Okay now that we are all over Hungus telling us how smart he is in the Tuesday lines by findings some pictures plagiarizing the narrative associated with said picture to fit his narrative let’s get back to reality and start handicapping some early lines.
Leisure Rolls -12 (1-2) versus Spare of the Dog (0-2): This matchup reminds me of something out of a James Joyce novel. Finnegans Wake opens with the words “riverrun, past Eve and Adam’s, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs.”. “Vico propounded a cyclical view of history, in which civilisation rose from chaos, passed through theocratic, aristocratic, and democratic phases, and then lapsed back into chaos.” When it comes to the Spare of the Dogs it is just chaos without the cycling through different phases of civilization. Speaking of cycles, the high-flying D$ seems to have found a down one and somehow the Rolls sit at 1-2. Make that 2-2 the Dogs don’t appear to be putting any time on the lanes save for Thursday when the clear majority of them don’t remember being there due to over-consumption which is also something straight out of a James Joyce novel. Here is a microcosm of the Dog’s upcoming season:
DHD -12 (2-0) versus B&B (0-2): This match should harken the return of G Force. It will be nice to see old man river back on the lanes. Beaujolais, Strike T, Saw and crew are set up to be like T.S. Eliot’s The Waste Land in this one. They are set up to mirror the first section The Burial of the Dead. “Here is the man with three staves, and here the Wheel, And here is the one-eyed merchant, and this card, Which is blank, is something he carries on his back, Which I am forbidden to see. I do not find The Hanged Man. Fear death by water. I see crowds of people, walking round in a ring. Thank you. If you see dear Mrs. Equitone, Tell her I bring the horoscope myself: One must be so careful these days.” Yes, do be careful B&B because you are about to be killed:
GOB -12 (2-1) vs T&T (0-2): Wow not a lot of parity early on for Thursday Night. Rubbys reminds me of Japhy Ryder a main character in Jack Kerouac’s The Dharma Bums who is a fellow bhikkhu, poet, yab-yum expert, ex- logger, mountain climber, college graduate, Oriental scholar–and very careful user of incorrect grammar. Rubbys would love to see “thousands, or even millions of young Americans wandering around refusing to subscribe to the general demand that they consume production and therefore have to work for the privilege of consuming all that crap they didn’t really want anyway, such as refrigerators, TV sets, cars, at least fancy new cars, certain hair oils and deodorants, etc.” Well if anyone can get behind not using deodorant it is the mechanic heavy squad of GOB. These grease bums meet up with the Dharma Bums of T&T to have a sort of open mic of revelry of their own. The crew at GOB was not happy to be getting 10 points against the L. Trolls and went out and laid waste. Here is the gang gathered for a reading in the East side lounge after the match:
Roll Another -7 (2-0) versus ICBING (0-3): For TDYOB’s sister squad ICBING the losing will continue until morale improves. If you watch an ICBING match where they have all members of their team you will distinctly see all 9 rings of hell as described in Dante’s Inferno. In the first ring Limbo we find Rocky Bowlboa hanging with the unbaptized and virtuous pagans here, having not chosen Chris,t Rocky waits desperately for some other team to pick him up so his 160 average can be of use to someone. In the second ring Lust you will find 2 Dogs Fucking a carnal malefactor lusting after his significant other’s 153 average. “as the lovers drifted into self-indulgence and were carried sway by their passions, so now they drift for ever. The bright, voluptuous sin is now seen as it is – a howling darkness of helpless discomfort.” In the third ring Gluttony we find ex Binger Peanut Gutter literally eating himself to death. In the fourth ring Greed here we find Fabio hoarding as many splits a man can hoard. In the fifth ring Wrath we find Two Dogs again who “can find no joy in God or man or the universe” berating Gryendrok for having the 5th worst average on all of Thursday at 95.5. Aim down the middle Gryendork and throw it as hard as you can. Sixth Ring Heresy we find Ripcord 2.0 with what must be an very unorthodox approach to produce such un-Ripcordian results. Seventh ring (Violence) we again find Two Dogs after a pitcher of Kamikaze giving Fabio the viper “as they wallowed in blood during their lives, so they are immersed in the boiling blood forever, each according to the degree of his guilt”. Eighth Circle Fraud we once again find Ripcord for having the name “Ripcord” in her bowling moniker. In the final ninth circle Treachery we find the entire team stabbing each other in the back after a season full of large hangovers and no wins. Bones and crew cruise to victory as ICBING wallows in internal damnation. “In the middle of the journey of our life I found myself within a dark woods where the straight way was lost.”
UREA! (2-0) -15 versus Puds! (0-2): In the Shakespeare’s Henry V the king gives a rousing speech to get the boys ready to for battle. I can see Dink Mastercard now at Puds pregame trying to rouse the troops:
“If we are mark’d to die, we are enow
To do our country loss; and if to live,
The fewer men, the greater share of honour.
God’s will! I pray thee, wish not one man more.
By Jove, I am not covetous for gold,
Nor care I who doth feed upon my cost;
It yearns me not if men my garments wear;
Such outward things dwell not in my desires.
But if it be a sin to covet honour,
I am the most offending soul alive.”
Then they go out and get absolutely murdered 15-0 by C-Murda, J Bird, Casual T and crew. Here is Dink after the game, “Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.”
Happy Hands (1-1) -1 versus Lesbowlians (1-0): Finally a Thursday match that won’t be an absolute blood bath. Similar team averages but a clash of styles not quite unlike The Outsiders with HHP as the Socs and the Lesbowlians as the Greasers. After a back and forth match leading in a close defeat for the Lesbowlians Tilt stabs and kills Sasha Northfield leading to a Tuesday B turf war the likes Bowl Portland has never seen.
UREA! (2-0) -15 versus Bad News Spares (0-2): Nice little makeup game for Friday night lights. Bad News Spares will have a large crew there and they legitimately have some of the best bowling names in the league let me run them down for you in order of average highest to lowest: Kate Middlepin, Gutterpussy, Three Hole Punch, Motion to Strike, Smokeabowl, Buffalo Style, Rollapinna, Ballzee, and currently lowest Thursday average Strike a Pose, love the names. Jesus these ladies know how to party. Looks like two wins this week for a UREA! squad looking to get loose on back to back nights. Now that we all proved we went to college this week via the lines, here are UREA! after the match:
Wear your fucking life jackets guys!!!!
Here is a work of art for ya: Ode De Ripped Athlete Circa 1996:
In this picture we see a guy saying I am going to do whatever I want whenever I want and there is literally nothing you can do to stop me: