Writing lines is hard work, and finding the perfect videos ain’t easy, so we are again giving Oakie the week off so he can focus some time on his real job at the dairy. And too bad, because with the opening up of the Westside, there is so much to write about now.
First, to Hungus, ITZ, Number One, Ralphie, Hootie, Filthy, Coco Lopez, Mona, Red Empire, Brandy, McStriker, Too Koops, Invisible Hand, Purple Nurple, Holden Green, Gregothy, Lord Tennyson, Duke Thunderwood, and non-bowlers DJ Atomik, SK, Mozart 212 and the rest of the incredible Bayside staff who I forgot to mention that make our Thursday’s great, congrats and best of luck with the expansion. Rolling in the Party Pit will never be the same with the viewing window, and I love it! For the new folks who I see working at the lanes, welcome to the party….Quick Quiz: Can you pick Joe, Colby, Westin, Johny and Jen out of this lineup?? Think Hungus can?
If not, git chass down to the lanes people! The party just got bigger!
Byes this week for Leisure Rolls and Lesbowlians. I asked my spiritual advisor who would have the best bye week, and his answer was unequivocal.
On to tonight’s early matchups:
TouchMyXcite (-3) v Urea! – This just in…Touch is a good team. They are 6-3 on the season, and have three stud bowlers who can carry them to victory. T-$ and J-Bird were seen at the lanes practicing, but I don’t see how Urea! can post enough big scores to cover Viking, La Gatita, and Gutterslut. C Murda is having a great first season of BoPo, but who else will post some scores to beat Touch? And what’s up with Viqueen? I mean, at some point you just have to say you are what your average says you are, but I don’t believe she is a 135 bowler. Expect a breakout week from her in the big win for Touch.
TDYOB (-1) v. 5 Finger Discount – Thunder and Natro have been rivals and friends for years now, and even started BoPoSkinny together, officially launching this Twitter storm for BoPo. They were also draft league teammates in 2013, where they never bowled well at the same time (but, seeing as it was Dr. Thunder’s draft league team, is that really a surprise?) Now they are both battling to get an average they don’t mind seeing in the stats page, with Thunder having a slight edge 148.3 to 148.1. Safe to say this wasn’t what Logjammer had in mind when they picked up Natro. He is some audio of Rinni Love’s pep talk for Natro:
TDYOB will have their full squad there for only the second time this season, with work travel and babysitter issues keeping one or two away most of the season. With the full team there, TDYOB takes this by one thanks to Thunder and his back-to-basics lofted roll. It doesn’t fly quite as far down the lane as Sloppiness used to, but it’s close.
LOS (-9) v. Tattoos N Titties – Happens every year. LOS hits a mid-season bump in the road and gets a loss that nobody saw coming. After getting upset by B&B, they even fell behind to GOB 4-1 after 1 game, but then got back to being themselves and won handily. I think the mid-season swoon is over for these guys, and Ralphie and crew will feel the pain….Prepare to be crushed! By the way, have you seen Stiffy, Cheese, and Precious’ new Beer frame dance? Obviously, Cheese and Precious are the ones taking the picture for the posing Stiffy.
Happy Hands (-5) v. Bad News Spares – Shout out to Three Hole Punch, who last week supplied most of Thursday late with some delicious Girl Scout cookies. The sugar was just what we needed to get our energy up to do another shot!
Happy Hands is having another good season, posting a 5-2 record so far, and enjoy a large team average advantage in this one. The Bad News Spares are totally cool with that, and are ready to party and bullshit (Shout out to Biggie!) all night long. Happy Hands may have lost last week, but this week they turn it around and Munj & Co. secure the win.
Pinny Candy (-3) v. Party Mix – Party Mix have made a nice splash into BoPo with a .500 record and a great BoPo spirit. Rookie of the year candidate Hakeen Bowlajuan had a huge week and sports an impressive average. Blak Morris and Kelly Kabowlski are in an average battle to determine domestic dominance, and the rest of the team has figured out how to keep Big Party from Benny Hill-ing them too much. Their collective tomfoolery is fantastic, but this week they run into the stoic Pinny Candy crew, and that will cause all sorts of wacky vibes. In the end, I see Pinny Candy getting to .500 and taking this match, and Party Mix taking the loss with high fives and smiles all around. Most don’t know it, but Big Party also DJs around town under the name Lucky Penny. Here is one of his favorite jams:
DHD (-5) v. Cunning Linguists – The new-for-2017 Cunning Linguists squad have already booked their spot in the Sunday Shootout. Being led by 8 bit, a rookie with a 140 average will do that. Don’t see a lot of wins coming for this team, and playing DHD is no way to start a winning streak.
