Before the writeups, a few housekeeping matters. Keep looking at special offers. There is new stuff being posted there. Second, bar turnout was really low, even with $1.95 drafts. I know these are the dog days of the season, but realize the end of the league is fast approaching – come throw a few back with your leaguemates. Third, you are still welcome to bring in guest rollers, but at this point no new players will be eligible for the playoffs. They already have to have played at least once, and would need to make it to all of the last three nights if they’ve only been once.
Finally, and very importantly, the CHAMPIONSHIP HAS BEEN MOVED! It is now Thursday, April 9th. The change was necessary because the end of year Awards Gala, aka The Bowling Ball, has been scheduled for Friday April 10th, at SPACE Gallery. We want to be able to recognize our new (or defending) champs at the ceremony. Now, here are this week’s short but interactive writeups.
Lesbowlians 8 Young and the Bowled 7
NSA Group fun. (Got your attention?) SWF (with a side of ethnic and Cher) ISO lover of cats, long walks down the aisles of Home Depot, Ellen marathons, shopping for Keens and Subaru drag races. U-Haul preferred…no drama.
While the Lesbowlians search for love, they put together their first win of the season in a nailbiter over the Young and the Bowled. Perhaps it was the fact they thought ‘the jukebox rocked’ that gave them the edge, since to most teams it was like their ear drums were being massaged by a cheese grater. Whatever the reason, they were stoked to win, and offered up other musical suggestions. “If you liked the jukebox, you’ll LOVE this!”
As for the Young and the Bowled, they weren’t used to close games, and the emotions that accompany them. “I’m so excited! I’m so excited! I’m so…scared!” They had a right to be scared when TiltAWhirl rolled a 205….what?!?! R.R. joined Senator ITZ in strong rolling to keep the game close, but in the end “we were too distracted, Uli looked GOOD in that dress!”
Off Constantly 15 Maine Yacht Club 0
OC isn’t giving up on the number one spot. To get psyched up, they keep watching this. Other than that, they just get together for candle lit dinners and “just let things happen’. Those dinners may get more interesting with the return of Seve McQueen. They showed no mercy to their ‘friends’ this week, putting up 15 and gaining slightly on Binga’s
MYC thought that OC really was their friend, but now feel like this. They were overwhelmed on Tuesday, and were left babbling about sailboats and scurvy. “Who wants to take a pirate home?” burped out a wobbly Sea Cock before he passed out in a snowbank. Um, we’ll get back to you.
Incredibowls 9 Great Lost Spares 6
The Incredibowls play innocent. They’re polite, they rock out to GodTube. But then they post nastiness like this.
ME: Loves big, heavy balls, preferably waxed. Prone to splits, loves XXX.
Oh man. We won’t get into the rest. Tuesday they fell behind, but rallied for a big win to get back on track . They also rediscovered their groove a little bit, which shows amazing fortitude given how hard it was to find any groove in the tunes. On a side note Shank, who has bowled with a Silver Fox jersey all season, ran into the real Silver Fox. “I’m better” she noted. She proved it with a season high 157.
The Spares actually had a 5-0 lead in the game, thanks in no small part to the Pinstigator. In game one, she set a BowlPortland record with a 201, the highest score for a woman in league history (a record which fell to TiltAWhirl 45 minutes later). Unfortunately for the spares, this sent the Pinstigator on an early victory lap, showing her lovely printout. “Hard Core!” she shouted, but the Incredibowls were busy returning the favor with a sweep of their own. Regardless of the outcome, this is a night that Pinstigator will never forget.
Binga’s Ringas 13.5 Hyper-Bowl-E 1.5
“We got lucky” acknowledged Danny Diesel after his team picked up the big load of points. He’s right. The Ringas had a major hangover from last week’s final game sweep, and would have lost to more than half the teams in the league, but had just enough to stay one step ahead of Miss Moxie’s folks all night. “Oh man” added Hot Mango Mike, “it just wasn’t working, sort of like that episode of Saved by the bell where Screech nailed like 20 chicks and three dudes.” I don’t remember that one but sounds disturbing. Lucky Jamaican Jerk didn’t bring his fan club, as he rolled 40 points under his average. Despite the struggles, they maintain the overall top spot with three weeks left.
