Early Lines – Space Farmer

Happy Valentine’s Day BoPo!  It was three years ago I first wrote lines as a fill in, and basically haven’t stopped since.  Back then I wrote under the name Cupid, then I was Statler, now I write under my real fake name.  Good times!

Nothing but love for all of BoPo today and every day.  I hope you all delivered your flowers early, because we all bowl tonight!  Me, I gave the Mrs. an orchid because regular flowers die too quickly.  We’ll have a great date night tomorrow, so tonight it’s all about BoPo.

Before we begin, I did get a special note from a dedicated reader that I’d like to share with BoPo.  (Please imagine this being read by Casey Casem)

Dear Farmer,

When I first met my special unicorn of a partner, she filled my days (and nights!) with light.  I can’t believe how lucky I am to have found her.  So can you play the following tune to my beloved Tilt-a-Whirl, from her Ollie Bubba?  And tell her I will always show her my kitties.



Is it getting dusty in here?  Or is that just me?

Here we go, a special Valentines Day Personal Ads edition of the early lines.

Match Number 1:  Shy Bearded Fellow seeks a partner who can add some crazy adventures to his whisky soaked life.  Must enjoy reading on the rooftop, being a slumlord, and creative pastimes like jewelry making.  Kids okay, and would love a partner who respects my space.  Let’s make bird calls together!

Of course we are talking about BUI (-3) v. Lion’s Den.  Mokiki is hoping that bowling tonight can count as taking his lady out for Valentines Day.  Duck would like you to know that is definitely not the case.  She expects romance, man, so step it up tomorrow to help wash away the sorrows of your loss tonight.

This is not how Snapshot’s Valentine’s Day went:


Don’t worry, nobody reading this had this happen to them today either.

Match Number 2: Local drunk with a gambling problem looking for a partner for some competitive fun.  Looking for a patient partner who will tolerate a few flecks of dirt on the approaches, the occasional lane break-down, and late night drunken stupors with dance parties at Howie’s.

I’m sure everyone knows this is LOS (-3) v. GOB.  Holden Green is having a terrific season, and looks like the guy will ultimately win some dough on all of his bets.  Good thing because his bar tabs are very impressive.  Holden will roll well as usual, but LOS has the guns to cover him plus whatever Hand, Sea-town, or Jon Moon can throw at LOS.  Putt Putt Pass has been putting in some time at the lanes with Cheese and Strike Dancer lately, the guy is dialing it in.  Precious had a strong week last week.  Hanky Panky is tall.  Corn Nut is a new mom.  What’s not to love?  I’ll take LOS in this one.

Here are the men of GOB on Valentine’s Day 2009:


Match Number 3:  Mature professional seeks fun loving partner for fun Thursday nights.  Prefer healthy eating, environmentally conscious happy person who enjoys early matches, even earlier dinners, and political discussion.

Sounds like Pinny Candy (-5) v. Granola Bowlahs!  Moyhem will bring the healthy snacks made in a solar factory.  Twizzler will bring riveting political discourse.  And Pinny Candy will get a comfortable win and get home in time for the MacNeil/Lehrer report re-run at 9 pm.  An overall lovely evening!

Match Number 4: Sexually adventurous team seeking equally crazy crew who want to get into all sorts of trouble.  Up for petty theft, pornos, whatever!  Looking for people who are so enthusiastic they even end their name with an exclamation point!

Naturally, this is Happy Hands Productions (-5) v. 5 Finger Discount.  Here is Slugga arriving at HHP headquarters to answer the ad:


Dude, don’t you know El Stingray reads the lines?!  Bold move on Valentine’s Day!

I am bullish on HHP this season for no reason at all.  Other than I like these guys.  I like their name origin stories, I like they have kids yet still find time to bowl, and I also like their 20 pin team average advantage in this match.  Rufio! is creating something great, and better days are ahead for this team.  Starting tomorrow.

Match Number 5: Wild and crazy person seeking a similar fun-minded partner for lots of party, laughter, and open frames (if you know what I mean ).  Must be an animal lover, especially the majestic zebras of the Serengeti.  Drugs okay, but please be willing to share.  Must enjoy a slice at Otto’s after a match, dressing up as a Lumberjack, and old Walter Mathau films.

Bad News Spares (-1) v. Strike City.  Tough one to call.  But Bad News Spares does have a slight team average advantage, and they do have a nice win already this season to build up the mojo.  Strike City seems to be too busy having fun to worry too much about the bowling.  Not saying that Bad News Spares are focused on bowling results, because they aren’t, but I like them to get the win this evening. And then get a slice at Otto’s.

Here is The Brush, Magnus, and Lil’ Rusty on Tuesday night:


Match Number 6: Former youth bowlers from capital region seeking like minded rollers who enjoy the occasional back-up ball (Hey now!).  Must love cats, unicorns, and all things Whitney Houston.  Prefer sports fans who don’t mind rooting against the Patriots, even if we need miracle laterals to beat them.  Must be flexible regarding schedules.

This one is Urea! (-3) v. Lesbowlians – You know the rules, I pick against Lesbowlians every time, even if their win over B&B has given me hope for them.  C-Murda will battle for the backup ball title with Tilt-a-Whirl,  and I see that as too close to call.  But overall, Urea! is too strong for Lesbowlians, so they will have to take solace in the fact that their teammate Keglinger is sitting at 69 in the stat sheet.

Did you know Casual T and J-Bird are married?  I just learned this myself, so I hope a win tonight will complement the roses he bought her today nicely.

Here’s an interesting BoPo backstory:  Casual T had a buddy when he was a young man in Augusta named Glossy.  Glossy Mexican.  And they formed a club.  Here is Casual T hosting their first meeting:


Casual T’s dad was a bowler, so as their new leader they all started bowling and getting coached.  Just guys, no women allowed (naturally).  There was one particular young lady in Augusta who was fired up at being excluded from the club, so she made a promise to herself that some day she would get her revenge.  She parlayed her love of Valentines Day Massacre horror movies and committed to murdering those two the best way she could. And seeing her BoPo average is waaaaaaaay higher than theirs, looks like Nut Sauce has gotten the last laugh.

A funny way to spend the next few minutes of your life:


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