Last Tuesday, BowlPortland had its frist night sans Commisioner Hungus. I was in DC with eight other BowlPortlanders for the inauguration (it looked like more than 8 on tv). Well, Bubbles did a great job, and everything went off without a hitch, but there were a few issues that showed up in the postgame surveys. First, several of you were unsure who I was (best summarized by Pud’s Taxi: “Who the f is Karl Hungus?”). Also, those that knew me had a lot of anger (Young and the Bowled: “We don’t give an f about your writeups!”). So I saw a few options. I could come down hard on dissent, and rule with an iron fist, let you know me by the screams of my victims sort of approach. But that’s so 2001-2008. No, I have become hopey, so I will go with a friendlier approach. I thought I would start off my reintroduction this week with my most recent title…
- Postgamer of The Week: Week 1 – Karl Hungus, B.E.E.R This one was no contest. Around 40 people made an appearance at Rivalries, but only one man was still at the bar at 1:30.
Now, on to the writeups for Week 2, a week that featured several surprises. In an attempt to bring us all together, I opened up the writeups to three guest writers.�
- Hyper-Bowl-E 11.5 Die Gassenjungen 3.5 (by Uli, Die Gass)
Tensions were high and still mounting as the first game was delayed due to electronic difficulties. Hyper-Bowl-E and Die Gassenjungen used that time to size each other up. The glaring and bristling slowly gave way through the evening to mutual respect and high fives. Die Gass came on strong but were slowly dismantled by Hyper’s consistency and confident women. Miss Moxie’s preseason boasts were held up as truth as der Hauptmann’s developing hookball lost it’s way. All was not lost when out of the depths of imminent defeat, the Germans inspired a two-lane discotheque! There was boogying with no regard to the neighbors on either side trying to actually bowl. Fantastisch!
- Pinups 14.5 Strikes of Hazzard .5 (by Big Ern, Pinups)
For most, the Pinups’ bark was considered worse than their bite. I mean, they talked a good game, but never really followed through with the success they promised. After a humiliating Week 1 defeat at the hands of Urban Achievers (or New Kids on the Block Lite as they are popularly known in the League), the Pinups silently waited in the long grass, yearning for their time to come. During Week 2, their time had arrived.Big Ern was ecstatic over his team’s decisive victory over the Strikes of Hazard. “It’s official. We’re here to play. We’re above the law. We’re coming for you.” Chunk, back from a season-long absence due to an unfortunate body surfing injury, wasted no time making his presence known, yelling “I crush you” in a generic eastern European accent every time he got a strike. While Chunk’s presence was the big story of the week, the rest of the team, especially Silky Pete and Bulge Temptingly, rolled big numbers, leading to rumors that the Pinups will be the Arizona Cardinals of the Pacific Division.Roscoe Coltrane, captain of the Strikes of Hazard, cautioned the league that they should not be written off, “Look, we have a secret weapon, and his name is Uncle Jessie. While we may have gotten off to a late start, and while we may be unorthodox, I promise you, we will be a force to be reckoned with.” The Hazard’s harrowing defeat could be attributed to the busy week they had leading up to Week 2, with Mabel inaugurating new transmission fluid in her, Crazy Cooter inaugurating a new hammer and chisel to break driveway ice (and skulls), and Miz Tisdale inaugurating a sexual hiatus. Sorry boys, looks like this team won¹t be showing you the love on or off the lanes.
