Final Thursday

Lots of makeup games tonight and tomorrow as well…

As we have reached the final week of the season, I ask you all to please sing along in your best Frank Sinatra voice:

And now, the end is near
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I’ll say it clear
I’ll state my case, of which I’m certain

I’ve bowled a season full
I’ve rolled on each and every lane
But more, much more than this
I did it my way

Writing the lines this year has been a very fun (and even more time consuming than I could have imagined) task…huge shout outs to Sparkles, Danks, and Oakie for their efforts this season.  Note these lines are LOADED with NSFW (which means you may not want to watch them at work) clips.  As this is my last chance at this (and I hadn’t used any It’s Always Sunny clips yet) I wanted to share with all of you my personal motto, as I think it applies to BoPo and writing these lines as well:

So settle in to this extended version of the lines.  If you take any of this seriously, no need to continue reading, unless you enjoy a laugh.

Bowlderdash and Y&B II enjoy a bye this week.  Congrats to Y&B II on their perfect regular season.  Only way that matters is if they end up winning it all, though.  I struggle to see that happening, so I think this video is a perfect metaphor for their season….a thrilling ride followed by a turd of an ending.

Touch My Xcite (-5) v. 5 Finger Discount – Touch My Xcitement is legit.  A team nobody will want to roll against come playoffs, unless your one of those groups of tools in Tuesday A with a massive average.  They broke 100 points this year, and only three losses (the fact that one of them is against TDYOB must drive them insane, although all of Bork thanks Viking for not making that match).  Great new team, fun bowlers, and a winning season makes for a successful debut for Touch.

5 Finger Discount also had a nice year, emerging from the ashes of the Lovernauts and posting 4 wins.  The return of Natro and Coco was nice, and Dutch has been a great add to the scene.  Lovernaut holdovers Logjammer and Sundown even wrote a song about how much they were psyched to have Coco on the team, check it out in this highly NSFW clip:

Wait, what?  Should we start calling Natro Baking Soda?

Leisure Rolls (-5) v. Tattoos and Titties – How the fuck did Leisure Rolls end up top 4 on Thursday A?  That should tell you all you need to know about the depth of the bowling (and quality of the partying) on Thursdays.  This whole mid-level depth thing has gone on too long…this is a team that lost to Lion’s Den, but avoided the Shootout?

I think Train Conductor is just the man to step up and take a couple points in this match.  But that’ll be about it for scoring for Tats and Tits, Leisure Rolls closes with a win, and the T-n-T crew waltzes smiling into the Sunday Shootout, because they do love to do shots no matter the date, time, place or method for doing said shots.

Happy Hands (-5) v. Pud’s Taxi – Happy Hands have enjoyed a nice season, with a solid 7-3 record.  That’s a few more wins than we have seen in past years.  They get their eighth win of the season, but it won’t be enough to make the B playoffs.

Pud’s Taxi also had a few more wins than usual, posting 3 victories this year.  Sharkey has led the way with a 147 for Pud’s Taxi, but that won’t be enough this week.

Max Shipp and Mookie Oak have been spending a ton of time at the lanes lately, usually with baby in tow.  TDYOB did that with a couple of their kids, and they all turned out insane.  Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

Lesbowlians (-3) v Cunning Linguists – Win and their in.  Simple as that for the Lesbowlians, who this prognosticator says is the second best B team on Thursday.  They will take care of business and get to the B playoffs.  But this is also the team that lost to Party Mix, so I expect the Linguists to keep it close and force a game three.

Lesbowlians know how to BoPo.  Twisty Treat boogies to Nelly Radio, Beaver rolls her games not knowing her score or the match score at all (maybe that’s a good thing, she averages a 123!), they party, they bowl, they win, they lose.  Then they do it all again the next week.

Linguists returned in new form this season, adding new rollers like 8 bit, Magnus, Maddog.  Their first Sunday Shootout awaits, where they will play some great Tuesday A team.  Oh well, was a fun season!

Granola (-1) v. ICBING – Granola finds a way to win.  Any team averaging 6 points per match should not have a .500 record.  But somehow they do.  I see them keeping it close, but in the end ICBING will take the win, finish 8-3, and head to the Sunday Shootout.  I like ICBING, but truth be told I also like cold toilet seats (RIP Chuck Barris, best game show host of all time who originally coined that phrase!).  Unfortunately for ICBING, they roll on Thursdays now so will be playing some Tuesday team, so I think their season ends this weekend.  Maybe its ICBING behind that Twitter Feed @TuesdayHaters??

LOS (-7) v. UREA! – LOS will again be challenging for the big prize next month, and can round out a great season with a win over an outmatched UREA! team.  A huge night from Double Cheese can get him the Thursday Average Title.

Urea! has enjoyed a “normal” season, with more losses than wins, and a trip to the Sunday Shootout on deck.  The loss of Automatic for the season was a big blow, but the addition of C Murda helped them stay fun and competitive in Thursday A.

Call it a hunch, but I think this is the last regular season match for LOS.  The entire team, sans Cheese and Nugget, have kids, and the conflicts are building for all of them to get to the lanes and field the team they once were.  Let’s face it, none of us are in the same place we were when we started rolling in this league…shout out to Collucci Kid!  It’s been a great run, but I don’t see this team returning in this form next year.  Hey, they have a banner to admire for all time, so there’s that.  I see many of them staying in BoPo, but LOS goes out with a comfortable win against UREA!

