Quiet Storm: Week 4 in BowlPortland (part I)

Next week is the first, and maybe biggest, of the clashes between title contenders.  #1 vs #2.  That said, I suppose it’s wrong to entirely ignore week 4, so here goes.  Perhaps it was my paraphrasing of Ladies Night in Tuesday’s lines, but the responses had a decidedly kinky flair.

Pinups 13 Hyper-Bowl-E 2

Et tu, Bulge Temptingly?  I guess it should come as no surprise that a man weened on the teet of Big Ern should so quickly break out the long knives when I hit a few bumps.  In fact, Big Ern himself couldn’t stop drunk commenting.  I advise you to buy one of these, Ern.  In a way it’s kind of sad that these guys are so desperate to see a writeup now that they have put together a big win, or maybe I’m just seeing things through a sad filter because I’m listening to too much Bread.  If a picture paints a thousand words, then how can I paint Ern.  Personalities aside, Silky Pete and Rickety Cricket provided an impressive one-two punch that announced the Pinups as possible contenders.  The big question mark is, surprise, surprise, the Oft-Injured Chunk.  If he comes back with those two rolling like that they are a scary team.  Well, not if Big Ern keeps chucking 98’s and yelling “the female orgasm is a big lie!”

Hyper-Bowl-E begs to differ.  Totally unfazed by the score, a sultry Miss Moxie offered up the following.  “Sometimes I think about that scene in “All The Real Girls” where Zooey Deschenel and that guy are making cute in a bowling lane, and then I bowl a gutterball and remember what this league’s all about: looking for cuties and dancing.”  There wasn’t much else for them to take away from the game.  “It’s a mean old world” added Michael Bowl-Ton.  Clearly, Miss Moxie needs to fill him in on the real point of the league.

Off Constantly 15 Happy Hands Productions 0

Some people can’t be helped.  Informed by league sources that if they just played their cards right for a few weeks they would be transformed from ‘heel’ to ‘face’, they go out and act like tools with a shutout.  Now who’s an objective observer to cheer for in next week’s showdown?  The big news in this game was that Knuffi had the second best average of the night, beating out Dick and Tron and Numero Uno.  That bears watching, because Knuffi promises to be at the center of any game 5 controversy, when her man Danny Diesel and his Ringas come to town.

Happy Hands is just rolling merrily along, but can’t seem to find any rhythm.  Sasha and Jasper have been alternating appearances, and last week they didn’t even have a full opponent.  In a theme common amongst this week’s losers, they did find consolation in the libidinal side of BowlPortland.  “We are inspired by getting some from the skirts we meet at the lanes” volunteered the newly returned TJ Hooker.  “Nothing gets the ladies going like bellies, balls and lane oil.”  I would argue with him, but these guys are professional woodmen.

Purple Haze 9  Strikes of Hazzard  6

The Haze don’t say much, but they do break records.  Last year they had the oldest and youngest bowlers in league history. They shattered that record this year with Hendrix on the top side and Li’l Dude bringing us to the 5th grade (sort of like Dick Liquor’s comments).  The youthful energy was just the jolt they needed, finally picking up a win in the division.  

I know this is getting ridiculous but I’m not making it up.  Strikes of Hazzard, losers, postgame comment: “Next week we’re bowling naked!”  I suppose it’s possible they don’t mean that in an erotic way, and in fact it sounds entirely not erotic, but I think given the trend with all the other losing teams this was meant as a come on.  In that vein, make what you will of Roscoe’s final thoughts.  “Straightening the curves, flattening the hills!”

Binga’s Ringas 14 Three Fingered Willies 1

On the verge of being painted as the biggest sports jerks since Dennis Rodman, the Ringas paused.  They showed a little restraint in cruising to a 14-1 win.  Wing Alex was indeed back, but if they put up the scores they did in week 4 against the OC, it probably won’t be enough.  But the Diesel knows that, and I think he was showing some graciousness.  Taking a cue from this week’s losers, Binga’s did mention they may need extra time for next week’s game, since they will be coming over from Platinum Plus.  Will they be able to pull Jamaican Jerk out of the VIP room by game time?  How will Knuffi react to the smell of ‘perfume’ all over Danny Diesel?  Just more intrigue for next week.

