From a new anonymous writer
These are definitive. These are accurate. Zero to no research went into this.
Strikes On Tap (+/-4) vs. Burners: From what I can tell, Strikes On Tap have pretty much skated by on good looks this season. Their team average is nothing special, but they do have two wins so it’s tough to count them out. The Burners are going to do what the Burners always do, stay completely sober and do weird shit like throwing the ball with two hands. If the Burners learn to lighten up (maybe try smoking some weed or something, it’s legal now) they win by 4. If Strikes On Tap win by 4, it’ll be because they scored 4 more points than Burners. Key match up: Le Femme vs. Chris Cross.
B.A.R.E. (+As many points as you can get) vs. Nurps: I have to come clean. I wasn’t totally honest in the into. I did do some research. I tried to find out who the Nurps are, and came up empty. Are they a new team, or an old team that changed their name, they aren’t in the standings, so I guess we’ll never know. It seems pretty obvious that B.A.R.E. is going to win against phantom team. To paraphrase Sticky Fingaz’ partner Fredro Starr, “I bet my ass against this line.”
Poultry Association (+1) vs. Whoomp: If Poultry Ass. comes together like a Thanksgiving Voltron they should take this one, but it won’t be a gimme. I actually think Whoomp has a pretty good chance at an upset here, but every time I think of the word Whoomp I’m reminded of this really awkward teacher I had in high school that would use really outdated catchphrases. He made everyone uncomfortable, but looking back, this teacher may have been a comedy genius, NOT!
Ball That (+5) vs. Mindz In Tha Gutter: You remember when Clubber Lang beat the shit out of Rocky and then killed Mick in the beginning of Rocky III? I think that is going to happen here. Mainly because I have it on good authority that Twinkle Toes has already killed multiple old men. Bayside isn’t just a bowling alley, it’s a hunting ground.
N.E.D. (going to win, but they’ll make it interesting) vs. Bowl Trolls: This is a tough one. N.E.D. is the clear favorite, better looking, and superior team. Wait, maybe it’s not that tough. Trolls have been dodging them for weeks, but they are only delaying the inevitable. N.E.D. have the best average of any team A or B, from what I can tell, so this doesn’t look good for the Trolls who have yet to roll a single strike in their first 13 games this season.
Incredibowls (=3) vs. Splits AF: I have it on good authority that God Of Thunder has drank nothing but 4 Roses Old Fashioneds for the last nine months. The only solid food he has consumed is the extra cherry he deftly requests with each glass of silky brown testosterone. While the whiskey dulls the pain of another year without a live action remake of Snow White it has also pushed him to peak performance. Much like Manny Ramirez used PEDs to achieve greatness, GoT guzzles corn liquor to push the limits of what a man can do. Island Boy and SeaChellz need to get it going early if they want to keep this close.
Wrecking Balls (-1) vs. BILF: Not much to say here, except that I definitely, 100% know who the fuck Major Danks is, and that I think he goes off tonight and brings this home for BILF and gives them their first victory.
N.E.D. (+2) vs. Bud Light Strawberry Seltzer: N.E.D. has a doubleheader tonight, so they are going to be entering this game on a high note after waxing Bowl Trolls. I don’t think they are going to bowl technically well, but I think, but it shouldn’t matter.
FC Portland vs. Bohemian Strike City: I’m just now learning that there is whole official BoPo night on Thursday. I guess it’s like the JV squads. I’m not sure who to pick here, I just hope these little scamps have fun.