Tuesday night, BowlPortland challenged the elements – and won. Is it now an unstoppable force, or will such hubris bring its ultimate demise?
$3 Gutterballs 9.5 Pinups 5.5
Upset by the suggestion their win over Durty Half Dozen last week was somehow tainted, Pinup Beebop opined eloquently “”Waaa, we only lost because it wasn’t oily enough!” “If only we had more oil!” “We’re not responsible for losing badly, it’s the lack of oil’s fault!” Then he issued a challenge to the $3 Gutterballs to cook up an excuse. Well, they didn’t need one, because they cruised to a 9-6 win. Like several teams on this snowy evening, the Gutterboys only fielded 4 rollers. Still, they never considered staying home, or the possibility of games being cancelled. “[Cancellation rumors] were a joke, right? Seriously, playing with my bowling is like playing with my emotions” noted NicLovin, just before getting a postgame rubdown from team physician Dr. McGillicuty. “We’re better than Van Halen!” added High Roller, pumped on her sugar high from oreos and butterfingers and coming off a season high 167. “True, but we are less than Chuck Norris” added Two Hole Joel and His Moustache, keeping things in perspective.
Big Ern’s boys have had a rollercoaster ride. They opened with a loss, then won with Chunk, in his only appearance, then were dogged by questions about Chunk as they went on a losing streak, then got their swagger back culminating in a 12-3 win over the then top seed last week. One wonders how this recent setback will affect them. Will they rebound quickly, will they start being bombarded with Chunk questions again? Or perhaps they’ll follow the lead of their Captain and just “sit in our boxers, eat beef-a-roni out of a can and watch Golden Girls reruns.” “Ha ha, so true, that Blanche is such a slut!” added Rocksteady, before then denying he knew anything about the show.
Happy Hands Productions 9 Spare Us 6
Spare Us made the big walk Tuesday to the middle lanes, after playing all season on the edge. The new surroundings seemed to be treating them well, as they held a 6-4 lead going into the third game. But eventually the bright lights got to this young team, and they folded game 3 in straight sets. And they didn’t win the 50/50. They used some fascinating math to calculate just where they stand in BowlPortland after the game. “Spare Us > Pinups, yet Spare Us < Durty Half Dozen, and Spare Us = Happy Hands. Finally, Spare Us + 3 Livers = perfection.” You hear that 3 Livers? I Think they’re asking you out!
Happy Hands know a thing or two about putting the moves on. They also know what to do when stuck at home in the snow. “We usually just make porn movies and surf casual encounters on craigslist” noted Jasper Pond, matter-of-factly. Well, tonight they put their libido on hold (temporarily) to pick up a big win in week 8. Jasper and TJ Hooker paced them with three strong games each. They are sitting in 8th place, but there is a five way race going on right now for the crucial 4th spot. “One advantage we have in this situation now”, added Sasha “is we are definitely the most experienced with five-ways.”
Derelicte My Balls 10 Purple Haze 5
Bubbles continued her sibling dominance, knocking off the The Dude and Lula to continue DMB’s meteoric rise. They are in 3rd, and close to 2nd, and look like a near lock for a first round bye. Who saw that coming? Easy E suffered the Bowler of the Week Curse that has affected all winners but Oz, and opened up with a 95. Not the encore he sought after last week’s out-of-the-blue 202. Still, the team found a way to overcome that and pick up the big 10 point victory, even with the Love Bug missing in action. Bubbles seemed a little dazed in the postgame interview, and has attributed that to the muscle relaxants this team relies on, that are supplied by team sponsor Dr. Lou. “We are less than the sum of our parts?” asked Bubbles, knowing it was odd to say. “But, our team plus A-Ha is unstoppable! Take me on!”
The Dude’s team has been in a mid season tailspin. Last night they only fielded four players. The good news for population control fans is at least they showed, because they say had bowling been cancelled they most likely would have “procreated”. The lone bright spot was team member J-Dawg posting a team and personal high score of 202 and getting an awesome car racing graphic on the score screen. With the loss, the Haze has descended to 11th place. Sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes, the bear eats you.
BEER 14 Durty Half Dozen 1
Well, everyone expected a blowout, but most prognosticators saw it going the other way. In a game that gave BEER renewed hopes of a deep playoff run, they rolled with consistency to a big win. There were some charges that this wasn’t the ‘real’ BEER team, but I beg to differ. That 148-138-153? That was the real Roy G. Biv. 153-155-131? The real Hungus. And that souped up Ford Probe of a pace car leading off each game? Same guy who managed a nine with the defense in his face? That was definitely the real Filthy. “I’m talking a really nice Probe” added Roy. Guest Bowler Tim (Cheddar?) was strong, granted, but was not the difference maker in this one. One down side – the Pin Whisperer may have driven into a ditch and spent the night in a snowbank. More later.
DHD was off from the getgo on Tuesday. They still don’t seem to have recovered from the Off Constantly loss. This team that usually is warming up by 7:30 was still a player short at 8:15. Rushing into action, only Princess managed to roll at or above her average in the opener. A rough start is definitely not what this team with the glass-psyche needed. Pirate (who practiced Sunday) came up with a 148 in game 2, trying to get something going, but they again went down 5-0. “We are not whole without Harlyn P” they lamented. Riggs finished strong to get one point and avoid the shutout, but “that and $.50 will get you a cup of joe” he sighed. Really bad joe, I’m thinking. Amazingly, the DHD has held on to 2nd place, a testament to how dominant they were for 5 weeks. We’ll see if they can pull it back together for the playoffs.
Off Constantly 12 Saucy Posse 3
So, Oz won Bowler of the week twice. His team’s in 1st place. He leads the league in average. Last night, he won 50/50. Plans for next week include stealing your girlfriend and taking your lunch money – and rolling a 250. The Constantlies fended off another pretender to the throne with a convincing 12-3 win over the Saucy Posse. “Hey we know we’re greater than most, but we are still less than perfect” philosophized Tron. The team was inspired by the triumphant return of team Captain Dick Liquor. He rolled an impressive 68 from his wheelchair, but added an emotional boost impossible to quantify. “Bowlers in wheelchairs are people too” suggested Number 1. Another week, another win. These guys could clinch a playoff bye as early as next week.
Saucy Posse was relatively silent on the night’s performance. P Sauce took a shot at his team’s desire, or maybe their bowling courage. “Hey, us plus some guts might equal glory.” Thre is a long trail of teams left quiet after failing to beat Off Constantly. Add these guys to the heap. SauPo’s grip on the last playoff bye is tenuous to say the least, with three teams within one point of them.
Binga’s Wingas 9 3 Livers 6
At 11 am, Wing Alec called and asked if games were cancelled. At 5 pm, he said he couldn’t field a team. At 5:15 he said he might have a team, but he’d have to play with a near broken wrist. At 10pm, his team walked off the lanes with an impressive 9-6 win. Wing Alex continues to give this team a top-notch threat, averaging 156 on the night and solidifying his second in the league ranking. Wing Mike gave them the steadying presence, having bowled every week and given some consistency to a team with massive turnover. “We are better than an ostrich, though not quite a King Cobra. However, if you added us to an ostrich, that would equal a team worse than us. Can you imagine that?” Tonight I can. After a few drinks.
3 Livers loves them some Subarus. That’s how they navigated the blizzard to reach the lanes. Of course, after the outcome, some on the team wished bowling had been cancelled so they could have “stayed home and beat Off Constantly.” The team did welcome back Wilma, who had a strong night, and welcomed Hank back to his high rolling ways. He and Wing Alex engaged a little ‘anything you can do I can do better’ match at the end of the night, each finishing the game with five straight strikes.