Hey now! Welcome back BoPo! Thrilled to see so many faces back at the lanes lately.
Welcome to Draft League 2020, hopefully an experience none of us will need to do again. I couldn’t let the season start without doing some lines to get fired up for the season. I plan to do the KingShit Ding Dong Division all year, but with week 1 all crossovers, I will do them all this week.
For those new to the game, these lines are all nonsense. Except the jokes about Holden Green, those are mostly all true. Please take them in the spirit in which they are written: I hope you laugh a bit, and use them as fuel to roll a 150 on this bitch of a pattern. Here is me after every single shot I have thrown so far on Earl Anthony 43:
Before we start, a word of seriousness for everyone. Please respect everyone’s space and feelings regarding COVID, masks, and everything else we are all going through. Not everyone has the same outlook, but it is critical for us as a community to meet everyone where they are. If you have teammates or opponents who do not want to get to close for a team cheer, that’s all good. If you have a teammate that wants to make out with you after you strike, and you are good with it, have at it. What is super important to me (and hopefully to you) is that we all respect each other, and handle the unique circumstances with continued support for everyone else in BoPo and at Bayside. And tip the crap out of your servers!
OK, onto the matches:
Beer Hunter (-3) v. LaLa – Note to everyone, please let us now your team names. Beer Hunter drafted his doppelganger in Deputy, then he picked up Skrillex superfan Dick Du Jour. (It saddens me that my daughter’s favorite bowling name in the league is DDJ…..but what does she know, her name is Farmer’s Daughter!). Lala predictably picked her man Tango and then added a solid squad with Walter and Clam Hands as well.
When the patterns are fresh and not a lot of folks have been bowling a ton on them, give me the bowling nerds over the good bowlers every time. I think Deputy and DDJ will be saying some shit like “snap it off at the 8 board” like anyone knows what that means.
End of the day, that was probably good advice so they get off to a winning start.
Double Cheese (-5) v. Big Party – The returning champs open with a fun one against Big Party and company. Double Cheese and team were mighty impressive last year, and he will have to put on his best coaching hat for a repeat title. Here he is firing up his squad:
Big Party drafted Crackerjackoff first, and is hoping the oil on the left side of the lanes is kind to his top pick. He also picked up Ric Spair, who hasn’t rolled a ball since March. So who knows. This I do know, it will be fun and it will be filled with energy. And also a loss for Big Party. But hey, at least he has this going for him:
Dick Whitman (-3) v. FUCOVID – Dutch is listed as captain on the schedule, but it’s really Farmer’s team, and they are called FUCOVID.
Dick Whitman got a steal in the last round with King Lettuce. The dude used to be called just plain King, but some ridiculous comments from Whitman and Farmer last year resulted in the name change. The guys legit, and he will be huge in this match. He has also been the king of the hit and run lately…show up, roll a couple huge games, peace out. Tso looks great on this pattern in recent practices, and hopefully Flatline is feeling okay after tweaking his arm in practice on Tuesday. I think they take it week one.
FUCOVID had a team practice, and if Bowl Murray is leading the way, let’s just say the wins may be hard to come by for this team. Maybe it’s because she is in love that she is rolling so well. But by the same logic Farmer and Sticky Fingers must be in some bad relationships, because those guys are riding the struggle bus. They have the newly named Humboldt Honey on the squad, and based on her name alone (and the fact she was spotted doing shots of tequila at her practice session) she will fit in very well with this crew. Here are Sticky and Jon McEnrolltalking about their bowling lately:
Roadhouse (-3) v. Red XXX – Red XXX drafted All Day Lemay right off the bat before drafting a dude.
Insanal sells TP for a living, so I bet he’s doing great. 8-bit has been busy doomsday prepping since March, so no idea how he is faring. But they did add the awesomely named Boom Hammer. This is a competitive squad, but not strong enough against Roadhouse.
Roadhouse started with BoPo titlists Sparkles and Bora Bora on the team, and they look strong on paper. And they seemed to be aligned at their team meeting, where Ramrod thanked Roadhouse for assembling such a great team.
Master Splinter (-3) v. Slow Roll – A bit of a domestic tussle in this one. Splinter will try to best his soon to be wife Nut Sauce, who was the first pick for Slow Roll.
