Early (Nap Time):
Honestly early matches suck, having trouble falling asleep come watch people bowl at 5:40 p.m. All Oakie this week Cupid is in Denver buying legal weed. Want to get loose as a goose come watch people bowl at 8 p.m. Watch the videos idiots they aren’t that long and if you don’t you miss out on the fun. You can’t handle the late shift you might as well not play at all.
Hello Friend! (5-2) -15 versus Happy Hour Losers (1-6): Name change episode. Last time I check Heroes didn’t lose all the fucking time. It has gotten so bad that Commander Xander has taken to Facebook to cry about his bowling scores. Well the crying continues as Chedophile and crew get ready to smack that ass! The heroes have a great shot to tie Blunder’s record of futility at 1-11 from a season ago.
Never Flush (4-3) -1 versus Rad Team (6-1): Rad Team fell on their faces last week. Looks like Dentist didn’t show and South Paw’s average went south. Flush got dead liver Sparkles back from a kick ball tournament in Las Vegas although all Oakie saw was pictures of him and a ton of drunks by a pool and in sub shops. Sparkles powers these guys to victory while they pray they overcome Train Conductor’s terrible scores. Word is he got a new ball, now maybe he can get someone to roll it for him. Here is conductor after another 135:
Chill the fuck out dude.
Fuckdanio 3-4 _1 versus Cake Balls (2-5): Holy shit. Want to get bored to death watch this match:
Cheese will roll all 3 games and crush pins. Gutterboy will be running late drink too much have a couple 160s and a 230. Cleaner and North Paw have been hot of late, Strike, Fisher and Cupcake have not been. The total both team tab will be less than $50 in this match. Oh shit Oakie edit just saw Ram Rod is in the match under $250. When it comes to an early Buck match with two non-party teams I go with the one that has Cheese and Rod that’s my policy:
Hexy Hooligans (4-3) -13 versus That’s My Son’s Son (Tea with Mrs. McGuil): Roadhead’s team doesn’t have shirts and they are 1-6 because of it and giving Happy Hour Losers a run for their money trying to tie Thunder’s record of futility. Soccer Dad is like some fucking help around here would be great. He told House to bring in a motivational speaker to help the team out. Here is Tea with Whatever at House’s in the Brook before the match:
Phil Hartman shreds in that sketch may he and Farley rest in peace. Well Dad still doesn’t get help. Wins a couple points as usual and gets murdered by Hexy, props on the stats, Precious and Crackerjerkoff. Someone tell House to move his feet as far right as possible and rip it up one arrow and hope for either side of the pocket.
Hey Dad I can’t see so good is that Bill Shakespeare over there?!?!?!?!?
Here is SD after the most recent loss:
Shit that match happened on 9/28, fuck it write up is gold. #that’swhytheycallitdope What I wrote probably happened. Jesus Oakie going hard on a Tuesday night. Celebrating keeping kids alive another year, the little acorns, what can I say. Shout out to Sneaky Pete!
Nut Division 10/19/17
First off props to DJ Atomik for bringing the heat every Thursday night. Hit your boy Oakie up for safety meeting dawg. You got my number.
Get ready to party Thursday!!!!!
