Hi everyone, and Happy Valentine’s Day from yours truly, Cupid! My good friend Oakie (If there ever is a week to be a huge nut, this is the week) was a bit under the weather this week, so I’ll fill in with a special Valentine’s Edition of The Lines. Let’s get to it. As always, these lines are better if you actually click on the links.
In this week of love, I remind all the guys out there that the best way to respond to your lady when she has a problem is all explained in the below link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
Early
GOB v. Leisure Rolls (-5) – When he of the awful name change Deadliest Gatch wore a coconut bikini week 1, I threw up in my mouth and reasoned that he lowered the sexy rating of that team to an all-time low of -6 (on a scale of 1 to 10). My quiver of arrows were shelved for the entire night after seeing that, so to those who were looking for love (or just a little nooky) opening night my apologies. Magic has been bringing a strong pants game that always makes Cupid smile, even wearing a matching belt on occasion. Here is Magic’s system for picking out the perfect matching pants and belt:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXceQWHxcpo
GOB can’t seem to get a ton going this year, but Nurple and Seachelles seem to be flowing through their season in the bliss that only love can bring. They stare lovingly at each other’s 6’s and 7’s on the first ball, and cheer mightily when they close a frame. End of the day the three All Stars on Leisure Rolls carry the match.
Guacabowle (-5) v. Tattoos and Titties – Lots o’ love in this one! We have the happy couple Sparetime and Bonita (Hey Sparetime, eventually she’ll want a ring on Valentine’s Day!) as well as the Cuddlefest that is Dick Whitman and Mitch Cumstein. Not sure what happens in the back room of Howie’s Pub, but safe to say that Cupid approves. On the Tattoos and Titties side, we have Rubbys hugging everyone including his lady Red Empire, and that nice fella Train Conductor sure looks like he could use a squeeze.
Guacabowle are simple better bowlers than the tats n tits crowd, so they’ll win it easily.
5 Finger Discount (-1) v Urea! – Cupid loves to get kinky, enjoys props, almost nothing is off-limits. Except pee. Not feeling that one. We know that Urea! was actually named after a printing business, but that name reminds of this crazy night in Pittsburgh that I really don’t like to relive.
5 Finger has not put up the numbers we are expecting out of them, mostly because Natro seems to have forgotten how to roll. Thankfully Rufio! And Coco remember, and even without Dutch to keep Natro from rolling I think they make the difference in a close win.
TDYOB (-3) v. Bowled and Beautiful – Cupid loves to see married couples bowl together, and TDYOB has 2 of them. They also sport girlfriend lover Farmer, so again, I approve. Seriously, this team had a group text of one of the Bork wives wearing f*ck me boot riding a lawn ornament, and multiple dudes on the team ended up taking their phones into the bathroom for some alone time with the pic. They are truly that close. Last week the lines had one of the best links ever to the boys of TDYOB from their wrestling days, but I prefer this link to illustrate the softer side of Thunder and Munson:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJVt8kUAm9Q
B&B are really struggling after the loss of Viking, and I am not sure that even the positive vibes (and tremendous…uh, eyes) of Baeujalais can save this season. I’d have made the line higher but Munson will not be there and Thunder just got neutered. Ahh, the things you learn on the podcast.
Cunning Linguists (-3) v. Granola Rollahs – You didn’t think that a team named Cunning Linguists could not win this week, did you? Cupid loves the witty name, and loves every bowler who employs a bit of sexy in their name…shout out to El Hombre Duro! Side note: Does the way in which you high five provide any clues to how you like to get down???
Kid Loose may fall into this sexy name category also, but not sure Mrs. Loose would approve. That said, Granola does like to use a lot of nuts, so that’s a good thing. And to keep it real for a minute, their granola is excellent. They are a Maine company that is environmentally and socially conscious, they make great food, and employ a great culture. In other words, they are doomed at love (and bowling).