Splinter picked a sneaky good team, with Squeaky G, Tilt A Whirl, Polly Metro, Hollywood and Sparetime. That’s very solid top to bottom. And that’s too much firepower for Slow Roll, where Gutterslut and Phil Frames will need to keep up with Splinter and Squeaky.
Give me Splinter in the match, and Nut Sauce to cut off his ballslate night. Again.
Shooter McDabbin (-3) v. Hakeem Bowlajuan – Shooter picked a crop of “mature” bowlers this season. Ricky Vaughn is looking great on the new pattern, and don’t sleep on Bobby Bluebeetle. The guy puts in work and will be just fine. Lil’ Pickle and Ruby Canary are always good, and Lefty is, well, a lefty. The old fuckers get the win tonight. And then they party:
Speaking of old fuckers, G-Force was the top pick of Hakeem, and he is riding the Farmer Express (also known as the Struggle Bus) so far. Tonight he gets to watch his daughter get the win while enjoying the company of Eggroll and G-Unit. Shooter McGill and La Femme will have to roll huge to help their team tonight, and while I expect Shooter to have a great fall, it won’t be enough tonight.
Nugget (-3) v. Hungus – Hungus and Slow Roll are rolling on different teams this season, and they are glad they are in the same division so they will at least get one win this year. Well, maybe two wins, they also both play FUCOVID. Nugget started with Herb’n Legend, and added more firepower with Mr. Florida (I thought he retired?) and Tommy Torpedo. Solid crew which should stack up some wins.
Hungus drafted Burt the Bandit to start, but it’s been so long I don’t remember if this will be a good or bad season for him. He usually oscillates quite a bit from year to year. Here’s hoping it’s a good one. Seatown is always good, LL Cool J is another one of those studs from Tuesday B people overlook, so they have some talent. Just not enough tonight. Speaking of LL Cool J:
That was a very funny show back in the day.
Holden Green (-1) v. Glossy Mexican – This one has the mostbowl off potential of all the matches tonight. Glossy went with dance machine Tommy Gunzz, added Squatch, and also has some great names in Bates Master and Smash Jackson. But not sure what to expect of this team.
Holden drafted quite a crew. Here they all are at their pre-season meet up. Be sure to watch until the 1 minute mark when captain Holden makes his grand entrance. Also pictured are a hard working Heartbreak Kid, a shirtless JailBait, a chatty Spare Me, and an uncomfortable Brandy. Spladdam, I don’t know you so left you out of this one. You’re Welcome.
If you ask me, I am on team Heartbreak Kid on this one….I also don’t want my turds to look like stuffed animals. Just another day at the office, right HBK?
Titty Bang Bang (-3) v. Gutterboy – The last pick in the draft against the first pick….or is it the other way around?
Titty Bang Bang and Cupcake ended up with a team of 7 having Buck, Spare-O, Jr. Hoss, Buff Broadway and King of the Roof Snapshot on the squad. Which is fortunate for them because this way they can sit Spare-O all night to make sure they get the win. The guy will be coming straight from the golf course, so you can rest Sleepy Spare-O tonight. Sure, he has free bowling this week, but we all know that was pure luck. Classic Spare-O.
Gutterboy started with White Russian, and added Hot Gravy, DC, Lobsterman and Bullet to round out the squad. They might turn out to be pretty good, but I see this as a slow starting team until they figure things out. They will figure it out, but not tonight so Titty Cupcakes get the victory. And then Spare-O has this advice for Lobsterman:
Woah, take it easy dude. Peace and love, peace and love…
Frankie A. (-5) v. Magic – Final match of the night, and I don’t think one will be that close.
Magic drafted well, scoring Putt Putt Pass and Cleveland in the first 2 rounds. He also somehow ended up with 7 players on the squad, so somebody will be rolling only 1 game sometimes. Thankfully Magic always carries good vibes with him, so they will work it out. Magic’s straighter ball should prove to roll well this fall.
Frankie A apparently spent quartantine hitting the gym, as reports are he dropped a ton of weight. Good on you, Frankie, lots of folks have gained a “Covid 15”, but you did the opposite. Frankie in quarantine:
It wasn’t all one handed pushups, though. The guy also drafted Kingshit Ding Dong in round 1. Backed that up with Mrs. Brady and T-$. These guys are stacked. And they all have been bowling a lot. They get the win tonight.
OK, first lines of the year done. I promise I will find my flow as the season moves along. Until then, enjoy this tune:
Have fun tonight, and stay safe BoPo!