Oakie Goes Pats Trolling

Thursday A Lines Week 5 Oakie the Acorn Super Bowl Edition

Well we have BUI and Granolas on a bye. They should probably get together and scrimmage the way BUI is rolling I’d actually favor Granola in that one. Good thing is you can’t lose your bye week. BUI will probably get caught filming some Thursday A teams practices this week a la Patriots as they prepare to get back in the swing of things come week 6. Poor Snapshot got caught in a pick on a floating Sharks and Strikes video on Facebook. Poor guy, shit happens. It was confirmed that he did not eat it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_oIshYRqxU

Granola has the second lowest average on Thursday as a team so probably wouldn’t make sense to film their practices. Perhaps they have been rolling with deflated balls?

Also huge shout out to Ric Spair’s 733 series against BILF, guy probably pulled a Rodney Harrison and took some HGH to cheat his way to a win just like the Patriots have been doing for the last 15 years.

Early:

Guacabowle (2-1) -13 vs Bowled and the Beautiful (0-4): Like Gostowski B&B has been a little off this year with a 517 team average; however, that has been steadily increasing. Saw is leading the way for this crew at 153.1 and is top in avg for the team. Guac has 4 rollers with higher averages than that. Dick Whitman blew up after Oakie called his ass out last weekend. Classic Bill Parcells calling out his players through the media while working out a deal to the Jets and not preparing his team for Green Bay. Patriots could be heading to a record 5th Super Bowl loss. Well I don’t know about that but I am guaranteeing a B&B 5th straight loss. Ruby Canary is in the midst of a breakout All Star season with her 166 average. She is the Chris Hogan of the team, don’t cover him and he will burn your ass. Like everyone else on the team he is probably cheating somehow too.

5 Finger Discount -3 (1-2) vs Lion’s Den (2-2): Wow LD was talking a lot of shit after their 2-0 start, now lead by Das crushing it in the 150s and a lot of dudes that talk shit but cannot break 150 to save their lives they are like the 2007 Patriots right now they just cannot finish the deal. Looks like they are planning to bang and caw caw their way to a 2-10 season in their first season in “A”. This is shades of Patriots past before Bellicheat got there and started one of the most systematic and covert cheating tactics since Lance Armstrong and crew were climbing mountains. 5 Finger is lead by Rufio and Logjammer with strong help from Dutch and Coco. The bowler formerly known as Natro has yet to show his face this year and is currently toting a Roy Munsonesque 141.8 avg. 5 Finger won’t need much help from Natro to dispatch the overconfident group from LD. The boys from LD need to figure out this pattern soon or it will be a long season for their livers and their averages. Gonna be a long season for Bellicheat (guy cheated on his wife too, cheating is his thing) after Matty Ice smacks them off with their 3rd Super Bowl loss of their tyrannical, cheating infested regime.

YB2 (4-0) -13 vs GOB (2-1): How the hell is GOB 2-1???!?!?! They have a 576 average; they either got some Patriot like cheating system going or Thursday “A” sucks sweaty balls:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxeO-4lIpL8

Got to hand it to the podcast guys Oakie actually laughed once or twice this week. That is progress, not to mention GlossyJack or is it CrackerGlossy, killed it with the Facebook Live feed of Sharks versus Sauce, which was super fun. That is highly recommended you can watch BoPo from the comforts of your home while talking shit to your buddies. Jerk and Thunder had a little back and forth going during the feed. Let’s be honest YB2 already beat LOS (cue Cheese and Precious at the top of their lungs, “STOP SAYING THAT!!!!!!!!”) no one is going to beat them on Thursday night. These guys are going to be a one seed. Pistol Pete seems to be going the Roidney Harrison way himself, with the HGH, and has refound old glory. If they can get enough from Mystery Powers and Mo $ they could have a nice tourney run. Potential Captain of the Year frontrunner Invisible Hand said he had two 130s in practice the other day and said, “I almost quit!” Well no one can accuse these guys of cheating.

ICBING (4-0) -12 vs Bad News Spares (0-4): The lovable losers from ICBING are 4-0 for the first time in team history. I do not know that to be true, but it sounds good. Peanut Gutter unlike Bellicheat doesn’t like to blow anyone out. They beat a team in two, so PG rolled a left-handed between his legs game 3 and got a 79 and thought it was great; he killed his average by like 20 pins. This is what pitchers of Kamikazess do to you people; not for the faint of heart or liver. These party animals will be too much for the huge roster of BNS. They must have 10-12 bowlers on that squad. This match is sure to be fun for all. It is also early so BNS may be able to steal a few more points from the ICBING crew who are not accustomed to early shifts being a long time party first bowl second team.

