Unfiltered, unedited, Captain’s previews of their own teams…
Sharks & Strikes – Tuesday B: Captain – White Russian
Sharks + Strikes was incepted into the league in 2016, and still has all 6 original members. This year we’re hoping to make the playoffs for the first time with the help of our sub, should he ever come back from Jersey.
White Russian came to Maine after breaking out of the tennis training camps of Siberia. Just over one year ago she rolled her first game – a whopping 11 – and blamed it on PED withdrawals and a lack of broken glass. Dick du Jour also began bowling a year ago, but rolled one of his best games blackout drunk after mourning the loss of his pet shark, Frank. Sadly, the team mascot passed away after he and Dick crashed into a tree on the 13th hole during a golf tournament in June. Dick has been drunk ever since.
Black Morris was scouted hurling boulders at cows in the rice fields of Cambodia. His prowess in the ancient tradition was noted by his elders, so he moved to America with the dream of becoming a PBA champ. Here at Bayside High he perpetually tries to fulfill the desires of Beiber-Fevered Kelly Kabowlski. Hailing from a long line of bowlers, including her mother (D-bo, who is presently out of retirement and making a comeback in Casco Bay), Kelly crushed his dreams when she crushed his average.
Polly Ringwald’s fifth BoPo season seemed to be up in the air when it was rumoured he was leaving Yahtzee, so S+S jumped on the opportunity to pick him up. Unbeknownst to most, Polly dresses as Barry Manilo when he’s home alone, which is obviously one of his best qualities. Our sixth member Roo began bowling when he found out there were more guys at the lanes than at an All Male Review and it was still OK to stare at their asses (you can find him at Studio 55 dROOling on the bar most Saturday nights). And not to worry T-Club, both veterans and rookies alike know what three strikes really is. There are sharks in these waters!
Get ready BoPo. You’re gonna need a bigger boat.
Sons of Danarchy – Tuesday A: Captain – Danny Diesel
Rather than shying away, I’m going to do my best to give ya’ll the whole story, as I know
many of you in the Bowl Portland community are very intrigued… This whole “bowling” thing
started back in the winter of 2008, when I was asked to bowl for Binga’s Wingas. I was then a
first time bowler, and started off as a fill-in for the inaugural Bowl Portland season out of the
former Yankee Lanes. Fast forward to 2009, the team dismantled a little bit and I was offered to pick up the pieces as the team’s new captain, which I accepted happily. I was able to salvage Hot Mango Mike and Wing Alex from the previous roster, and picked up some new players as well including the then Buffalo Booth, Angela Style Albany, and the legendary Jamaican Jerk. The final roster consisted of me, Albany Style Angela, Hot Mango Mike, the Jamaican Jerk, Buffalo Booth and Wing Alex. We were a happy pie-eyed squad with big dream, and goals that would take us to the legendary status that Bingas still holds to this day. Long story short, we won the Bowl Portland Championship in 2009, and it was fucking epic, and the reason why my vest is adorned with Bingas patches to this day.
The year 2010 comes along, and we are just about the same epic team, riding on last season’s
championship high. We unfortunately lost Albany Style Angela in the off season, but made one
of the best pick-ups in BOPO history in adding Valley Girl Jess to the roster. When I first met
Jess, she was working as my chiropractor’s assistant, and during a visit she mentioned that she
was a former collegiate bowler… the rest is history. The Jamaican Jerk also had another female
ringa’ in mind to add to the roster, and so we brought aboard Layne aka Chernobylane. The team was stacked yet again, and again we had another standout season, sending ourselves into a title contention against none other than Charlie’s Angels aka BEER. This was the beginning of the end of our time at Yankee Lanes for probably this one night in particular (I’m sure amongst other nights/things as well). The championship game was underway, and it was a tight one, but a quarter of the way through the second game, Yankee Lanes decided it would be appropriate for galactic bowling to take place, and galactic bowling we did. I distinctly remember throwing my ball and having absolutely no clue what the fuck it was going to do. Another long story short, we lost and BEER took the crown in the BOPO Championship finals. It was a very tragic loss, but it was a game that set the course for the creation of our new home away from home Bayside Bowl.
After this epic loss and some potentially controversial roster choices during the finals, I
decided to step down as captain of Bingas and handed ownership over to Brian aka Jamaican
Jerk, who remains captain to this day. Myself, Valley and Booth all jumped ship as well and
were picked up by Natro’s new up and coming squad “The Walkways” along with Natro’s wife
Coco, and newcomer to the league the Dentist. We had a pretty good first season in 2011, but it wasn’t until 2012 when we finally grabbed the bull by the horns and won the Bowl Portland
Championship. It was a great season, with great people, but wanting to go out on top, the team dismantled and ownership was up for grabs. I was very fortunate to step in as captain of such a talented team, and we were able to make some great roster moves in the postseason; Booth, the Dentist, and Valley Gurl picked up Dwayne Luther, McStriker and myself. The team felt unstoppable from day one, as the bond was almost instantaneous. The only problem was that we had a team, but didn’t have an identity to go by, so we spent a good amount of time debating on team names. While we were working on the name game, one was mentioned that we were just about settled on; “The Green Eggs and Dan”. This was a great name, and it almost stuck until one night at a team dinner I was mentioning wanting our team to look like a biker gang like Sons of Anarchy, when Dwayne Luther said: “hey how about the sons of danarchy”… and boom, just like that SOD was born like a phoenix from the flames.
The Sons of Danarchy or SOD had a great opening season in 2013, and maybe one of our
strongest seasons to date. Everything just seemed to click; we were one of the top ranked teams in the league, we weren’t plagued by too many injuries, everyone was rolling great, we had fly uniforms and we knew how to have a good time. Due to all of this hype, we might have gotten a little over confident as we ended up counting our chickens before they hatched, and were eliminated in a playoff match. It was devastating, but a learning experience for the team as a whole. On the plus side, we won the “looking good” award, for best team uniforms that year so it wasn’t a complete wash. I think that 2014 was a fairly similar year to the year previous, with the same great team and talent; we faced many trials and tribulations making our way through the season in pretty good shape only to get eliminated once again in the playoffs. Last season, 2015 we were faced with the unfortunate loss of Valley Girl to the state of Florida for the season, but fortunate to pick up newcomer LaShooz who had a great season and was a phenomenal addition to the team in many ways. We had fun, but once again fell short in making it very far into the playoff circle. This was another time of learning and growth for the team, but now we are ready to kick off Bowl Portland 2016 with a bang!
SOD is back in its OG entirety and more, Valley Girl has made the voyage back north to
Maine (we hope for good this time) and the gang is ready to chuck some rocks! We’ve just
welcomed a new SOD member to the gang with Booth’s latest addition to his family, Kaden
(future BOPO hall of famer). I had a great 2015 draft league alongside former teammate
Lashooz, and under the amazing captainship of MsStriker as the Turdburlars. Dwayne Luther
even got married in the offseason…! All is well, but I will say what we are currently running at
83% capacity currently due an unfortunate “photobombing incident” involving the Dentist at
Pearl. Doctors are saying that he will return in time, and not only that, he’ll be better than ever
(the real question we should all have been wondering is why the Dentist was at Pearl in the first place?). McStriker, Valley Girl, The Dentist, Buckeye Booth, Dwayne Luther and myself have got our vests out and ironed, balls have been cleaned and we are ready to hang some denim on the walls of Bayside Bowl for the world to see. We’re a hungry bunch of savages, and we’re ready to eat pins for breakfast, lunch and dinner! Get ready, and say your prayers BOPO because the Sons of Danarchy are back, and we’re better than ever!