Hey everyone! Happy New Year, and glad to say the lines are back for Thursday A (well, for all of Thursday I guess once the schedule gets finalized)!
Pretty crazy start to the season, but I hope everyone has settled in, and is ready for a great BoPo season. Lots of player movement, I’m sure the schedule will move around a bit, but in the end BoPo evenings will be the funnest of the week, so let’s have some fun. Let’s all follow the rules to keep us safe, which lets us break all the rules and have fun!!!
Quick reminder that these lines are all nonsense. If you don’t want to see your name in here, just let me know. If I know you can take the joke and the spirit in which it was written, expect to get a lot of press this season. Let’s get started:
DHD (-5) v. Hexy’s Hooligans: Hexy got to start her season with a pounding from the defending champs Skol, and we appreciate their sacrifice so now we don’t have to see those dorks for the rest of the year. DHD was a postponement from last week, so they will be starting their season tonight and I expect them to get the win.
Tommy Torpedo and Flatline both had some impressive games last week, but in the end were Skol-fucked by the champs. Ba Dum Tss. Commander Striker made his BoPo debut replacing Clam Hands, and once he settles in will be fine….but that usually takes a few weeks.
DHD has the usual crew as far as I know, and they generally put in the work. Now that we all see our bowling balls hooking for the first time since August, I expect big scores from Doc Moose, Lil’ Pickle and even G-Force. Another year older, but as the saying goes: The older you get, the better you were, G-Force.
Because of the pandemic, haven’t seen enough of G-Force lately. But I asked his son (in law) Doc Moose to tell me abut how he and Mrs. G Force are doing, and I recorded his response:
He drifted a bit off topic, but I for one am looking forward to seeing this crew on the regular. Give me 10 points for DHD tonight in their victory.
GOB (-1) v. Guacabowle – Big matchup for week 2 between two teams who opened with solid wins and would love to get another.
Guacabowle had huge games from Cilantro, Badger, and Mitch Cumstein last week, while debutante Smash opened with a nice 144. Smash is replacing Dump Truck, who has committed to Brazilian Ju Jitsu instead of drunken bowling. What a weirdo. I’d like to go on record supporting Cilantro’s decision to take himself out after the huge game so he can top the stats. These guys and gals will put up some numbers, but tonight they have a huge challenge with GOB.
GOB has also made some changes, with Invisible Hand and Black Swan out, and Capt. Spare-O and Lil’ Bit in. Nice pickups, especially Lil’ Bit. I asked Holden, Squeaky, and Spare-O to describe their new squad:
Whatever, dudes. The fact that Master Splinter is their #4 bowler should tell you all you need to know about their depth. I think they pull out a close one.
My Balls (-7) v. Tattoos and Titties (NOTE: T&T will postbowl this weekend) – First, let me say I am psyched that Tats and Tits are still bowling. They are awesome people who bring great energy to Bowl Portland.
Having said that, they may be in for a long season. Team totals in the 400’s won’t get it done, and definitely won’t get it done against My Balls. Spidey led the way last week, but they had a lot of solid scores, and that was without Cygnus or Luna. I thought Cleveland was on the team, but now I think he isn’t. Probably because of what Luna did:
I expect this to be a fun one, but not too competitive. Train Conductor is going to have get some of his teammates in for practice more…
Y&B2 (-3) v. Average Bros – I’m not too sure who is on Average Bros still, although I have heard on good authority that Booth has joined the squad. I know they lost Bowl Murray and brought in Bates Master to replace her. Love the name. Love. The. Name. But I think Fisher Price is on the IR (she had more fun on NYE than everyone reading this combined), and not 100% that all the brothers are back. Time will tell.
Y&B2 is loaded, and they posted 3 700s last week. New addition La Gatita makes them even stronger. Lots of 200’s, and that spells doom for Average Bros. And a quick PSA for Dentist:
LOS (-5) v. Touch My Excitement – BREAKING NEWS! Congrats to Double Cheese on getting his first hard earned brick!!!! Rolled a smooth 300 on lane 7 Wednesday afternoon. And I think it has only cost him $45,000 in lanes fees to do it! Worth every penny….Congrats!
Double Cheese, a pantless Garlic Jones, and a shirtless Putt Putt waking up this morning after celebrating the accomplishment:
Forgot the bowling part of that scene!! Congrats again Cheese.
LOS was a casualty of a Corona-related postponement last week, so will be making their debut on Friday with a win over Touch. After a tight loss in the semis last year, they decided to keep the team together for another run. They added Garlic Jones to the squad to replace Mr. Stiffy. Pour one out for Stiffy, but don’t waste the good stuff….water is fine. Here a little Garlic backstory for y’all. The guy used to be a badass:
Wasn’t sure who was on Touch still, but the stats tell me they have 8-bit, Uno, Potato Thumb, and Cupcake. Potato Thumb had a huge game last week, and will need everyone to roll like that to keep up with LOS.
TDYOB (-1) v. Leisure Rolls – A new look TDYOB finally gets their season started and should be a VERY close match with Leisure Rolls to finish the week of Thursday A matches.
Leisure Rolls lost last week to a solid BUI team, but put up some good numbers in the process. Beerhunter got a 200, Insanal had a 200, and Boomhammer made a decent debut. But it was the rolling of their super sub Mo $ that caught my eye. She was a throw in these team’s off season trade of Dutch for Spare-O (before Spare-O spurned them and left for GOB), and she has already made a huge impact. A nice smooth 163 average. Magic was also his usual self, and I think he will roll well Friday night seeing as he is riding the bliss train now that his lady moved in with him. Of course, that train might derail and crash into a crowded marketplace later in the season, but best to drive that train while you can buddy:
TDYOB is only returning Farmer from last years squad, and he will be joined by a drunk Dutch, and also drunk Tron, a definitely drunk Bowl Murray, a quietly loose Bobby Bluebeetle, a wildcard in Number One, and Cave Dweller. Who’s Cave Dweller, you ask? Great question….never met her until our team potluck meet and greet:
It’s a new team, so I don’t want to assign anyone to those characters, but pretty obvious that was Tron who just walked out of the bathroom, am I right?? And I’m pretty confident none of the ladies on the squad are with child.
This will be a super close match. Both teams can put up great scores, and they can also post some clunkers. I am picking my team mostly because I want us to win.
OK, time to make it happen, BoPo!!