By the way, you know Stiffy is going to take this breakup badly, and I can foresee him going off the rails after the team falls apart.  Here is a GIF to predict the upcoming transformation of Stiffy….don’t say you haven’t been warned Candy Dix!


DHD (-3) v. Roll Another – Roll Another, the defending B champs, is the last thing standing between DHD and a perfect regular season….and I don’t see them stopping them.  DHD has been a machine all year, and that will continue this week and put them in as the #1 seed for the B playoffs.

It’s taken a lot of digging, but I did find out how Hark Attack met DHD.  Turns out he was a friend from the Honeymoon that San Diego and Lil Pickle took to the Jersey Shore (hey, don’t judge, this was the best they could muster) after marrying in 2004.  In this clip, you’ll see Hark Attack (real name Charlie) and the loving couple get into some mischief on the Boardwalk, and then see our newlyweds ride some of the attractions at the amusement park.  By the way, sweet corn rows Lil’ Pickle!  (#NSFW)

GOB (-3) v. Lion’s Den – Lion’s Den had a great debut in Thursday A, and the winner of this match will finish with a .500 record.  Both of these teams are headed to the Sunday Shootout, so it’s more about pride than anything.  But you know what I think about pride?

GOB has had a strong second half of the year as they have been tweaking the oil pattern to suit their rolls as we approach the playoffs.  Remember, this is a team that made the semis a couple of years ago, so anything is possible.  But it is important to note that Holden Green wasn’t on those teams, he was busy spending his nights like this:

Lion’s Den have had impressive wins and confounding losses….guess that’s bound to happen when you bowl in a beer league.  Former Captain of the Year Rick Vaughn has been rolling great lately, he says he credits his wife for that.  But to me the MVP of that team is Das Ducken.  An impressive average, a great vibe, and she even lets one of her teammates sleep with her.  What a hero.  And not for nothing, can someone get Wadsworth a red and white shirt and cap so we can play some live action Where’s Waldo?

Guacabowle (-9) v TDYOB – Guacabowle added Dick Whitman, bought a bar, got some great Avacado/Guacamole shirts, and did a lot of winning this season.  That doesn’t stop on Thursday, and they will close their season with an easy win over TDYOB.

In case you missed it….TDYOB stinks.  They have the second lowest point total in Thursday A, they barely got 2 playoff eligible women, and have needed subs over half their matches.  Farmer lucked into an All Star spot with a hot start, and has sucked since.  They scheduled 4 early matches and got destroyed in all four…back to all late matches next season.  I think next year it will be time to bring in a real doctor to the team:

Hey, he’ll be a good fit!  By the way, the new parking lot at the lanes has fewer spaces but more security cameras, and they were able to capture Munson, Thunder, and Farmer arriving at their match.

Party Mix (-3) v. FC Portland – Party Mix has been a great addition to Bowl Portland, and even got a big win last week against the Lesbowlians.  They can seal a winning record with a win over FC Portland, a team that used to win a bit, but instead they now let Lou Dawg roll a lot.  I foresee a lot of fun, and a lot of noise in this one.  No doubt that Big Party will deep throat that Vuvuzela Benny Hill style, he even posted about it on SnapFace.

RamRod bowls in a sweet Wes Malott jersey, but the comparisons end there.  Good thing he doesn’t care.  In fact, he will be coming to this match straight off a cross country flight, and he boasted he will be primed and ready for the match.  Take a look at this pre-game routine as he flies back for the match:

BUI (-3) v. Bowled and Beautiful – Two teams that had disappointing seasons close it out against each other.  I mean, you know it’s a bad year when beating TDYOB was a significant portion of your win total.

B&B had the win over a bad TDYOB, but also a huge upset over LOS.  So they can get the pins down.  A win would pull them out of the basement of Thursday A, but I don’t think they overcome an improving BUI.

Snapshot and G-Unit rolled very well in 2v2 a couple weeks ago, falling in the playoffs to Hungus/Jerk.  To celebrate, they got all dressed up and went to a Philadelphia Phillies Old Timer convention to hang with Chase Utley and Ryan Howard.  Needless to say they were a bit over-excited:

Pinny Candy (-5) v. BN Spares – The Bad News Spares got a big win against ICBING this year for their only W.  But for this group of fun friends, their season highlights are more about partying together on Thursdays than beating a bunch of State Legislators at bowling.

Pinny Candy enjoy a large team average advantage in this one, and can improve their Shootout positioning with a win.  Pay Day has paced his team with a 157 average, and should help lead them to their 5th win of the year on Thursday.

I loved writing the lines on occasion this year, it was a blast to hunt down clips and make fun of as many people as I could…pretty sure my own team got the worst of it! To everyone I offended this year, I offer you these parting words:


Peace Out BoPo!!


3 thoughts on “Final Thursday

  1. Great finale to the season my man. Well played.

    But I must say, I’m quite disappointed to learn of the impending break-up of LOS. The overall Thursday average is going to drop significantly without these guys crushing pins all the time.

    Don’t sleep on Waldo! I mean Wadsworth. Don’t sleep!


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