Lesbowlians (-3) v. Bowlderdash – Cupid’s arrows have rained down on these crews, with couples-a-plenty in this matchup. Lesbowlians sport a better team average, and all-star Tilt-a-whirl is a name I absolutely love. Not sure of the origin story of the name, but the version I have dancing in my head is absolutely incredible. I’ll let you search for your own link for that one.
Sweet Tamm and Big Ern have been leading the way for Bowlderdash, and they keep it close, but I like the ladies in this one. Actually, I like the ladies in every match. And the dudes. My love knows no bounds.
Happy Hands (-7) v. FC Portland – One team has happy hands and named themselves with their porn names. And they have been seen at the lanes with a baby, meaning they have been successful off the lanes as well. The other named themselves like a team that like to kick balls and only one out of eleven uses their hands. Who do you think I’d choose? I think the below link sums up how this match goes for FC Portland:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GROryYHmBxI
HHP is 4 – 0, on their way to 5 – 0 without any trouble.
LATE
Roll Another (-3) v. Pud’s Taxi – There are times when even Cupid doesn’t know much about a match. Like this one. I could mail it in like Danks would do, but instead I did some research and came up with the following:
198 Million flowers were sold for Valentine’s day in the US
Over 1 Billion cards were sent this year for Valentine’s Day
6 dudes thought dipping their junk in chocolate was a romantic gesture
1 of those 6 dude’s ladies agreed
Party Mix (-3) v. Bad News Spares – The BN Spares opened a few eyes with their win over ICBING a couple weeks ago, but new crew Party Mix will take this match. Party Mix came strong with the name game, and I am still working on a sexy interpretation of Left Beef. Big Party loves to get his hug game going, and I would love to see Smoke-a-bowl and Big Party in a squeeze for the ages. Right before she punches him in the nuts.
DHD (-11) v. ICBING – When it comes to the Thursday All-Star team, nobody placed more bowlers than Dirty Half Dozen. G-Force, Doc Moose, Hark Attack, Stephen Kingpin, and Lil’ Pickle all made the team. If they bowl their average they cover this spread easily. If they roll 50 pins below average, they still win.
Speaking of Lil’ Pickle, she is the spouse of Doc Moose…would you be happy if your wife named herself Lil’ Pickle?!?! Didn’t think so. I think for tonight only, maybe Doc Moose can turn the tables and bowl under a different name. How about San Diego?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AIwaSD9Sco
Peanut Gutter has yet to make an honest woman of Clarified, and it took me a while to realize it’s because she won’t let him. Smart lady. Fabio was a shoveling hero in the lot last week in the storm, and I do hope he wears his beautiful wig this evening.
Y&B II (-3) v. TouchMyXcite – So much to like in this one. For starters, huge props to Glossy Mexican for keeping the podcast going. And even bigger props to him for landing an awesome lady in 2-handed roller Bek Bork. Who else downs a high alcohol stout then joins the creepy old men of TDYOB helping them to victory….nobody, that’s who! Tough to pick against the Y&B II crew that features Thursday’s top average guy, the silky smooth rolling of Pistol Pete, and a lady with Mystery Powers, is this how she knocks down the pins?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8sQ5pZl898
Touch has a fantastic name….I once touched my xcitement at a zoo in St. Louis and the monkeys went wild! So did the chaperone of the field trip that happened by at just the wrong time….but I digress. La Gatita, Viking, Gutterslut and the rest of that slutty crew will keep it close, but I take the Y&B gang in this one.
LOS (-11) v. BUI – Shout out to G-Unit for having a new baby, proving once and for all that his boys can swim. Admit it G-Unit, it was nice to get that proof, am I right? Unfortunately, that’s about all the good news I can muster for this crew…just not their year.
I once aimed an arrow at Double Cheese’s heart, hoping to spark romance with his teammate Nugget. Unfortunately, just as I let loose, this happened:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZ0OUq_kDh8
My arrow flew past him and hit some bald dude right in the ass. Oh well, everyone says I do work in mysterious ways…
Hugs and Kisses for all of BoPo!
Cupid
Can confirm, the plumbing in the southern hemisphere does work. City hall even gave me an official document to prove it.