HBE couldn’t quite pull the big upset, partly due to K-Ron’s bowling related rib injury. Ouch! But more importantly, they have turned their attitude around, and are embracing their role as underdog for the rest of the year. “It’s like that episode of Webster where robbers broke into the house and took Ma’am and George hostage and because Webster, or The Webster, was so small he hid in a clock and went upstairs and called the police. Lesson? Good things come in small packages. And always keep secret passageways in your house, just in case.” Capping the night, Michael Bowlton stood outside DockFore holding a handmade “Will Hug for Strikes” sign.
Strikes of Hazzard 10 B.E.E.R. 5
On paper, this was one of the biggest upsets in league history. Strikes had yet to win, while BEER sat atop the division and had a 100+ pin higher average. But games aren’t played on paper, and Strikes played with the heart of a stoned champion in picking up a huge win. The games were all close, but Roscoe stayed one step ahead of Hungus in all his substitutions, playing things just right. Crazy Cooter went crazy in the leadoff spot, with his best series of the year, and special guest star ShitStick played just well enough to pick up some points. If they continue to play like this, the Strikes could pull off an early round upset.
As for BEER, the absence of Roy is starting to catch up with them, and the presence of margaritas caught up with Tom Richards. He rolled ok, actually picking up two turkeys, but also finished game one with three gutters and had a tremendous wipe out into the lane. Cheddar finally suffered from repressed disappointment of Brett Favre leaving Green Bay, and Filthy tried to be pure and eschewed the Filthy Hooker. “You don’t mess with Boss Hogg’s moonshine” noted a shellshocked Bishop of Bowl. No indeed.
Pinups 10 Three Livers 5
While the rest of the league was busy welcoming Pearl and Bernie back from the islands, the Pinups were mercilessly kicking them in the gut. Big Ern’s boys jumped out to a 10-0 lead before benching his starters and inserting himself to hold on for the 5 point win. These aren’t fluke wins, either, the scores are strong. “We are not only good, we are also charismatic and charming – and REALLY attractive!” contributed Hugh Manatee. If The Oft-Injured Chunk is out of traction for the playoffs, these guys are a real threat. Who woulda thunk it? “Worst to first, baby!” yelled Bird.
Three Livers had some solid excuses. Wilma was sick, and Bernie and Pearl’s minds were still in a beachside cabana in St. Maarten. However, they didn’t even use them. They actually didn’t even seem to care about the score. “We love Tuesdays, with a passion!” yelled Pearl, who has loving with a passion on the brain. 3L played with just four rollers, and put out this feeler for new blood.
“SWF/M – 41yo, looking for m/f to share a good book, a warm fire, long walks on the Old Port cobblestones, a glass of wine and to grow old with. Or at least someone younger to get drunk and fornicate with”. They should have zero problem finding takers.
Roll Another 11 Gutterballs 4
While I have climbed on the Pinups’ bandwagon, I have yet to jump in the Roll Another conestoga. Another bottom dweller from 2008 that has come on strong, they just hadn’t put up the big scores to catch my attention. Well, big scores or no, they just keep winning, and with the dispatching of 2nd place Gutterballs have the inside track to a division crown.
“We learned from Screech getting to bang Lisa on the beach…never give up!” shouted an enthused Bones. The more reserved Chupacabra put it differently. “How do you like my Package now?”
Gutterballs have been playing well all year, picking up points and staying in contention. But lately they’ve been overwhelmed with the pressure to the point where they are having trouble keeping things straight in their minds. For example, their childhood memories have all melted together to the point that they remember the following tv episode. “The one where Brenda adopts Webster and then goes to live with Balky and Cousin Larry. Then Screech and Kelly come over to play Scrabble. Webster won.” Oh my. Lolo did her best to keep things straight on the lanes, but this is a team in desperate need of a mental break. Maybe with the pressure of chasing a division crown off, they can rediscover their inner peace.
Three Fingered Willies 9 I.C.B.I.N.G. 6
Some captains maintain a stoic presence to inspire confidence. Others, like Dirtk McLucky, let it all hang loose. “OMFGWFFW!” he excitedly texted his friends after his team picked up its first win of the season. “We learned from watching Saved by the Bell if we ever wanted to get better we had to start taking caffeine pills and bowl all night – and it finally paid off!” screamed Schizo before collapsing into a heap on the floor. The Pin Whisperer, feeling his groove thing on his birthday, was the only player on this team who had ever experienced a BowlPortland win. Still, after the game, he did this.
