Voice of the League: Guest Writeups (post updated as new ones arrive)

From Lou Dawg (the guy in green shorts), Young and the Bowled

Urban Achievers 14 Young and the Bowled 1

Sometimes with BP’s wacky points system, a 14-1 match can be a lot more competitive than the final score might suggest – this, however, was not one of those instances.  Under the bright lights of the big Game(s) of the Week stage, The Urban Achievers put on a rip-roarin’, ass-whoopin’ exhibition.  La Gatita and her band of pin-slayers solidified their place amongst the giants of BowlPortland, while the impressive femme fatale continued her freight train campaign for Rolla’ of the Year.  J Hammer, M Knuckles, and D.R.M.A. are all happy to be along for the ride, plenty proud of their team’s flourishing as an equal-opportunity destroyer.

On the other side of the score, The Young and the Bowled picked the wrong night to turn in a sub-par performance.  It was a lesson in humility for the Gang Green, as they got their little green heinies racily spanked; and while spankings usually excite and arouse this sassy bunch, Captain LouDawg was suffering from a bad case of ‘whiskey balls’ and the whole team agreed that, “coach’s words are less inspiring when he’s drunk and slurring.”  The YBers did score some moral victories, though, with Pistol Pete breaking the 200-barrier and Senator ITZ getting back on the ballot.

From Dr. Thunder (the guy with no sleeves), TDYOB


Quite frankly the drinking year of bork has been lucky this year, with the wins and the fact that everyone they have rolled against has been an absolute blast to hang out with and UREA! was no exception.  UREA! was shorthanded due to T$ injury and had 4 people and TDYOB had four folks show as well.  UREA! quickly admitted that they were an expansion squad “as you will soon find out.” to which the borkers stated we too are an expansion team.  So right away, of course, Roy Munson felt the borkers were being sandbagged and called us in for a team chug.  Unfortunately UREA! was feeling under the weather and were not really imbibing too much but it didn’t stop them from having a blast and knocking down pins.  The Borkers also had Roy and Spooky’s 1 year old son in attendance who we quickly named DaFino.  Fortunately DaFino after a spat of trying to steal prizes and hand out shoes behind the counter feel asleep.  As the games got started UREA! said to the Borkers, “We thought you were an expansion team?”  To which the borkers responded, “We are, but we are also a bunch of 30 year old losers that consider ourselves athletes and pretty much roll 6 games a day here for the hopes of getting into the 150’s.”  Knuckles, T-Roll, J-Brid,and The Spade all broke it down on the dance floor and killed some pins, but in the end the borkers were too much for them as Spooky roared back from her vacation lay off and the Dr. (who won 2 of the 3 games over Roy and the Sheriff by the way….) Roy and the Sheriff all got each other fired up with safety meetings and flexing competitions.  How many push ups at Coach Paul’s can you do?  In the end Knuckles put it best when the Dr. missed yet another easy spare, “I love it when you freak out.”  The Dr. summed it up by stating, “This is the best night of my life!” and it had nothing to do with winning or losing a bowling match up, we are lucky with what we have in Bowl Portland, you don’t see many competitive venues where competitors jump up and celebrate their opponents great plays.  Roll BoPo……

From Oolie (the guy who loves Party In The U.S.A.), No Pins Intended

Off Constantly 15 No Pins Intended 0

It was clear early on that this Goliath had no respect for David.

No Pins Intended assumed that Off Constantly would have staked out the lanes an hour early just to get in the groove, but no – they skipped the warm-up altogether and strolled in with just enough time to lace up their shoes, and step up to the line. You could practically smell the arrogance oozing out of their pores. It was rank – like a slow jog past the East End shit-plant tanks.

While in theory, NPI could have seized the chance to sprint out to a lead while the juggernauts lumbered to loosen their steely joints and find balance, OC’s dominance was established by mid-game and NPI was fighting for one – maybe two points. Dick Liquor faked an injury and put the rumor mill in motion to suggest that his “stress fracture” was going to somehow adversely affect his game. He struck out the 10th frame – quelling any hopes of hot-to-trot Captain Wut What or Oolie grabbing the glory of top point.

If Off Constantly did show any stress, it was due to the fact that they had no answer to the ever-present gyrations and boisterous frolic of a fabulous team united in the true spirit of BowlPortland. OC’s modus operandi? A boycott of all merrymaking, Knuffi fluttering her long lashes at passers-by, two sets of twins acting out their own Doublemint ad/Twilight Zone episode hybrid, and a general sittin’ on their duffs ‘til it was their particular name with the blinking arrow.

While the Ram brothers tried to improvise with an insatiable thirst for Allen’s Coffee Brandy and a bar that had 86’d milk, and T-Wrex v2.0 rocked out her fave pair of spandex pants, Diesel continued to improve upon her very effective “Arabesque” ( http://bit.ly/a0OWKX ) bowling style.

Long story short… Off Constantly pulls 9th and 10th frame miracles out of their asses to destroy the dreams of would-be heroines and heroes.

From Chupacabra (legendary goat-killer), Roll Another

Three Livers 10 Roll Another 5

From the backwoods of the state that is cognitive dysfunction I am going to attempt to recap the pin crushing mayhem that went down on greasy lanes 11 and 12 last night.

Both teams in the match up were in fact originals of the league, bringing with them nearly 3 seasons of experience, they both knew very well what it takes to be prolific bowling teams… and thankfully they both decided to take the higher ground and focus on drinking, yelling, and having an all around great time. This however does not detract from the fact that both teams did come to bowl, and bowl they did. Roll Another the five point favorite in the game came out cold, having to mount a late first string rally to take a 4-1 lead into the second string. The second string we saw a 3 livers team that came out with fury, if you follow my theological train of thought I have strong evidence to support the idea that there’s a god for most everything, a god of chicken gravy, a god of shoe strings, and certainly a god of liquor… appropriately on this night the god of liquor smiled down upon the faithful 3 Livers crew. The second string saw 3 livers surge back with a 4-1 stomping, it was obvious the liquor was taking hold and for Roll Another this meant that their perfidious relations with the liquor gods this season left them with no choice but try hit the bar hard and hope to reestablish a formerly chummy relationship.  Dr.McGillicuddy’s, Crown Royal, Jack Daniels, PBR by the buckets…. but like flossing your teeth for 20 mins before going to the dentist it was obvious we had been slacking. The third sting was a token of 3 livers good faith and through blurred visions and hysterical laughter Roll Another watch as 3 Livers gracefully bestowed upon them a 5-0 pounding.

Written by Dirk McLucky, 3-Fingered Willies

Saucy Posse 12 Three Fingered Willies 3

SauPo came out swinging early in this matchup between the #8 ranked Posse and sentimental favorites Thee Fingered Willies.  Both teams bowled to close to their averages, but, fortunately or unfortunately depending on your point of view, SauPo averages about 100 pins a game more than 3FW.  So, not surprisingly, SauPo rolled to a 5-0 win in game 1.  Game 2 was an almost exact copy of game 1, with both teams staying true to form and SauPo opening up a 10-0 lead.  Game 3 was different.  At least it was different for 3FW.  The 4 Willies who made it to the lanes (Slick Nick, Sweets McCoy, and the Family McLucky) found their inner Pete Webbers and posted a team record 568.  This was not enough to overcome Walter’s impressive 201 and SauPo’s 578, but it was enough for 3FW to avoid the shutout and pick up 3 much needed points.

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