- Pud’s Taxi 9 Great Lost Spares 6
Who are these guys? That was the question everyone was asking after Pud’s big win in week 2. “We are not lords of the underworld” volunteered Dink, to at least offer some hint. The minty-green transporters offered little more than that, letting their bowling do the talking. “Nothin but strikes, suckahs!” yelled Cuppy. The team marches to their own drum, not even knowing the league commissioner or co-founder. They just do what they do. A jubilant Dink threw out an invite to the league: “Call Pud’s Taxi – you’ll have a great time getting absolutley nowhere!”Great Lost Spares saw things a little differently. On what should have been a joyous night, as the postgame host team, they instead came up with a list: Top 5 Reasons Never To Call Pud’s Taxi
- No Cars
- They Strike Out
- They are The Lords of the Underworld, Especially Slappy
- The One Girl Could Kick Eberyone’s Arse
- That Depends on Whether We Win or Lose
- Three Livers 8 Saucy Posse 7
Wilma’s Green Giants pulled out a squeaker in this throwback game. Two Original 11 teams, Three Livers and Saucy Posse have a lot of history. When they met on the far reaches of Yankee Lanes in Week 2, many believed that though early, this would determine the Pacific title (don’t tell that to Big Ern). However, 8-7 wins really don’t settle anything. And, frankly, this is a hardly a rivalry – more of a love-in. “The Posse Rules!” shouted Flo, from Three Livers. “No, no, you guys are the best, really” countered N Sauce. They saved their jabs for Hungus. “Wilma was NOT tired” barked Pearl, when asked for comment. As if to put an exclamation point on it, Wilma did roll a 162 (though her game 3 score fell again…hmmmm). Bernie managed to grab the mike briefly as well. “DID YOU SEE FLOOO!!!!!! HOT DAMN! FLOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”The Posse pinned their narrow loss on two things, P Sauce and Kathy Nash abandoning them, and the “bull#$%@ lane assignments”. Now that they are done with outside lanes for the season, look for them to make a strong move up the standings.
- Alley-Gash Rollers 14 Maine Yacht Club 1
MYC has a plan: consistency. For the second week in a row, they picked up one point. “Actually”, said a thoughtful Sea Cock, “it’s all about Fibonacci. Laugh now, but in week 7 we’ll have 13, and week 8, an impossible 21!” Actually, the Club had a much stronger week in week 2, and this score could have been a lot closer. Hawse Pipe put up a 145, and both Sea Cock and Shaft Log had a couple of 125+ games. “Fibo-who now?” asked the newly rich Bunny, when queried on the MYC scoring projections, before showing off his stack of
5 ones from last week’s 50/50. “Bunny gonna make it rain!” The AG Rollers made it rain points all night in taking over first place in the Power Family Division. Bunny and Natro paced the team, but they showed amazing consistency from top to bottom. “We did not lose a hand in a ball return accident” stated The Alley, apropos of nothing. The Rollers now play a big game next week against BEER, and a win there could give them a tight grip on the division.
- Urban Achievers 8 Gutterballs 7
“He’s a she, baby” yelled The Nihilist, as the Urban Achievers came into the 18th century and welcomed their first woman roller. J. Hammer beamed with pride. “We can win with Pinky! Go Pinky!” The Achievers continue their impressive start, serving notice on the league with a second straight win. They kept it simple and upbeat in the postgame interview. “We just come to roll – may the best balls win”. So far, their balls have ben pretty good.As for the Gutterballs, they came in feeling disrespected. “The commish didn’t include our first writeup despite our dutifully filling it out. I think Hungus realized we were for real so he just decided to mail it in.” Well, the ‘no respect’ angle sometimes works for sports teams, but wasn’t enough this Tuesday. Still the team is tied at the top of the Joy Division, and Cliff made himself known to the league with an eye-opening 191 game.