Roll Another (1-3) -1 vs Pinny Candy (1-3): Long time veterans are locking horns in this one. Whoever snorts or smokes the most deer antler spray with Ray Lewis before the match will win this one. Burn Unit and long time vet system type quarterback, a la Tom Brady, The Package pace last year’s B league Champions. Here is Hungus and Thunder after they won:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TR-bsTkkXVY

Jesus couple of assholes that Thunder and Hungus, anyone surprised? We all know Hungus treats Thursday night the way the NY Giants treat the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl. That is to say very badly! On the other side of the coin you have Pinny Candy; they have to travel so you know they love the early oil. PayDay pacing the crew with a strong 157 avg., second on the team is Twizzler with a nice tidy 666 pin count. Praise Satan much anyone? At any rate I think when it all is said and done Roll Another rolls up their second win like Tom Brady rolls up his third Super Bowl loss this Sunday.

DHD (3-0) -5 vs Lesbowlians (3-1): If anyone has started taping hand signals again it’s the guys at DHD. These upstarts are looking to make a run at a B side title, and they want to make noise in the BoPo open tourney as well. This crew it putting in a ton of time. G Force and Hark Attack are in the top 10 in Thursday avg., and no one puts more time in other than GBoi all of Sharks and Strikes, Sparkles, Cheese, well okay a lot of people put a lot of time in but Doc Moose and Stephen Kingpin are putting in a ton of time. Former champion Fern has a good thing going with this squad. Lesbowlians ain’t afraid of nobody. They got numbers on their jerseys and they are ready to ball out in the paint led by hoopster (not to be confused with hipster) Tilt a Whirl who is off to an All Star start and by StayFree. They will be game and make DHD earn it in three, but I think in the end the high end power of G Force and the taped hand signals help them win this one just like the Patriots won when they cheated against the St. Louis Rams for their first title with an asterisk. (They all come with an asterisk, cue some clown Pats fan posting the website All NFL Teams Cheat funded by none other than the Kraft family.)

Late:

TDYOB 2-2 (-1) vs UREA! (2-2): We got an evenly matched game here. You know the type of game where your opponent isn’t serial cheating to gain an advantage. Space Farmer has been a revelation for the men and women of Bork. Top 6 in average on Thursday night and a surefire all star. The guy went from sucking on the podcast to being a half decent bowler. As Sparkles pointed out Farmer wouldn’t know where the All Star game was if he bowled on Tuesday but he doesn’t bowl on Tuesday. Munson and Thunder have been struggling and the ladies have been doing there thing. UREA! is paced as usual by T$. This will be a contrast of styles. UREA! is pretty laid backed and reserved, TDYOB is anything but. Eventually Thunder will do something like this to get them off their game. This is actual video of Thunder game 3 last week versus Tats and Tits:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dgxzItaQzw

Los (2-1) -5 vs Leisure Rolls (3-1): After a week off the Twin Towers are going to be itching to toe the line.   Here is a quick video of Precious and Cheese unpacking their gear down on the lanes. Stiffy is the third guy in at around 40 seconds deep in the clip:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mqy5yyZw6g

Those wild and crazy guys! Okay you know the drill LOS already has one more loss than they would like and when Cheese, Precious, Stiffy and Nugget all roll well they can beat every single team in the league. Also Shithawk has been too quiet I have to think he is one family visiting elsewhere, him home alone, whiskey fueled Smack Board rant is right around the corner. At least Oakie could dream like Randy Moss dreams about having a Super Bowl ring! Zing!!!! Oakie has been saying it for a long time; I am a huge Eli Manning fan. Best QB of all time, 2-0 against the human cheating machine Tom Brady in Super Bowls. Leisure Rolls do not give a shit about any of that. Magic rents a room at the Bingas Lounge, Insanal is pounding pins everyday, Deadliest Gatch was a rebranding nightmare and yet here they are sans Tampon Santa with Shooter crushing pins at 3-1. All these guys do is win, not tonight though, not tonight.

Is it me or does this dude look like Magic?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxWS1vKzFDY

Touch My Excite (2-2) -12 vs Tats and Tits (1-3): Jam on it, jam on it, jam jam jam jam on it. Finally T&T returns to late night where they can make it rain on the Thursday night party scene which Sparkles thinks doesn’t exist. Partying isn’t blacking out and throwing up kid that is JV shit. By the end of the night Rubbys will be riding around on Viking or Gutterslut’s after one of them rain down 6 or 7 X in a row.

