Before we turn our attention to the Late matches, I’d like to first express Cupid’s love of the return of the smoking lounge. As always, our fearless commish delivers for the masses. Thank you Hungus. The children coming to bowl on Thursdays also thank you. OK, on to the Late matches.
Winter Is Here v. Cakeballs (-1) – Ricky Vaughn and co. will go up against Cupcake and number 1 overall pick Gutterboy. As I look at the rosters of these teams, I see one guy has 2 bricks more than everyone else combined in the match….and that’s bad news for Winter Is Here. Mitch Cumstein is bowling more in the video game at Howie’s Pub than he is on the actual lanes at Bayside, and I have it on good authority that Video Game bowling success does not transfer to the real thing. These teams are closely matched, but in the end I predict Gutterboy rolls three games, and his teams wins by 1.
Bayside Hellraisers v. Rad Party (-5) – Big Party, prepare to be crushed. Again. Southpaw and company are simply too strong for the Island of Misfit Toys that is Bayside Hellraisers. Big Party’s crew are all great people and fun to bowl with, but they aren’t the crew you want if you are seeking wins. I mean, a team average less than 600 simply doesn’t cut it anymore in Bowl Portland, as much as I wish it did. Don’t sleep on this Southpaw squad. They are loaded with talent, and The Dentist hasn’t sabotaged his team’s season (yet). Word of warning to Southpaw…if you see The Dentist dressed as a Bunny for Halloween, know that your season is doomed. Here’s a look in at Big Party’s squad….I’ll let you figure out which one is G-Force (Hint: His real name is Charlie?!) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjEx_C7WyHY
True story: Back in college, when it was time to get my fraternity nickname, they wanted to name me after the elf in the above clip who wanted to be a dentist. But because this was before the internetexisted, they couldn’t simply Google it and find out his name was Hermey. Then they thought of naming me Needle, because of my, uh, well, umm, anyway they thought that was too insulting….to needles. So instead, my college fraternity nickname was Keebler. Moving on…
Fuckdafino v. Never Flush (-5) – Who knew Cheese would roll a late match….welcome to the party, pal! And by the way, thank you for finally naming your team!! I’m sure team shirts are too much to ask for, but at least you now have a name, and frankly I like it! But sadly I can’t type it with the accents needed to make it more understandable…does anyone else entertain themselves trying to figure out the meaning of people’s vanity plates? I once saw on Major Dank’s Twitter feed a picture of a plate that read “LUV O KEY”…still haven’t figure that one out. Kinda feel that way reading the team name without some of the accents. Speaking of names, Titty Bang Bang changed her name to Caboose…and Cupid approves! Here’s hoping it helps her bowling scores… Never Flush’s Sparkles was disappointed not to be insulted more in the lines, and even responded with a classic line. Shockingly, Sparkles plays the role of the douche in this clip:
OK, so here goes….Sparkles is a better bowler than most of us. He sometimes gets labeled as a jerk, but is actually a kind hearted guy. He is a Bowl Portland Champion. He once got his foot run over by a forklift but battled through and actually bowled on it to help his team. Is that better, Sparkles?
Anyway, I see no way that Fuckdafino can overcome this Spidey-led squad. Double Cheese has been scoring super high (pun intended), but Spidey’s crew will win the 2 nd , 3 rd and 4 th points each game, and that will prove to be the difference in this one.
Shnitzengiggles v. Too Much Two Losses (-1) – The only thing Farmer’s team has been doing Too Much Too Fast of has been losing. Too Much Two Losses will have to battle to prevent being re-named again to Too Much Three Losses. Both of their defeats have been very close, losing by single pins for multiple points in 8-7 losses, but all that means is they are losers. Here’s hoping Bombpop pulls his shit together and rolls a score higher than the 140’s to help the team to a win. They’ll need him now that Farmer’s an emotional wreck after dropping his youngest kid off at college. Farmer was crying when saying good-bye, and his son just looked at him like he was an idiot. Which is true. But on a positive note he did go to a restaurant named Urban Farmer, and also visited some other “stores” in Denver, so the trip wasn’t
a total loss. Deputy picked his golf caddy Dick Du Jour in round 1, and is poised for a tough season. They hold the lowest average in their division, they wear orange shirts, and Dick even bet Thunder they’d win this week. If you ask me, that adds up to another loss for Shnitzengiggles, who actually are that drunk, and Too Much Two Losses can go back to being Too Much Too Fast.
Got Wood? (-1) v. That’s My Son – That’s My Son has more wins already than Thunder was able to manage all of last season. Jamaican Jerk says You’re Welcome, Thunder. I was able to find footage of the first time Thunder visited Binga’s Lounge…crazy stuff:
Last week Side Salad and Gutterlicious pulled out close points for the win, but this week I am pretty sure their pins won’t matter much, as Duke Thunderwood’s crew will put it all together for their first win of the year. Duke and Co., led by Doc Moose and Ruby Canary, do have a slight team average advantage, and eventually the late matches will catch up to Jerk, Thunder, Burt, Lil Pickle, Side Salad, and Gutterlicious….but mostly it will catch up with Jerk and Thunder. Here they are having a team building exercise before the match:
Hexy’s Hooligans v. Bumbowlbee Tuna – Hexy and Nut Sauce were draft league teammates last year, and this week they will roll against each other in what I think will be a lopsided loss for one of them. Week 1 I predicted an easy win for Hexy, and her crew promptly went out and lost 15-0. They rebounded nicely week 2, but we are now back to week 3, so the roller coaster of a season will continue, especially in a late match without Lou “Precious” Costello. Look out for Mo$ this week. TDYOB’s newest member is out to prove that these other imposters with
“$” in their name (I’m looking at you, T and D!) can’t hang with her. So far that hasn’t been going too well, but I like her to get her average into the 150’s tonight and lead her team to a victory….and then do this:
I tell you, that girl is TDYOB material! Roll Bork! I was there!!