O’Nutz 10 Pinups 5

Two weeks straight the Nutz have left the lanes without comment.  Once after a big loss, this time after a win, so at least they’re consistent.  I did see that they pulled away after the game was tied at 5-5.  Other than that I just have the tortured cries of the Pinups to go on.

Silky Pete blew up with another 210 game, but the Pinups fell to 0-2 without Chunk.  No surprise.  Bulge temptingly had lots of crazy things to say, but most of them are more Smack Talk board material.  Big Ern simply huffed “You take bowling, I’ll take life!”

Roll Another 11 Happy Hands Prod 4

HHP’s Dandy Mountain continued the new trend of leaving shirts at the bowling alley, but broadened the practice to include leaving it behind after a loss.  Sasha Northfield, who was proud of her 154, just referred to the oversight as “nasty”.  Maybe.  Then they did some stuff as a team that I thought looked a little racy but they insisted it was just “luge practice”.

The Roll Anotherers rode the Package to a 5-0 lead and never looked back.  Chupacabra wryly stated “We may not be cunning linguists, but we’re master debators.”  He then looked around, stunned at the lack of laughter, and headed for the bar.