Ball That – Tuesday A: Captain – Samsquampch
Ball That started off in a Monday night PortSports league. The two OG’s were none other than Samsquampch and Twinkle Toes. After several seasons of PortSports and a couple with Casco Bay, the core of the team was formed. The two lovely ladies, Gutterlicious and What’s Her Face were added to the roster, and for a few seasons, The Weatherman and Steveweiser were also part of the gang. Ball That was called up to the “Big League” one offseason morning after Samsquampch was told by his former BoPo team (Turkey Club) that he was being replaced in an effort to build a better powerhouse of a team. Bummed out by losing his spot on a team, Samsquampch started looking for other options. Little did he know that it would trigger an offer from Hungus to create an expansion team. Ball That started off their BoPo career as a Tuesday B team. In the following offseason they were asked if they would like to step up into the A-division. Knowing that this would allow for a rematch against Samsquampch’s former team, they said hell yes. They were forced to find two replacement members as Steveweiser broke his foot in a drunken stairwell accident and The Weatherman got wifed up (and moved too far away). Some offseason pickups occurred in Draft League, and Ball That became a team of six again, adding Boots On The Loose and Baller. The two fit right in as Ball That started their first season in A Division. After a successful second season that brings us to this offseason. Boots got a hold of Samsquampch and said that he wasn’t coming back because of the lane conditions at Bayside (whatever that means). This put the team in the hunt for a new member. Rather than finding someone who was going to whine about something, they went and picked up Rowengartner. While he won’t fill Boot’s boots average-wise he will fit into Ball That in general. Because in the end we are just there to drink, have a good time and most importantly go fuckin’ bowling.
L.O.S. – Thursday A: Captain – Alilujah
Team founders Alilujah and Shithawk return as the abiding bedrock of this team. Ali looks to continue as the steady hand on LOS’ tiller. We know she will bring the intangibles, the only question is – will she bring back the crotch chop? We like her chances.
Shithawk returns, but in many ways in a new capacity. Shithawk circa 2014 was the sparsely-bowling, Smack-dropping enforcer for LOS who endeared himself as the BoPo crowd sweetheart in the 2014 finals (“Roll-Shit-Hawk!”). BoPo’s very own Rudy. And then 2015…Smack silence. Many speculated as to why…was it verbal impotence? The time demands of fatherhood? Did he lose his copy of Urban Dictionary? No matter the speculation, his bowling was solid and he steadied a still-championship-drunk team. And for 2016? Will he lift his game and provide solid depth? Will he lift the spirits of his teammates? Will he lift his self-imposed Smack Board exile? Only he knows, and he’s not saying…for now.
Nugget returns to LOS with a runner-up QueenShit finish and a chip on her bowling shoulder. Having borne the weight of expectations since her Rookie of the Year season, is she now ready to realize her enormous potential? Poised to assert herself as one of lady elite, she should thrive in her second season with the LOSers, even if she probably still won’t get to roll game 1.
Double Cheese turned off the cameras long enough for us to ask him about the upcoming season. Though rambling and largely unintelligible, we did catch the warning: “I don’t care if you’re 7 years old, I will b*tch you out if you roll during my approach” and “Oh, BTW did you see me take down Belmo on ESPN?”
Mr. Stiffy comes into the season having recently produced offspring and the big question around him this year will be – has fatherhood made him soft? Can he rise to the challenge? And if the rumors about Lil’ Stiffy are true, it seems the kid is already living up to the family name.
This season was also to be the final one for half of LOS’ twin-tower core, Precious. Best remembered for his 6-7 split pickup and bowl-off win against XXX Club in the 2014 semis, Precious had planned to ride off into the BoPo sunset and head west to re-ignite his male modeling career, adhering to his mantra that there is, in fact, “more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good at bowling.” As it turns out, however, teammates can be very persuasive, so when we got in touch with his bosses in “the real world” we made them an offer they couldn’t refuse.
So this team looks poised to make a run and seize what may be their last, best chance at doubling up on banners.