The Willies have been through the ringer.  They have now played Off Constantly, Dirty Half Dozen and Binga’s Ringas.  One could forgive them for being a little shellshocked.  They mostly just sat around with a thousand yard stare.  The Pin Whisperer did angrily grumble “I think Saturn…is..a…big…lie.  I mean, a planet with rings?  C’mon!”  Though P-Dubs’ comments will remain difficult to unscramble thoughout, this team has shown remarkable fortitude under the circumstances and have been toughened up.  Look out for them.

Pud’s Taxi   13   Lesbowlians   2

This was a breakout week for Pud’s.  They put up a big win, then Honey won the postgamer of the week, and the post-postgamer of the week.  He looks like an unstoppable force for this award going forward.  If you have any hopes of knocking him off, bring your drinking and dancing A game.  “We are inspired by the taste of souls” stated captain Dink.  “But this whole motherf’ng thing is a big lie!”  To give that some clarity, Crips pointed to some lyrics from his favorite song.  “Under the cities lies a heart made of ground. But the humans will give no love”.  Still unclear what they’re talking about?  Get used to it, that’s how Pud’s rolls.  Careful not to get sucked into staring at the mullet.

The Lesbowlians made Tuesday a tribute to all their inspirations.  “We just want to give a shout out to Ellen, Rosie, Paula Poundstone, Billie Jean King, Martina Navritalova, Melissa Etheridge, Cheryl Swoopes, KD Lang, Chastity Bono, Christy Gephardt and Cindy Blodgett.”  What a strange, seemingly unconnected list of people.  I mean, athletes, politicians, performers, they are all so different I just…oh, wait.  Nevermind.  “And Cher” insisted Butch, “Please don’t forget Cher!”  The team blames their lackluster performance on the lanes on the old ladies next door.  “Tell the old ladies to bring their ear plugs and shut off their hearing aids!  We know how to roll when it’s loud!”  As much as I like to blame the old ladies for everything too, this week the music issue was on Jay – he forgot his mixer.  

 B.E.E.R.  10  Die Gassenjungen  5

“My grandfather was in the wheelchair bowling hall of fame.  He had a 170 average.” So began Cheddar when asked what his bowling inspiration was.  That is pretty inspiring.  Unfortunately for BEER, not enough of his teammates heard the moving story in time to help their performances.  Luckily, it turns out Roy G Biv had used his week off to good purpose, going in for Back-Enlargement surgery.  The team took advantage and climbed on, and were able to pull out the win despite falling far below their averages.  Tom Richards did look stunning in a pastel-plaid ensemble, and Filthy was so busy spitting game in his fedora that he only rolled once.

Die Gass, still stinging from being left off the Best Dancers list (don’t worry, you’ll be able to prove your chops at the postseason Bowling Ball) preferred to use this space to advertise an event.

“Benefit Birthday Ball at Bubbas on February 19th, all proceeds benefit the Global Action Community League.  As if Ichtanzegern’s body ain’t reason enough to celebrate.”

Frankly I know nothing of this league, but I bet we are beter than them.

Gutterballs 9  Sweet Rolls  6

The casual observer would have been sure the Sweet Rolls were crushing Gutterballs based on their post-roll reactions. Screams, jumps, scissor kicks, backflips, more screams.  “That’s what a strike looks like!” said a bunny hopping Sugar, trying to implement some Frenchy style intimidation.  Unfortunately, there may be nothing less intimidating than a smiling, bunny-hopping Sugar. Even she noted this.  “I’m sugar, I’m always sweet.”  With the game turning, Sugar Daddy clearly showed which camp he is in.  “We are about to lose our first game of the season  and I say no f’ing way!  What is with the f’ing 9-pins?” While they did end up going down, I have to say I appreciated the “Kicking Ass Tally” on the back of their interview sheet. Unfortunately for them, it only had three marks.  