- Incredibowls 9.5 Lesbowlians 5.5
When the Incredibowls saw that they were matched up with the Lesbowlians for week 2, they knew they needed to practice. “I mostly watched Breakin’2: Electric Boogaloo for some old-school moves” said Boobs. “It’s tough when you matchup with a team like the Lesbowlians, because they could come at you with moves all the way from the Charleston to the pop and lock.” Shank, still mad about her shirt mixup, being called ‘jv’, and Hungus’ miserable inability to post on her website, had her own thoughts. “Two words – jazz hands”. As they limbered up and shot glares, the Lesbowlians actually got off to a lead in the bowling, winning game one 3.5-1.5, led by Butch’s 128. But Butch has been talking trash all week, and it had little to do with bowling. “I figured I’d show em how to twist and shout, old school style”. This was just the kind of throwback move Poops McGee anticipated. After Butch finished his moves and settled his hand in chin, challenge style, Poops’ feet starting moving. Then, to the horror of the Lesbowlians, he moonwalked right in front of them. Usually, bringing things into the 80’s puts them right in the Lesbowlians’ wheelhouse, but this moonwalk shook them. The Incredibowls picked up a 3-2 win in game 2, as Olivasudden and Frostee started arguing about who should bust out a ‘worm’. The Incredibowls continued to sieze on the confusion, and boot-scoot boogied their way to a 5-0 win in game 3. A resolute Lesbowlians squad knew they’d been beat, but vowed to immediately hit the studio and come up with some new material. “The league thought we couldn’t bring it. We obviously brought it, big time” said Trixy. The Incredibowls keep dancing through the league undefeated.�
- Young and the Bowled 11 Sweet Rolls 4
This what happens when yin loses its yang. With Frenchy in DC, the Sweet Rolls delicate chemistry fell apart, producing a sickly sweet, non-rising souffle of a game. Or, as Sugar put it “we fought valiantly and sweetly, but not successfully”. They did happily welcome Milk Dud and Snickers to the crew, and from the smiles on their faces they were not impacted by the results.If ever you need your bitter balance, it may be against Special K’s bunch. The Y n’ B rollers seize on any sign of weakness, or, in this case, sweetness. While rolling to a victory that inaugurated a “new bowling league confidence” the team played with lots of new potential slogans. “These balls, your face”. “I’m hot lava.” “Harpooned”. “Crack dat”. Frankly they scribbled like they had eaten the whole sweet roll bunch. Luckily, thanks to the K you can’t pinch an inch on them. One last interesting note, according to their responses, they love me, but “not in the erotic way”. Well, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
- Off Constantly 14 Derelicte My Balls 1
What has become of My Balls? Last year’s regular season runner up has not just stumbled out of the gate, they’ve passed out face first in a ditch. To make matters worse, they are not even in the top three for postgames. Theses are not the Balls we all remember. Bubbles chalked it up to not being an ambibowler, and disliking multitasking. In what may be a bluff, she has even invited the entire league to a bonfire at her farm to show her commitment to the postgame title. We’ll see.Off Constantly really doesn’t need any more press. The book tours, constant radio spots, Oprah appearances and Tron and Number One’s weird Abercrombie billboard have really pushed this team into overexposure mode. They did want to clarify one thing. “We’re not nice. I mean, mean” insisted Knuffi. Ok. We all know this team is looking forward to its week 5 showdown against this year’s big challenger Binga’s. We’ll see if they look ahead and let down.
- Binga’s 14 I.C.B.I.N.G. 1
So, what have we learned about Binga’s? Danny Diesel can roll, Jamaican Jerk is bringing insane bowling heat, and they desperately want to emulate last season’s champs. They put up a 14 to stay tied with OC, with 29 out of a possible 30. They had little to say this week, other than Buffalo Booth insulting me. They did want a shout out given to Albany Style Angela for her back to back 99s. “That’s how we do it in Albany, chumps”.As for I Can’t Believe, they have to feel like they are on a rollercoaster. After the high of last week’s 13-2 win, they plummeted to a 14-1 loss. Might be because they acknowledged that they spent pregame smoking out of an aluminum can. That also might explain their non sequitir postgame comments: “We all have huge appendages. I love lamp.” You try figuring this team out.
- Three Fingered Willies 7.5 Happy Hands Production 7.5
This one couldn’t have been scripted any better. The two teams who suffered the ignominy of week one shutouts shared the points evenly to help rebuild each other’s fragile confidence. Happy Hands thought it made clear that “we don’t just lay there.” Of course not, they’d be out of work. As far as I know, the Willies didn’t say anything, they just blushed and giggled.
- Roll Another 11 Purple Haze 4
This was a big win for employees everywhere. Fired up bu Chupacabra’s pregame ‘stick it to the man’ speech, the Anothers came on strong, paced early by The Package, and bookended by Bones. The Haze chipped in after the game to give The Dude the extra salary money he now owes Chup. Arnie also dropped a few words of wisdom. “We are not that old. We are not that nice.” �