“Why is this happening?” questioned Peanut Gutter after the loss. “Is this real life?” It is, PG. BowlPortland is a jungle and you have to come prepared every night to survive. “Is this forever?” No, only three more weeks. His teammates didn’t seem as phased and put out the following team ad: “Man with big hands looking for a gal to have a good time. Must have holes big enough for my fingers. Preferably well-oiled.” Good luck finding your soulmate.
Derelicte My Balls 10 Purple Haze 5
Look out BowlPortland, My Balls are on the patented late February rampage. Bubbles set the tone for her team with an opening frame 161, and then the team showed amazing consistency to grab the big win and put themselves back in the discussion for Power Family Division winner. “Unicorn planet!” shouted the exuberant Herbie after the win. “I sure could go for some more of that ambrosia” added Barry Violet.
Meanwhile, the Haze put up some eye popping numbers (I-Moan’s 193, Arnie’s 194) but didn’t have the depth to hang with lil’ sis. “Bubbles, Bubbles, Bubbles” pouted the Dude, “Everything’s always about Bubbles!” Well, that’s what happens when you’re running third amongst siblings in the Power Family Division. The Dude bowled well below average, but it was due to his discovering his inner snowboarder over the weekend, helping him also discover his inner bone bruise.
Urban Achievers 9 Saucy Posse 6
Trailing 6-4 entering game 3, J. Hammer called his team together. “Let the liquor do the thinking” he implored his team, after some five part harmonizing. It worked, as the Achievers posted an amazing 656 in game 3 to put up a big win. “Propane! Propane!” shouted M.Knuckles after his 212. Turd Ferguson just felt relief. “If we had lost, this might have happened.”
The Saucy Posse can’t catch a break, but they will be the roverbial team no one wants to face in the playoffs. Well, that is if they can stay out of trouble. Hot Sauce got caught trying to steal the change from the candy machine and may face disciplinary action. Special Sauce was busy doing this to other teams. But very quietly, Walter’s game and rage are returning. Look out.
Pud’s Taxi 13 Die Gassenjungen 2
Pud’s is for real. Steve French is for real. Led by Cuppy, Pud’s pounded Die Gas to set up a two team race for the Joy Division crown. “I DARE you to take me out to a nice dinner”, posited Dink after the win. That might have been aimed at Uli, gender bending on the next lane.
As for Die Gass…well. Six wigged, dancing beauties seek 6+ equally beautiful hotties for scandalous, sexy times and mutual bratwurst sucking. Prost!
I have nothing to add. Except this.
Dirty Half Dozen 13.5 Happy Hands Productions 1.5
Last week DHD played Off Constantly. Next week they play Binga’s. This week they tried to accumulates ome insuarance points, and they succeeded. Even with the win they found some dark linings. “Eagles (twice), Peter Gabriel, J Geils, Lil’ Feat, Traffic? Was this DJ Wonderbread?” mused Jeltz. They also miss Harlyn, on his annual mid-season vision quest. They’ll need him next week if they want to rattle Binga’s cage.
HHP has not been their usual, pornographic selves this year. Well maybe that is changing. I’ll just leave you with their personals ad: Colorblind premature ejaculator with ocd tendencies seeks bipolar catholic school girl with baggage for long elevator rides and ron Jeremy inspired happy endings.
Maybe that’s the kind of dirty talk to get them back on their game.
Sweet Rolls 8.5 Alley-Gash Rollers 6.5
With BEER leaving the door open Alley gash failed to capitalize, gaining only 1.5 points on the division leaders with their loss to the Sweet Rolls. The rollers jumped out to a big lead but seemed to hit a wall. They seemed rattled by the lack of danceable music. Which leads to the following observation. The Joy Division is the only division where teams excelled to the jukebox.
Naturally, then, the Sweet Rolls picked up the win. When the season started, the team was as likely to do this as roll a strike. My how times have changed. Sugar Daddy has put himself among the league leaders lately, and the rest of the team follows his sweet lead. “I thought all hot chicks were crazy,” said Sugar Daddy, “until I met the Sweet Roll gals!” With his newfound wisdom, he aims to please.