Gutterballs quickly recovered from a 3-2 opening game loss to post a shutout in game 2.  Continuing this week’s theme, Cliff added his summary after the game. “You know, that feeling you get when you roll that first ball and the blood starts rushing through your veins and then you realize you are the only naked bowler amongst a convention of Mormon’s”.  You see, when Nomia is your sponsor, you are encouraged to expand your erotic horizons, and this is a fantasy that is clearly on the outer reaches.  They also wrote on the back of their sheet, but it is far less clear what they meant.  “Temperature” and “Temp.” was all it said.  I guess they were trying to come up with a clever way to say how hot they were right now.

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter  11.5  Maine Yacht Club 3.5

ICBING has been feast or famine this season.  They have scored 14, 1, 1, and 11.5.  They were hungry this week.  GutterFace continues to look like the real deal for these guys, and while the rest of the team wasn’t in top form, it was enough to get the win.  Maybe they won because so many of the things that inspire them were all present Tuesday night.  “Beer, other people’s misery, heckling, music and love of the game”.  Sounds like they got it all.  In a bizarre team building exercise, Captain Peanut Gutter did force his rollers to all share a red hot dog on a steamed bun.  He insisted it was a teamwork metaphor, but for some reason couldn’t stop giggling.

Maine Yacht Club lives!  Really, the score is secondary here.  We are glad to have them back.  They said something about a shipwreck and having to make it back to town in 40 degree water with nothing but a cooler lid, but I don’t believe any of it.  Sea Cock quietly confessed to a much more macabre tale.  

“Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum
Drink and the devil had done for the rest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.
The mate was fixed by the bosun’s pike
The bosun brained with a marlinspike
And cookey’s throat was marked belike
It had been gripped by fingers ten;
And there they lay, all good dead men
Like break o’day in a boozing ken
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.”

A scary but much more believable tale.  And a sign, perhaps, that MYC may start to get a bit more intimidating.

Urban Achievers 8 Three Livers 7

This one was expected to be a great game and it did not disappoint.  In a battle for first in the Pacific, the upstart Achievers held off the seasoned Livers (delicious!) for a narrow victory.  An exuberant Manute Bowl continued the week’s theme: “This is pants down the best time any of us has had in a couple weeks!”  In a week when their scores were down, the Achievers capitalized on a quick 5-0 lead before fading late.  J. Hammer blamed the late slide on his being distracted by images of “Turd Ferguson, naked on a beach, sipping Coronas.”  Just a turd lying on the beach.  Ewww.

Three Livers had reason to be happy despite the loss.  Ruth looks like real deal.  Wilma was week 3 bowler of the week.  And Bernie’s request regarding the urinals was granted.  But the big question is – when’s the old Bernie coming back.  One of last year’s top bowlers, and the holder of the season one high game total, he still seems scarred from last years playoff collapse.  It’s 2009 Bernie, we’re all here for you, time to move on, your team needs you.  Ruth suggested he look to her “half century lady lump” for inspiration.  He did say all the right things in the postgame interview.  “I promise you, no one player will work harder, no team will work harder, I will not make this mistake again, WE will not make this mistake again.”  I am certain the rest of the team will be excited to hear these words.

 

Dirty Half Dozen 12  Saucy Posse 3

This one had a distinctive scent of 2008 about it.  All that was missing were the burger king jerseys and Dutch.  Lil P rediscovered her game after a one week absence, Pirate rolled strong and Jeltz showed the kind of rolling this team will need to turn the Big 2 into a Big 3.  SauPo continues to struggle since the name changes.  Angry fans chanted “We want P Sauce, we want R Sauce!”  as the game slipped away.  N Sauce, who stuck with her name, made her feelings clear.  “I’m not sure how much longer I can carry these guys on my own – return to your sauciness!”  

Other than that, silence.  DHD is simply lying in wait for OC and Binga’s to take shots at each other so they can pounce on the winner.  Figuratively.