Hexy Holligans (4-3) -3 versus Got Wood?: Got Wood? has the pin advantage it’s early so those Italian Stallions the new Twin Towers Crackerjackoff and Precious will be in the building at the same time which spells death. Doc Moose getting what is coming to him, Duke T telling everyone where the line is costing himself wins, that said Moose killing at 197.8 clip. Damn. Mokkiki shares a birthday with Oakie’s kids he turned 50 today 10/17, that means he good for 135 and 163 this week. Poor bastard. Here is Mokkiki, Duke, and Moose after the beatdown giving Crackerjack advice:
Rufio and the Sauced DESTROYERS (7-0) -15 versus That’s My Son’s Son (Tea with Mrs. McGuil): Huge surprise the team that didn’t spring for shirts has one win and the team that has the best bowlers top to bottom is 7-0. When teams are getting prepared to play Rufio’s squad they are like hey everyone we are going to get murdered tonight, but we will have fun. Blunder’s team only to take them 3 games down 7-3 and they won 12-3. They are killing the league give them the title. Roadhouse and Soccer Dad after the match:
Brandy Savages (5-2) -15 versus Shittznigiggles (2-5): Deputy crew is without Dick Du Douchebag who is off to Moldova with White Nugget. That means Deputy gets completely run over by Brandy in crew in this one. Brandy’s crew is loaded with all stars and are a dark horse waiting to explode on the league:
Wow this bastard has zero love for his father-in-law, don’t we all:
That’s My Son! (4-3) -5 versus The Management (2-5): Wow the drunks and stoners of Prestige Worldwide 2 have really outdone themselves this season. Time for Slow Roll to take the captain reigns back from Hungus STAT. These guys playoff hopes and dreams are on life support. Here is Hungus after their most recent loss:
Silver lining is The Management have a new theme song:
Oakie crushed beers with the lead singer in this video one afternoon at Gritty’s. Dave Gutter, wild guy, he had just come off a bender he went on with some hitchhiker he picked up. Dude is nuts, would be a great fit for TDYOB. Speaking of great fits for TDYOB Thunder the loudest guy in the room celebrating 180s and Brooklyn strikes (someone get that ass clown some downers ASAP) signed Side Salad of That’s My Son! fame this week and then Salad promptly announced he was missing the match for his two-year anniversary with his girlfriend. #loseralert. Kid doesn’t even know who Nolan Ryan is Thunder might have to rethink that one. Well the Corsican Brothers continue to prove they are identical twins with their matching 162 averages. Get some practice in dudes. Good news is Tron is missing the match so that sets up for a Jerk versus Hungus three games each show down which will be fun to watch as always. The Management are 2-0 in late games, but Son rolls all late so zero advantage there. Hungus will go off but in the end Son is too deep for the management. Here is salad on his anniversary date tonight:
Ouch! Should have gone bowling:
Shot Clock Violation (2-5) -1 versus Too Much Too Fast (3-4): Too Much is without Farmer who is off buying legal weed in Denver then driving back across the country in his kids 2003 BMW. They are also without bompop and Kelly which means tonight is the debut of another Borker Roy Munson picking up. Munson hates late oil, and pretty much hates everything in general. Tango is back, Samsaquach and Insanal have been hot and I think they pull this out over 3 wins 5 losses. Here is Farmer finding out about the loss:
Border Crossers (4-3) -3 versus Bumblebee Tuna (5-2): Seachellez off the Crossers was spotted getting in burn practice Wednesday night in preparation for the big match. Walter and Sauce have been great. Mo$ has been high 140s as always, she has stock in high 140s. That said they start to enter the tough part of their schedule and that 5-2 could be 5-5 real quick. Man of leisure Glossy Mexican has a ton of time on his hands right now, bowling every day, losing weight, and buying movie prints so he is ready to drink a few beers and kick a little ass:
Das Strike Machine (3-4) BOWLOFF versus Bayside Hellraisers (3-4): Only thing good to happen to Das Strike machine this year was Ducken winning the Crazy Train, or whatever they call that train thing that comes across the screens. Oakie doesn’t pay attention to that shit. Wow, I am blown away these teams have three wins, Buck Division must have some awful teams. Big Party is one of the worst bowlers in the house by far. Stiffy says he can’t negotiate the burn, G Force wishes he was on another team and Hakeem thinks he is 28 years old, yeah and I am Jim Morrison. On the other side Dick Whitman’s crew is lost in space, this match should go right down to the wire and is a pick em:
Drunken Noodle (5-2) -3 versus Skol (3-4): Drunken been kicking ass and taking names. White Nugget is in Moldova with “Hairy Ween” which means Fart Nugget for all 3. Skol keeps finding ways to lose, and Oakie things they find another way to lose tonight and then Viking throws a temper tantrum:
Liquid Talent (4-3) -10 versus Winter is Here (3-4): Another loss is here. Vaughn is back from his triceps injury and the guy is such a tool he had Hexy remove his left-handed bowling stats from his average, he is really invested in his 160. Couch and crew will crush Winter tonight leaving Mitch to once again say, “I wish this fucking guy never drafted me”.
Early (Nap Time):
9 thoughts on “Lines”
You know what I don’t hate, Oakie? Winning.
Your not even in the league dude.
Exactly. All upside.
Another loss? Fake news! Winter is Here won last week. I haven’t seen this much misinformation since the one time I went on facebook and my stupid cousin shared a Sean Hannity clip. #makethelinesgreatagain
Got a beer says you lose? You may cover but Liquid Talent gonna be up in that ass with a hellified gangster lean.
Oakie cleaned up last night, wiped up the floor with G Unit on an off night. Too easy!
I really didn’t need to see that Blair Witch Project clip again….I just fell off the wagon again
if this dude was a viking fan instead of a buc fan he could have helped Walsh….