We are FINALLY at the end of January! I really needed to check the calendar before committing to this whole dry January thing…5 Thursday BoPo matches without any booze?! That was not well planned. But this is my final dry match for a very long time, so I’m planning to go out with some good scores.
Before I start, a HUGE thank you to Flatline from Hexy’s Hooligans for supplying me with a data sheet of team averages that was a huge assist in me writing these lines. Even if I do it all as a set up for jokes, he kept me grounded in facts for at least 50% of what you are about to read. Much appreciated. I love that someone new to the league is doing things like this. Similar to Hexy with the stats, Magic with the schedule, Cheese filming mock commercials, it’s folks willing to put in some extra time that make this whole league amazing. Add Flatline to the list of good guys. Gotta be honest, though, I hope you lose this week Flatline, but thank you again!
I have all the Thursday A matches this week. We’ll start with an intriguing matchup:
Tattoos and Titties (-3) v. Lion’s Den – Last time we saw Lion’s Den they were shit-stomping Leisure Rolls, who are finding new ways to lose each week. Lion’s Den are nobody’s doormat. The additions of Otis and Mountain Man make them a very solid team, but tonight they run into early season surprises in T&T.
T&T got their first loss of the season to BUI last week, but were still putting up some huge numbers. Gerg dropped a 245 for fuck’s sake! Train Conductor had a huge turkey in the tenth last week to steal a point. All to no avail though. I see them bouncing back and taking this one, but it won’t be a blow out.
Das Ducken is actually a fiery competitor, and I could see her getting angry at the loss. But her team will be there for her to help her get through it:
LOS (-7) v. Touch My Xcite – LOS must be happy not to see another powerhouse on the schedule this week. They are sitting at 3-1 and have battled the top half of the division so far. Cheese is killing it as usual. Precious seemed to have found something last week. And Putt Putt will return this week from a “work” trip to Florida where the best thing he saw was a GPS-enabled cooler that can follow you around with cold beers.
Told ya! Its real!
Touch is off to a tough start, scoring only 8 points thus far this season. Lucky Charms, Uno, 8-bit, Potato Thumb and Chattyare all bunched up in average between 160 and 173, but that won’t cut it on Thursday anymore, and LOS should cruise to a win. Lil’ Bit may dream for a win, but according to this creep,it’s not happening.
GOB (-1) v. Average Bros – As I write Thursday lines this year, I am blown away at how much this division has improved. There are 5 teams with averages over 700 per game. And neither of these teams are on that list!
GOB fell flat on their faces last week against TDYOB, losing in 2 games. Holden, Squeaky and Splinter all rolled below their standards, and it’s starting to look like Holden may be giving back a lot of the money he won last year given his average.
I really don’t know what to think of the Average Bros yet. Many of them can roll big scores. They have 5 bowlers averaging over a 170, so GOB will have to roll well to take care of business. A bad night by folks will certainly spell doom for GOB again, but I think tonight they pull it off. The match is back on the old side, and that’s where Holden and Squeaky are most comfortable. Average Bros are the defending Thursday A champs (at least that’s what I remember), but they will get their second loss of the season in a close one. By the way, who is Bald Eagle?
Woah, take it easy! Was that real?
DHD (-1) v. Y&B 2k20 – Technically this would be an upset, but the reality is that either of teams can beat anyone on any given Thursday. Each team is bringing 3 bowlers with a 190+ average into this match (you’re welcome for including your 189.7 average in this list, Kingpin), and All Day Lemay has a 188, so expect huge scores tonight in this one. It is a late match, though, so things may be a little squirrelly out there for these guys/gals.
Y&B got their first loss of the year to My Balls last week, and it looks like the shine is coming off of Pistol Pete a little bit. The guy still has a 198 average, but it has been on a downward trend the last couple of weeks. DHD has been putting in the work, even rolling a bunch after their Sunday morning match last weekend. G-Force was sucking down some beers at the film shoot this week, and you know he probably stuck around to roll another 6 games. Hard to go against that, especially when the lanes break down, so give me DHD in a close one. Nice boots, Doc Moose….Lil’ Pickle thinks they are sexy!
TDYOB (-1) v. Hexy’s Hooligans – If you go strictly by the numbers, TDYOB should crush, as their 663 team average blows away the 662 average of Hexy and crew. But, when you roll with the fools on TDYOB, the numbers don’t matter. The yelling, dancing, general chaos they bring to a match usually is enough to disrupt even the most stoic of bowlers. I mean, am I right, Splinter?
Hexy’s crew will bring their usual ambush of 180’s tonight. The aforementioned Flatline, Tommy Torpedo, and Portland’s favorite mustachioed architect, Clam Hands, all have solid 180+ averages. Lobsterman and Princess Pinnacle are doing well, but not quite up to the caliber of the others. Flatline may have one of the cooler names out there in BoPo….the guy actually did flatline many many times only to be revived by a defibrillator! And the legend has it that upon his awakening he wanted to become a sales rep for the very tool that saved his life! Wait, is this an 80’s movie? Nope, turns out it was 1990:
Bork has found a good run of form lately, and Spare-O, Farmer, and Thunder have all been rocking 200’s on the regular (during practice). Munson is looking great of late. Mo$ is dialed in. And Spooky (Spooky!) is actually coming in to Bayside forpractice and is finding some success.
This match will feature a ton of booze consumed by the Hooligans. Some booze consumed by TDYOB. And in the end, it’ll be Spare-O who has a huge game to seal the win for TDYOB. Roll Bork!
Officer Spare-O at the Bork summer picnic last year, showing his skills to Farmer and Thunder:
After winning all the Grammy’s this week, I thought I’d sharemy favorite Billie Eilish tune:
Fun fact: The Obama’s now have 3 Grammys! Michelle joined Barack’s 2 wins with one of her own last weekend. And, for the record, Barack in not Thursday A material.