This DHD team is a beast in Thursday B, and let me speak for many Thursday A teams when we say we are glad we don’t have to play them. They are clicking on all cylinders, except for G-Force who has not been rolling lately due to an injury. Word is he will be fine, and being second in Thursday average isn’t a bad time to take a small break.
The back-story of how this team came together is fantastic, and we were able to secure some home video of San Diego picking up Lil’ Pickle for their prom oh so many years ago. Credit to G-Force for being supportive of San Diego as he ran into his predicament. And shout out to Stephen Kingpin’s dad (police officer in the clip) for the assist.
Y&B II (-7) v. BUI – Last week, Y&B II rolled 3 700’s (and almost 1 800) in a total beat down of TDYOB. BUI started strong but lost again, this time to TouchMyXcite. Crackerjack is rolling great, posting 2 scores in the 230’s last week. Mo $ had a huge helping of Brooklyn Love, and finds that it suits her quite well. Pistol Pete is figuring out his new ball, so I look for Y&B to cruise in this one.
There is a good battle developing for the high average on BUI, which may extend to the final week of the season. Here how I would handicap that team-wide battle:
G-Unit will fall deeper into the sleep deprivation of parenthood and falter to a 2nd place finish. Happy Feet Pete will continue to battle as he has all season and finish 3rd. Duke Thunderwood will throw another 90, so count him out. Snapshot, Animal, and Hexy are too far behind. So that leaves Ruby Canary as my predicted average leader on BUI. Oh wait, what?! She’s on Guacabowle not on BUI? Oh brother, those guys are screwed…
Footage of G-Unit after reading this:
To which I would respond:
Works in any language…
Guacabowle (-5) v. Lion’s Den – Speaking of Guac, they get a virtual bye week this week and still get to bowl! Lucky team, this week drawing the fun times that is a match with Lion’s Den. Rick Vaughn rolled well last week, but Guac is looking too strong for the ca-cawing Lion’s Den.
After dodging Ricky’s pleas to raise money for the Portland Museum of Art, now his team needs to claim his emails about providing opportunities for disadvantaged youth to play squash or surf never made it to their inboxes and must have been caught by their spam filters. Being his teammate must be exhausting! I heard that Mokiki (sweet stache, bro!) just let him know that they are planning to cut him, and his response in the meeting was excellent:
Guns Of Brighton (-3) v. Bowled and Beautiful – It is said that one must be a bit of a nut to be in BoPo. After his late night outing with TDYOB last week, it has been certified that Holden Green is indeed crazy. And it is that type of insanity that will work well this week as GOB takes out B&B. B&B had their 2 game winning streak ended last week, and on Friday will be looking at a 2 game losing streak. The GOB crew will overcome B&B with plenty of mid-level depth in this one, winning points 160-155 to get the victory. By the way, here is footage of Holden Green late night last week leaving Sebago with TDYOB:
Roll Another (-3) v. FC Portland – A battle of contrasting styles. The quiet efficiency that is Roll Another against the anything-but-quiet FC Portland. One team is the defending B Champs, the other, well, isn’t. One team is having a solid season, and the other is FC Portland. I expect plenty of vuvuzela action, which will only serve to fire up Chupacabra to levels we haven’t seen since 2013. He’ll post a big score and Roll Another takes the win.
Granola Rollahs (-1) v. Bowlderdash – My upset special of the week. Somehow Granola is averaging 478, has scored 40 points over 7 matches, yet has a record of 3-4. That kind of team average should get you zero to one wins a season. But what it tells me is that this is a team that knows how to get 8 points when opportunity arises. And I think this week they make it happen once again to get to .500 on the season. Bolderdash is coming off a drubbing at the hands of Pinny Candy, and I bet they have fun Thursday night, but lose a close one.
ICBING (-1) v. Pud’s Taxi – Must be fun for ICBING to move to a new night. They are getting to bowl with a new batch of BoPo, and their hangovers only impact Friday now. Smart move. There were 4 ICBING’ers practicing Sunday, and to be honest it did not look pretty. 2 Dogs Fucking has apparently changed his name to the equally bad Black Nipple…and somehow Spliffany was cool with that? I am tempted to pick the upset, but I think ICBING barely holds on over Bullet and her fancy bowling shoes.