Easy money says one of the T&T crew pulls a Fireball in this match:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZDuPCRenG4

Oakie loves multiple things about the above clip. First of all it looks like it hurts like shit and you can see that on his face. The fact that he is a great sport about it in person; Belmo not laughing on the way back from trying to half ass help him, and the fact that this is on YouTube for the rest of Fireball’s life. TME has too much depth for T&T. Viqueen and LaGa are pin killers Windiesel has 220 playoff games, Oakie hasn’t seen much of El Uno, maybe he only comes once? Tu sabes uno pendejo? Big plug for Narcos on Netflix; bowling against Viking is like bowling against Pablo Escobar. Let him win unless you want to get killed. Train Conductor has at least one big game in this joint my man is due!

FC Chukits (1-3) -3 vs Linguists (1-3): This is America, when you name your team in the vein of a European Soccer Club eventually people stop caring about you. Oolie goes in the tank, LouDawg let’s that two handed knuckler go, the Ram boys start fucking chucking it, and you take what you get on the lanes. But off the lanes you get one of the best parties on the lanes and a super fun time with a great crew; kind of like hanging with the Atlanta Falcons, Eli Manning, and David Tyree. Linguists are like DHD same name for a long time different crew of bowlers every year. I could be misreading this situation but by their 460 something team avg. Oakie pegs them as a party first bowl second type of squad. Well sign Oakie up I get 7 pin with my first roll every time. So hard to build a good score that way. Holla at your boy!!!!! FC wins but something like this goes down between Angus and Oolie:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q36uaSlf0ck

That is quite possibly the most vicious sucker punch in cinematic history.

Happy Hands (3-0) -5 vs Party Mix (2-1): Party Mix might have a new bowler. Black Morris went the first 9 then 7-2 in the 10th for 263 while rolling two handed. You know kind of like the Patriots 2007 season heck of a year but didn’t quite finish. #prasieEli That said Happy Hands has good ass juju on their side. Oakie thinks me spied Mookie Oak with a lane baby. Lane baby teams win. Beer has been a lane baby team. TDYOB is a 3 time lane baby team. ICBING had lane babies. LOS has had lane babies; lots of lane babies Oakie cannot recall them all because 2.5 Oz of walking around became legal this past Mary Jane Monday. Hell yes and you know who loves that Big Fucking Party. This is that cats walk up music before bowling:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABc8ciT5QLs

So yeah Oakie, Mookie Oak, kind of the same thing; bottom line HHP kicks the shit out of Party Mix in this one. That said Party Mix is on Oakie’s short list of best new addition, not to be confused with New Addition:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReI6gvzVP0Y

Get the hell out of Oakie’s way when that tune ^ comes on! One more time from the top and let’s get busy!!! Wow those clowns dancing at the beginning of the video look like Farmer, Munson and Thunder after a strike.

Bowlderdash (2-2) -10 vs Pud’s Taxi (2-1): A former player posted a news paper article on Facebook from BoPo days pre-Bayside and the story about how Pud’s Taxi got their name was in there. It was a great story that a slightly inebriated Oakie does not fully recall. But Pud is the name of a Portland cab driver that made an impression on some of the original Pud’s Taxi folks. BoPo!!!!!!!! Bowlderdash have been around forever, honestly you can’t have BoPo without someone named Big Ern in it, and he is cracking up pins at a 154 clip this season. Must have pulled a Patriots and filmed the oiling of the lanes. Fucking cheaters. Bowlderdash rolls in this win then walks out on their tabs, again.

Big hitter the Lama:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X48G7Y0VWW4

I love Thursday everyday I wake up first thing I think is, “Is it Thursday yet?!?!?!!?!!?” Oakie is so proud to be your celebrity bowler. Good luck tonight, hit em thin and let them spin!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7 thoughts on “Oakie Goes Pats Trolling

  1. Bruh. You can make fun of me. You can make fun of BUI. You can definitely make fun of Snapshot. When you make fun of Rodney Harrison, you have crossed the line. I’m coming down there in my Rodney jersey this week and I’m going to drop you the same way Mike Evans drops open passes!

      1. What the hell is that.

        Also Evans has numbers that match the best receivers of all time through three seasons.

      2. 2016 – 7 drops (tied for 3rd most), 4.1% drop rate.
        2015 – 11 drops (most), 7.4% drop rate

        Just sayin! These stats brought to you by the guy who runs the Mike Evans Fantasy Football Owner Support group. One time a guy walked in and was like, oh my bad man, I thought this was Alcoholics Anonymous. I was like, don’t worry bud. It’s basically the same thing.

  2. Sounds to me like Oakie is a fan of some Florida team that would have been better off going with Tebow. doesn’t matter which one, they all suck just as bad. That’s ok though, Northern Florida is basically Southern Georgia, so you can always fall back on the Falcons, they field a solid team once every few years.

    Awesome lines though Oakie, just wasted like 15 minutes of time at work and got that much closer to game time!

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